First, here are a few words from Oprah’s next Super Soul Sunday guest, Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
“The other day, this tall strapping man in his mid-forties came to me to explore his particularly difficult relationship with his father. He said to me, in a voice that turned plaintive–like that of an eight-year-old, “Will I ever meet my father’s expectations? Will he ever accept the man I’ve become today?”
“Parents, few hold a greater power or more immense responsibility. And this is why I’m here today, to propose that we occupy the role of parenthood in an entirely different way, with a renewed curiosity, a heightened awareness, and transformed commitment. Because nothing like parenthood needs to be at the forefront of our global consciousness. It is the call, the linchpin that affects how our children will thrive. Everything: how they take care of themselves, each other, the earth, show compassion, tolerate differences, handle their emotions, create, invent, innovate. This is where global transformation begins. We cannot expect our children to embody an enlightened consciousness if we parents haven’t dared to model this ourselves. It all starts with us and how we parent.”
With intellect and passion, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent, and The Awakened Family, proposes that becoming a conscious parent requires looking deeply and honestly within oneself, and delving into one’s own fears and shortcomings.
“Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a practicing clinical psychologist in New York State. Holding a doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University, with training in psychodynamic and cognitive-behavioral approaches, her approach to parent-child journey is a major paradigm shift.”
According to Dr. Shefali, “children serve as mirrors of their parents’ forgotten self,” and our role as parents is to preserve our child’s true self and wholeness by healing our own brokenness.
I had the opportunity to hear Dr. Shefali speak at Oprah Winfrey’s SuperSoul Sessions Live Event at UCLA. Presenting candid insights regarding the many ways “parents unwittingly pass on an inheritance of psychological pain and emotional shallowness,” Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s session was one of the most unconventional and powerful sessions presented.
Inspiring parents to set examples for children by embracing imperfections, mindfulness practices and staying open-hearted and open-minded, Oprah Winfrey will feature Dr. Shefali this Sunday, August 7th at 11 a.m. ET/PT on OWN, for the all-new season of two-time Emmy award-winning series “SuperSoul Sunday.”
“Super Soul Sunday” focuses on thought-provoking, eye-opening and inspiring conversations designed to help viewers awaken to their best selves and discover a deeper connection to the world around them.
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“Born in India, and imbedded in the teachings of the East, her approach blends eastern philosophy and western psychology. She conducts workshops on mindful living and conscious parenting around the world.”
Here is an excerpt from Dr. Shefali’s conversation with Winfrey:
Parental Expectations
Oprah: What I have learned from you in just running my school and being a mother to many of the girls at that school has changed the way I parent. Because the number one thing I let go of is my expectations.
Dr. Shefali: Yes.
Oprah: “Which, you know, at first it sounds like, oh, gee, you don’t have expectations? I let go of what my expectation for what their lives should be.”
Dr. Shefali: “Exactly. Now, you hit upon why parents live riddled in fear. Because we’re not conscious that we have expectations that come really from our own sense of lack. Things that we didn’t finish off. Things that we didn’t resolve from childhood. This is what we are not even conscious to. So I put this on my child. And culture tells me, go ahead. One person you can put your expectations on is your child. In fact, you’re expected to have expectations. Right? So now if my child is not going to fulfill my expectations, I am going to panic. And my panic will quickly become control.”
The Role of a Parent
Oprah: “What is the true job of the parent?”
Dr. Shefali: “Two tasks the parent has to commit to on a moment to moment basis.”
Dr. Shefali: “So the child who’s dawdling at homework. What will become of this child? Maybe this child will be homeless? What does this say about me as a parent? We feel the same anxieties every moment. The task of an awakened parent is, what do we do with this moment? Do we go inward? Or do we project it outward through reactivity and control. So that’s the first task of an awakened parent is to ask that question. What does this moment reflect about me?”
Oprah: “Moment to moment. Yes.”
Dr. Shefali: “And the second task, the control I give parents, and they go, really? Tell me, tell me, what’s the control I have? I say to them, you have control over the conditions that you create in your home. So if you see that your child cannot detach from the screen, guess what? You get to go and talk to your child and possibly take the phone away and say, it’s not for your highest good. And I know you’re angry with me right now. But I know that this is not for your highest good.”
When my daughter began middle school, our morning routine was a constant example of the parent-child power struggle many experience. I adamantly believed it was my job to ensure she presented herself to the world in a certain way. I wanted her to wear neatly ironed, color coordinated outfits that (I thought) made her look appropriate and presentable. Not only did she not agree, but she wanted absolutely nothing to do with the iron or anything that involved coordinated planning.
She preferred (and still does) a consistent rotation of the same worn out t-shirts, sweat pants or shorts and flip-flops. In her opinion, the only things that were of importance was if she was comfortable and that she liked her outfit. This drove me crazy. There were countless mornings when she walked into the kitchen, after getting dressed, that I remember looking at her with a look of disapproval. I can actually remember thinking, ‘What will people think of me when she shows up at school with holes in her t-shirt?’
After a few months, I began to notice we were communicating less and she appeared uncomfortable in my presence. With heartbreaking realization, I began to see that my projections were diminishing her sense of self. I was draining her spirit and trying to condition her the same way I had been conditioned. I was trying to change her and mold her into an image I myself didn’t really want to uphold. To say the least, I was making her unhappy.
It has been my experience that nothing highlights our emotional wounds more than being a parent. The very situation of being a critical and over judgmental parent, that I hoped to avoid with my daughter, is precisely the situation I had created.
After a prolonged and honest self-examination, I realized I had to let go of thinking I know what something should be, or who someone should be. She is not here to reflect my ideals of appropriate presentation, or to serve as my vessel for public comfort. I had to decide to “pick my battles” while simultaneously giving her room to express herself accordingly. It wasn’t easy, but it was absolutely necessary.
According to Dr. Shefali, “When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”
Dr. Shefali challenges myths of traditional parenting in ways that speak directly to surrendering in a way “lifts parenting out of the physical and into the realm of the sacred.”
By implementing just some of the ideas from The Awakened Family, I can only imagine how much better off we all would be.
In addition to airing on OWN, Dr. Shefali’s segment will also be available on SuperSoul.TV in its entirety.
For more information on Dr. Shefali Tsabary you can log onto https://drshefali.com/, or onto http://www.supersoul.tv/.
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