Dear Terry,
My ex-husband was unfaithful to me and left me suddenly for a woman that he was having an affair with. It has been a horrible time in my life but I realize that I had a part to play in his leaving suddenly. It’s not my fault he was unfaithful but I never allowed him to explain things related to his affair and I regret this. It might have helped me gain closure because I have a lot of unanswered questions.
When my ex -spouse told me about the affair, I put my foot down, asked him to move out immediately and told him that I could never forgive him. He did just that and filed for divorce a few days later. And I never let him discuss why he was unfaithful or for how long his affair lasted. I’m still confused because our marriage wasn’t that awful and I’m in shock that he would betray me like he did.
I think forgiving myself as well as my former spouse is very important to moving on but I’m not there yet. I can’t wait for the time when I can think about his cheating and not get angry and sad and just look at it as a tragic life event. Baby steps to healing I suppose.
Just as important, I want to forgive myself for not being the best wife I could be. He did tell me that I took him for granted, wasn’t supportive and receptive to the changes he was going through at work, and I was not affectionate. I disagree with him using these as reasons to being unfaithful. But my ex did have some good points because I grew up in a dysfunctional family and it is hard for me to show appreciation, affection, and to praise people. I tend to complain a lot and to look at their flaws.
I feel that once I can forgive my ex and myself successfully, I can move on. Do you have any suggestions to help me?
Sincerely,
Kendra
Hello Kendra,
I’m sorry that you are experiencing the trauma and stress of both betrayal and being left by a spouse. However, it is wonderful that you are choosing to work on forgiveness and letting go. Forgiveness in not the same as accepting, condoning, or excusing someone’s behavior. It is as much for ourselves as for the person who betrayed us. Another important thing to remember is that it is a process and takes time.
The following two steps might help you on your journey toward forgiveness:
- Find a way to remove yourself from negative emotions. Examples include therapy, yoga, walking, improving your physical health, and practicing expressing thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a loving way. When you focus on your own healing, it will be easier to let go of toxic emotions that hold you back from enjoying life and finding fulfilling relationships.
- Take small steps to let go of grudges or grievances. Repair hurt feelings by finding ways to soothe them. This might include writing a letter or release to the person who injured you – even if you don’t mail it. Your letter might read something like: “I release you from the pain you caused me when you had an affair. What you did was extremely hurtful and you never gave me the chance to hear why you were so unhappy to do this. But I am releasing you and moving on to a happier life.”
Often people who have been betrayed can feel like victims and this becomes their story. While this is understandable, it is healthier to write a new narrative based on a balanced view of life that focuses on choices and healing. It’s important to express your sadness, anger, shame, and hurt feelings about being betrayed by your husband. However, it’s best not to get stuck in those feelings or to get trapped in the role of a victim.
Remember that you can choose to live a life that is filled with good things and try to embrace painful experiences as part of a journey towards enlightenment and loving relationships.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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