Mother’s day is a great time to reflect on how my relationships with my two daughters has changed me. When I was young, I made lists of the things that I would teach my daughter – if I was lucky enough to have one. However, it struck me recently how much my daughters have taught me about love, letting go, imperfection, and resiliency.
Being a mom has always felt like an honor, a gift – something to be grateful for. Truth be told, my first born was a son and our relationship has been loving and uncomplicated. However, no one prepared me for how much my relationships with my two daughters would both challenge me and teach me lessons about love. Too much closeness, misunderstandings, affectionate, and conflictual – these are all ways to describe our tender and complex bond.
10 Lessons I learned from my daughter(s):
- Learn to let her go and try not to lean on her too much. Give her space to grow and to develop her own identity – this will strengthen your connection.
- Be her mother and mentor but realize this isn’t the same as being a friend. Don’t confide in her when it comes to personal information that doesn’t involve her. You can enjoy each other’s company and be connected, yet be autonomous individuals.
- Honor your daughter’s boundaries. Try not to take it personally if she doesn’t want to invite you to join her and/or her friends for social activities.
- Be a strong and supportive role model. But in order to help her find her way, she’ll need to question your decisions and personality at times. Lead by example.
- Direct your praise away from her body and appearance and comment on her talents and strengths. Say things like “You look so healthy;” or, I can see how happy you are – you’re radiant.
- Teach her kindness towards herself and others. Modeling self-acceptance will help your daughter learn it’s okay to make mistakes and that we all have flaws. Practice what you preach!
- Don’t ask too much of her. Keeping your expectations realistic will improve your relationship with your daughter. She can’t make up for what you didn’t get from other people.
- Send out a message of hope about relationships. Be careful not to pass on a pessimistic view of love or mistrust of partners or marriage. If you are divorced or remarried, encouraging her to spend plenty of time with her other parent will help to restore her faith in love.
- Have faith in your daughter. While it may be hard to let go, you can delight in watching her grow into a self-confident person.
- Accepting and respecting the differences between you and your daughter will strengthen your connection in the years to come. You can’t live through her or save her from the pain that comes from growing into womanhood – but you can delight in her joys.
Why exactly is the mother-daughter relationship so complicated? In Our Fathers, Ourselves, Dr. Peggy Drexler notes that many mothers like to feel connected to their daughters and, in many cases, their daughters’ friends. She writes, “At a time when there is so much societal pressure to stay young, this helps keep us feeling youthful. It also helps us feel appreciated long after our children stop “needing” us to survive.”
Dr. Drexler makes the point that many mothers seek validation through their daughters. In my case, this need was exaggerated after my divorce (over two decades ago) when my coping skills were strained. In fact, trying to be my older daughter’s friend post-divorce didn’t leave room for the role of mom and even led to tension at times.
Since I was divorced when my first daughter was eight years old (her half-sister is twelve years younger), I know firsthand how trying to be your daughter’s friend can be tricky. One important lesson that I learned is that letting go means accepting that your daughter is separate from you and that she has her own personality, interests, and choices to make.
Boundaries are an important part of any relationship, but they are especially critical for mothers and daughters. As mothers, we want our daughters to grow up to be independent and self-confident. But when we are overly involved and encourage them to tell us all of their deep, dark secrets, this may make it problematic for them to break away and to establish their autonomy – a crucial developmental task of adolescent identity formation.
Two of the best gifts a mother can give her daughter are to encourage her to accept her imperfections and to develop intrinsic self-worth – which is not based on her physical appearance, social status, or accomplishments. It is the ability to love and affirm herself. By example, show your daughter every day the value of listening to her own voice and self-love.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship was published in January of 2016 by Sourcebooks.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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