Celebrate World Pistachio Day!

(Wait … is this really a thing? It sounds made up. Let’s check. Yep, it’s real. Who knew?)

This is, obviously, a very big day for “American Pistachio Growers, the trade association representing more than 625 pistachio grower members in California, Arizona and New Mexico.”

The pistachio growers trade association, of course, wants us all to celebrate World Pistachio Day by buying and eating lots of pistachios.

This is, on the one hand, an almost clumsily transparent example of crass commercialism. But then, on the other hand, it’s also a celebration of pistachios — which are delicious and nutritious and worth celebrating.

I mean, think about it — what’s the worst thing about pistachios? It’s those last few unopened nuts in the bottom of the bag, sitting there with their shells tightly clamped shut. You were just going to eat a few of these and save the rest for later, but then you couldn’t stop, somehow, and now you’ve got a pile of empty shells and you still want more, even though you’ve passed the point of Peak Pistachio. You’ve got a nutcracker around someplace in one of those drawers in the kitchen, but you haven’t seen it since last Christmas and you’re not sure if you can find it, or if it would even work since it’s designed for, like, Walnut-sized nuts. And anyway you’re not in the kitchen at the moment, so you just decide to try using your teeth. And that hurts.

It hurts, but it works — sort of. So you separate the rock-hard shell fragments in your mouth from the tasty morsel of that obstinate final pistachio, savoring it while giving thanks that you didn’t chip a tooth.

Would you have put yourself through all of that if pistachios weren’t worth celebrating?

Anyway, in the spirit of World Pistachio Day, I invite you to mark the occasion with my own clumsily transparent effort of crass commercialism in support of something tasty and nutritious. What goes better with pistachios than your very own eBook copy of The Anti-Christ Handbook?

Just like a bag of pistachios, this book comes in convenient bite-sized chunks, but you still have the option of devouring the whole thing in one sitting. Yet it won’t leave you with a bunch of unopened, uncrackable chapters at the bottom.

The Anti-Christ Handbook is also far safer for those with nut allergies.

(Note: Today is also, apparently, “Tell a Fairy Tale Day,” which might have been a more apt subject for an awkward attempt to plug my ebook. But I’m not fully convinced this “event” is more than just an Internet rumor. I checked all the national fairy tale trade associations and couldn’t find any press releases mentioning the occasion.)