There Can Be Only One, The Jerk.

Hi, I’m The Jerk.

Some of you might remember me from the time I caused an international incident by making fun of a guy with bad hair.

Man. I wish it was that reasonable.

For the uninitiated, here is the standard disclaimer: The Jerk is not Simcha. Simcha is not The Jerk. Happy? Fact is, Simcha is violating at least two conditions of her emplyment here at Patheos, and one restraining order by allowing me to post here. Suck it, Shea.

mark shea — This is a violation of the Patheos Super Friends Pact!

Whatever, beardy. Maybe you can call my lawyer.

The deal is, normally, I review movies I particularly like; or movies you, the reader, wants me to review, or neither. Sometimes I just gotta go with my muse.

I have to say, it’s been strange moving over here to Patheos. Lots of stuff to get used to, like the special boxers we all have to wear. They call them underPathe-O’s around here. Scalia made it seem like the rubber undies are part of some technical deal for the blog to work, but I’m starting to have my doubts.

“Starting to have my doubts?” Sounds like someone is starting to be unemployed.

Alright, already.

Then there are the other bloggers. I mean, if I have to listen to MacDonald go on for another three hours about his “original in the box” SPACE 1999dolls, I may kill myself.

Erm, I think you meant to say action figures.

No, Tom. I did not.

And don’t even ask what Popcak’s into.

Brrrrrrrrrrrr.

All in all, it’s better than some …

Hi Larry. Look, I’m kinda doing a thing here and …

Sorry, we have a pretty strict “No Larrys Policiy.”

I didn’t.

On to the Movie!

I can never remember. Is it Highlander, or The Highlander? Who cares. It’s all awesome. Director Russell Mulchay (who later would bring us The Shadow) tells the tale of Connor McCloud, an Immortal, and his friend, Gay Sean Connery.

C’mon. That hat got just an appointment to the Curia.

The movie does have a great cast. Connery looking for a paycheck; bad, bad Clancy Brown as the villain; and even a bit part played by the great Jon Polito. And it’s all brought together by the oddest leading man to emerge from the 1980s.

Not you. I’m talking about Christopher Lambert. America’s answer to Rutger Hauer.

lambert 1 — I prefer to think of myself as a blond Armand Assante.

Why? Why would anybody … Nevermind. Lambert has this unidentifiable European accent, and a kind of goofy blank stare. That’s pretty much the best thing you can say about his acting ability. He just stinks of second banana foreigner, even when he’s the leading man. I keep expecting late career Adam West to show up and take over the movie.

adam west — I was in many … European movies.

Yeah, European movies that played on Cinemax. Strangest Christopher Lambert factoid? He was born in America! Real Normal Joe.

lambert 2 — I am regular like the apple pie and sour cream.

But get this, Sean Connery’s worst movies are still better than Christopher Lambert’s best, and this movie is both.

So, Lammy plays a Scotsman (?) who is really an Immortal. (I guess the “live forever” thing was supposed to be part of his accent. That’s the only way he makes sense, which is to say he doesn’t.) Immortals are dudes who can never die, unless you cut off their head. The only guys who seem to know about this head cutty-offy thing are other Immortals. All of this is told to him by Connery, who is playing an Egyptian!

Damnit Connery, put on some pants! This isn’t Zardoz.

The plot, as it is, involves all the Immortals getting together and cutting each other’s heads off. This is called “The Gathering.” Because “The Get-Together-To-Cut-Off-Heads” was a little too obvious, even for these screenwriters.

All of the Immortals have special powers that look like cheap blue animation that gets released when they die. That power then goes to the Immortal who killed them. Eventually, the last Immortal will have all the power of “The Quickening” and be able to rule the world.

lambert 4 — I would make it illegal to be a meanie. Especially to people who are maybe a little bit cross eyed.

And you’re the hero? Huh.

For some reason, all the Immortals hate this guy called the Kurgan. He’s a ruthless Immortal out to kill everyone and get their power. Unlike the other Immortals who are waiting for kitchen accidents to take care of the opposition, I guess.

World ain’t fair, K-man.

Of course, the Big K and Lambda square off as the last two Immortals in the world. Of course, the Kurgan kidnaps the girl Lam-Man was dating. And of course, I usually stuggle to stay awake during the finale because at this point I’ve had like nine beers.

This is not a good movie by most objective standards. OK, all of them. The fact is, though, I kind of love it. The Queen soundtrack is awesome. The Kurgan is a fantastic movie villain. There are cool swords.

OK, I guess I have pretty low standards, but it’s still better than the sequel. You can safely ignore Highlander 2 and not miss anything.

Hello, Patheos.

There can be only one, The Jerk.