Get Motivated

The "Get Motivated" seminar is coming to Philadelphia.

"Attend This Dynamic Seminar to INCREASE Your PRODUCTIVITY and INCOME," reads the full-page ad that promoters of this traveling circus took out in our Sunday paper. The seminar promises: "Motivation! Inspiration! Career Skills! Wealth-Building!"

And, of course, Lots of Exclamation Points!

Among the featured "live and in person" speakers here in Philly will be Eagles coach Andy Reid, speaking on "How to Lead Your Team to Victory [or at least to beat the spread against New England]." Including a local sports figure seems to be a regular gimmick for the series — see for instance this ad for last month's seminar in Tennessee, where the lineup included Titans coach Jeff Fisher and former Volunteer Payton Manning.

It's the headliners, however, that are particularly notable. They include Zig Ziglar (the "Master of Motivation"), Jerry Lewis (the "undisputed reigning King of Comedy" — undisputed?) … and Gen. Tommy Franks.

No, there isn't another Gen. Tommy Franks. The mastermind behind the Mess 'o potamia is traveling from city to city, speaking on "From the Battlefield to the Business World: Strategies that Get Results."

Apparently, there's a market for this.

Local business leaders have apparently been sitting around in their chambers of commerce wondering, "How can I make my business more of an insoluble quagmire?" Or "In today's competitive marketplace, how can our company create a situation in which we can never win and never leave?" Or "My employees' morale is at an all-time low after I lied to them into order to launch a massive campaign they now recognize as meaningless — can I force them to stay and pretend they're happy with some kind of private-sector variation on 'stop-loss'?" Or "Our company controls only a tiny sliver of market share, we're completely reactive and we can't even safely step outside our fortress-like headquarters, what's the best way to pretend we're actually in charge and in control?"

Or maybe even, "We set out to become the No. 1 automotive dealership in the county. After three bloody years and the slaughter of thousands of our potential customers, we've instead created an embryonic form of Iranian-style government. How can we convince corporate that we're meeting our goals and objectives?"

There is a kind of tradition of American generals hitting the lecture circuit like this. That's why Gen. George Armstrong Custer volunteered for duty in Indian country. Custer was sure his tales of victory would make him a popular and well-paid speaker back East after his tour of duty had ended. (That didn't quite work out the way he planned.)

I won't be going to the seminar here in Philadelphia. I don't want to hear somebody lecture on "Strategies that Get Results" when there's little evidence that they have ever: A) had a strategy, or B) gotten results.