How Do I Take a Chance on Love the Second Time Around?

How Do I Take a Chance on Love the Second Time Around? September 20, 2018

Dear Terry,

I’ve been married once, and we were not even married quite a full year when we divorced. But my ex ended up not being faithful so we ended things. I was only 21 and now I’m somewhat older (28). From reading some articles, it says that trust is one issue that can be hidden and surface later on when we get into an intimate relationship.

Now I’m in a committed relationship with a wonderful man named Brad and we’ve been together almost two years. But we got into an argument the other night and he pointed out that I have trust issues. I’ve been thinking about it lately and he’s right.

I’m having a hard time trusting Brad and I have no idea why, he’s never shown weird behavior that makes me think he’s being unfaithful, he’s always there for me. Brad has treated me a million times better than my ex and he really seems to care deeply about me and my two kids. We’ve even talked about marriage but I don’t want to marry Brad until I’m sure I can trust him. I fear that I will get hurt again if I allow myself to get close to him.

I really want to fix this trust issue because it’s starting to drive us apart. How do I know that Brad will not betray me like my ex did? Could you please give me some advice on this?

Sincerely,

Suzanne

Hi Suzanne,

It’s not uncommon to have trust issues and you are smart to want to work on them before you get engaged. If you are so inclined, counseling or coaching can help you gain insight. Or, you might consider going to couples counseling. The most important thing to keep in mind is that it takes time to rebuild trust after a divorce and it can happen in degrees – not all at once. However, if you and your partner make a commitment to stay together, remain faithful, and extend trust to each other, it’s possible that you can have the loving, trusting relationship that you desire.

First and foremost, it’s important to understand that relationships don’t come with a guarantee and so it’s important for you to move forward with trusting Brad, in spite of your doubts, so you can create a loving relationship and talk about building a life together.

Truth be told, you can’t truly love someone and achieve intimacy if you mistrust them. Love is a positive emotion and it doesn’t go with fear – the two emotions are incompatible. Plus, Brad will sense your mistrust and this may upset him at times and perhaps even cause him to feel angry and distance himself from you. Some partners become tired and discouraged with living day in and day out with a partner who is mistrustful. This sense of disillusionment can even cause some people to end their relationship.

Many of the individuals who I coach and counsel are still angry from past betrayals and they question whether a new relationship is worth the potential pain. They are worried that they will be taken advantage of and that they’ll be left behind to clean up the debris from their former relationship which includes debt and emotional distress.

However, you can build confidence in yourself and Brad with courage and persistence. Love is always a risk, but in most cases, a risk worth taking. I wish you the best in your journey toward love, trust, and intimacy!

Best Regards,

Terry

Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry 

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