Dear Terry,
I have been married twice and both marriages were short in nature and shared surprisingly similar characteristics of dysfunction and emotional withdrawal. Both of my husbands were in dire need of “saving” and I entered into each union anxious from the beginning.
Although I was not in touch with those emotions at the time nor of my tendency to rescue partners, I am now keenly aware of my people pleasing nature and trying to brake this pattern at this time. My second marriage ended because my ex-husband had a two year affair with a co-worker and this left me feeling that I couldn’t trust new partners.
I have spent the last eight years healing, focusing on myself and ensuring my emotional and relationship health. I have learned to love life, myself, and my friends. I am very pleased with the place that I am now finding myself and I am looking forward to a satisfying and healthy relationship, and a successful career as a businesswoman.
I have been in an intimate relationship with a man I adore for last three years and we have developed a strong friendship. He is a wonderful person and has not given me reasons to mistrust him. Kevin is kind, trustworthy, and faithful. I have known him for such a long period of time and I know that he is not being deceptive about his character.
However, I am finding that due to the fact that my last marriage ended so dramatically with infidelity and so much drama, I’m struggling to trust Kevin. I have a lot of baggage and this is no reflection upon him or his actions. But Kevin is getting tired of my accusations and intense questions when I feel mistrustful. Even when Kevin is ten minutes late, I give him the third degree and it starts an argument.
I have tried to find books and internet searches on healing and rebuilding trust after divorce and have found few resources to help me with this issue. Can you be of assistance to me or steer me towards a solution so that Kevin and I can stay together and be happy?
Regards,
Bonnie
Dear Bonnie,
Your situation is a common one and I am happy to share some tips and resources with you. Extending trust to others can rekindle your inner spirit and can bring happiness to both you and your partner. A healthy, long-lasting relationship can be achieved if you face your trust issues and learn how to stop them in their tracks before they damage your relationship with Kevin any further. The truth is that there are smart ways to rebuild trust and gain self-respect:
- Get in touch with the root of your trust issue. Do you sometimes feel that love is easily broken and fear that it will disappear despite everything you do?
- Extend trust to yourself – trust your instincts and intuition. This involves moving on from the past, forgiving others, and accepting yourself as you are today.
- Extend trust to others. Don’t automatically assume that a failure of competence is a failure of character. Many mistakes aren’t intentional so don’t make them into something they are not.
- Make sure the words you use to express your feelings are consistent with your goal of building a loving and trusting relationship. It’s important not to blame or criticize your partner when you confront him. Listen to his side of the story.
- Challenge mistrustful thoughts. Are they based in reality or related to your past experience?
- Keep in mind that restoring trust is a slow process. You were born with a propensity to trust but through your life experience you may have become less trusting as a way of protecting yourself.
- Face your trust issues with optimism and make a conscious choice to trust others who demonstrate consistent behavior and are deserving of your trust.
- Counseling with a trained professional can also help many people who have endured divorce, break-ups, and/or infidelity to overcome trust issues and find lasting love.
Let’s close with the words of Neal Maxwell, writer and educator: “It’s better to trust and sometimes be disappointed than to be forever mistrusting and be right occasionally.”
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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