Many people complain to me that they aren’t getting their needs met in their relationship, but they fail to ask for what they need in a positive, non-blameful way to begin with. Or, they are not comfortable being vulnerable so they are secretive, withhold information, or are dishonest with their partner.
For instance, Keith and Suzanne, both in their early-forties, a couple who I met with for counseling, shared that Suzanne’s mistrust of Keith was leftover baggage from her first marriage because she had endured financial and sexual infidelity. Suzanne was secretive about loaning her younger brother Sam money so he could start a small business. She often withheld crucial information from Keith due to fear of rejection or not wanting to deal with his disapproval.
Keith reflects: “I know that I can get defensive and critical of Suzanne when it comes to loaning Sam money. But the facts are that when she is honest with me and tells me up front, I’m not blindsided and so don’t get angry. I care about my brother-in-law and he is a good kid. I love my wife and don’t want her to be so afraid of my response that she feels she has to keep secrets from me.”
During our sessions, Suzanne and Keith both reflected on their own difficulties with being vulnerable and how it prevented them from being close emotionally at times. I explained to them that before they can begin to build a long-term successful relationship, they must be vulnerable and learn to rely on each other – which means letting go of the belief that they must handle lives problems alone.
Life can feel overwhelming at times and developing a mindset of “we’re in this together” can help you and your partner feel emotionally connected and lean on each other in a healthy, supportive way.
Being Vulnerable and Using “I” Statements Will Increase Intimacy
When Suzanne is vulnerable and communicates that she needs Keith’s support to help her brother, it can actually bring them closer because she is taking a risk and honestly expressing her needs and desires to him. In turn, he feels more comfortable expressing the tender feelings he has toward Sam and his desire to help him. When they communicate openly, it’s a win-win situation and they’re building trust and intimacy with each other.
For example, Suzanne might use a “I” statement and say to Keith: “I feel worried about telling you that I gave Sam a loan so he can open a new auto shop. When you express disapproval about me helping him, it makes me feel upset because I don’t feel you trust that he’ll pay us back.” Whereas a “You” statement might be: “You never trust Sam so that’s why I didn’t tell you about loaning him money. It’s seems like you get mad when you can’t control our money.”
Think about the impact of each statement on this couple’s communication and level of closeness. Using a “You” statement will most likely cause Keith to feel defensive and to get angrier at Suzanne whereas using an “I” statement promotes good communication.
5 key reasons vulnerability leads to intimacy:
- By being vulnerable, you are being more transparent and encouraging your partner to do the same. Love means risking occasionally getting your feelings hurt; it’s a price you have to pay for intimacy because you and your partner are being open and vulnerable with each other.
- Being vulnerable means being authentic and being able to risk expressing your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. The more you know and understand what makes you tick and ask for what you need, the better prepared you’ll be to invite a partner to be close to you. It will also help to build stronger friendships because others will sense your authenticity.
- It helps you to be a team player and this can give you strength. There will always be those who don’t agree or approve of your words or actions. Asking for help and being transparent can allow your partner and others to recognize that you are open to their opinions and want to collaborate.
- It will help you pay attention to your own needs and feelings rather than ignoring them. It’s impossible to achieve interdependence with your mate if you give up too much of your personal power.
- You will become more emotionally connected with your partner. Asking for what you need from your partner is about being vulnerable and inviting intimacy. Be sure to start with an “I” statement such as “I would love for you to plan a night out for us. I am longing for more time alone with you.”
Being vulnerable, expressing your thoughts and feelings, and asking for support may not always be easy, but over time it becomes more natural. Many people were raised with a mindset of being independent and it takes time and practice to let down your guard and to let others be there for you.
In the long run, your relationship or marriage will be more authentic, and you’ll feel more intimate with your partner, if you allow yourself to be more vulnerable with him or her.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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