  I was raised steeped in pro-life rhetoric. We were told that we were not only pro-child but pro-woman; that abortion was deeply traumatic and abusive for women as well as deadly for babies, and we all had to work together to save women and babies by making it stop, and I believed that. I believed it without question. We were told that, although it’s gravely sinful for a mother to kill her unborn child, we should regard mothers... Read more
 I woke up with anxiety again– the hard, solid, agonizing bezoar of fear and apprehension in the pit of my stomach. The feeling that a SWAT team was going to break down the door, or a tornado was going to demolish the house, or that my husband and daughter were going to die– that level of urgency, over nothing at all. I heard my violent next door neighbor letting her German Shepherd out on its squeaky chain, starting her... Read more
Tuesday was absolutely magical, one of the best days of my life. Wednesday was one of the worst, and I can’t say exactly why. I think it was just the whiplash: taking my fear in both hands and driving all the way to Pittsburgh for the first time ever, eating a gluten free bakery treat that put me out of ketosis for the first time since December, seeing all the beautiful sights of the urban areas I’ve deeply missed living... Read more
We went to Pittsburgh. I’ve been so sick with anxiety it’s hard to write about anything except how anxious I feel lately. Every time I sit down at the computer I feel like I’m going to throw up. There’s so much to fill you in on, I don’t know where to start, but we’ve had adventures the past few weeks. The most exciting adventure was yesterday, in Pittsburgh. On Monday of Holy Week we got our one big check for... Read more
 I don’t know how many different times I can say that I wish I had a different person to show you. Mary Pezzulo is boring and weak. I would like to be exciting and strong. But there’s only me here. It’s a terrible feeling when the internet is staring at me, and I haven’t blogged in several days, and it’s Easter Week and I’m supposed to think of something bright and encouraging to say, and I know there’s only... Read more
  I want to follow up on my recent posts about Progressive Anti-Abortion Uprising, the radical pro-life group that was caught with, as we’ve all heard a thousand times by now, five fetuses in an apartment. PAAU responded to me, so I will respond to them. As you recall, a few weeks ago I wrote a blog post with an extreme content warning describing the video which Progressive Anti-Abortion Uprising created as evidence for their claims that they took... Read more
 On Good Friday I went to confession. I’m not saying that was the right choice. It probably wasn’t. People with religious trauma should probably take some time to get their heads on straight before returning to the sacraments when the sacraments cause panic. But I just didn’t like the idea of going any longer without confession, and it was Good Friday. And the next thing I knew I was stimming in line at the church on the other side... Read more
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you didn’t kill Jesus. A lot of wise people are talking about this right now, and I want to add to their voices from a Catholic perspective. You absolutely did not kill Jesus. You couldn’t have. Jesus is God. Jesus voluntarily chose to come from Heaven to Earth in order to suffer with you because He loves you and couldn’t stand for you to suffer alone. The name of this... Read more
 I went for another hike. At the beginning of Lent, I’d set as a penance for myself to go swimming whenever I could. The repetitive motion of swimming laps clears my mind and helps me to pray and meditate. But the events of the past few months had already badly worn me down, and then the events that went on during Lent made it so much worse. I have panic attacks when I meditate now. I don’t want to... Read more
 Rose and I went into the locker room at the rec center, the next town over where there’s an indoor pool. Rose was excited and scampered in first to get her shower over with, so she could go swimming. I plodded after her in my tiresome slow mother way, dragging our bag with the swim suits in it. I dragged the bag past an older woman who was changing into her bathing suit, not in one of the changing... Read more
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