Dear Terry,
I’m divorced and I’ve been dating someone for a few months now. Kyle was basically a friend before we started dating. My kids are seven and nine. They knew him as a friend before and they seem to like him.
My ex knows know that I am dating Kyle and we communicate pretty well. Our kids have shared custody and a good relationship with both of us. My ex is dating and we both approve of each other’s significant others. Most of the time, things go smoothly with our co-parenting.
The issue is that I don’t know when I should actually introduce the kids to Kyle as someone special in my life. He’s been around, but always in group settings. Like when we have a party and things like that. They adore Kyle and play with him all the time when he’s visiting, but I’m scared about the transition from friend to boyfriend.
I’m not too sure how I would tell my kids that I plan to continue dating Kyle, or when it would even be a good time to introduce him as my boyfriend. My daughter, who is the eldest, is who I worry about the most. Do you have any suggestions on what to do or how I should handle the situation? How long should I wait to introduce Kyle as my boyfriend?
Sincerely,
Becca
Dear Becca,
First of all, I would like to praise you for taking it slow and not introducing Kyle to your kids right away. You are wise to consider their ages and to recognize that this transition may be an adjustment for them.
If you approach dating thoughtfully after your divorce and consider your children’s needs, it will pay off in the long run. Your kids may feel a mixed bag of emotions about you dating and even harbor fantasies that you will reconcile with your ex-spouse. This might make it a challenge for them to accept someone you are dating into their lives.
As a result, it’s crucial to assess whether your new romantic relationship is casual or might be permanent. Ask yourself: Is my new partner a good fit for my family? After all, you might have great chemistry and compatibility with someone, but they might not be well suited to join your family.
5 tips for introducing your new partner to your children:
- Keep in mind that your needs for intimacy may conflict with your children’s needs. Just because you are smitten with your new love, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your positive feelings. In fact, children of divorce often feel rivalry with their parents’ love interest – especially the first few years after the divorce.
- Timing is essential to healthy family adjustment after divorce. Children need time to adjust to their parents’ split and it can take at least two years for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions. Introducing a new love interest too soon may delay or damage this process. You owe it to your kids to take it slow!
- Consider your children’s emotional needs. Introducing your new lover to your kids as your boyfriend can increase stress in the house and take energy away your kid’s ability to grieve the losses associated with your divorce if done too soon.
- Have fun dating when your kids are with their other parent, friends, or family members. If you introduce your children to someone who you are dating casually, this may create ambivalence for them about intimacy if things don’t work out. Inform your kids that you are going out with friends and that’s enough information.
- Set an example for responsible parenting and dating. Keep in mind that your children look to you as a model for healthy adult romantic relationships so proceed with caution.
If you’ve been dating someone for a while (at least 3-4 months) and feel relatively confident that you are heading toward commitment, talk to your children and explain that you are dating someone who you care about and that you’d like to introduce to them. Ask them if they have any questions. Keep the first meeting short and low key. Going to a restaurant or neutral spot for the first meeting is best. Ask your kids where they’d like to go and don’t invite your partner’s children to join you on the first few visits.
Be sure not to plan an overnight with your new love interest in your home right away. If you have shared custody, it should be easy to spend an overnight with them when your children are with your ex. Having your new partner spend the night should only be an option once you are fairly sure that your relationship is permanent or you are engaged.
It’s important to assure your kids that your partner will not replace their other parent or change your relationship with them. Have realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of him or her. It may take time for your kids to bond with your new love interest. However, over time it’s possible for everyone to adjust to their new relationships and enjoy each other’s company.
In closing, dating after divorce can be enjoyable if you approach it attentively. Keeping your children’s needs in mind will help you preserve your bond with your kids and promote their resilience while you make a smooth transition into the next phase of your life.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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