When answering this question, it’s important to understand that narcissism exists on a continuum from mild to severe. Narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and other narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Keep in mind that narcissism is very hard to diagnose – even by experts. The key to making an informed decision about staying or leaving a relationship with someone who you believe has Narcissism, is to become more informed so you can make a conscious choice.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder – is a pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and egotism. Individuals with this personality exaggerate their accomplishments/talents, have a sense of entitlement, lack empathy or concern for others, are preoccupied with envy and jealousy, and have an arrogant attitude. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-esteem are unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings. This sense of entitlement also produces a feeling that they are entitled to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.
Before deciding whether to end your relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, I highly recommend that you take a close look at your needs and prioritize them. For instance, some people have a higher capacity and/or ability to deal with a “perilous narcissist.” In her acclaimed book Disarming the Narcissist , Wendy Behary LCSW describes this type of narcissist as unremorseful and devoid of a moral compass – as having a complete disregard and contempt for others. She writes, “There are certain circumstances where an intimate relationship with a narcissist isn’t worth fighting for, even if you have the leverage. The narcissist may even be a threat to your (and your children’s) security, safety, and stability.”
According to Behary, safety should be your first and foremost priority when dealing with a “perilous narcissist” – especially if their threats are increasing and they are violent or explosive. If your partner is perpetually verbally or emotionally abusive and becomes more callous or menacing, you may have to decide to put the safety of yourself and your children first and come up with an exit strategy.
If you choose to preserve your marriage, you are wise to learn new ways to understand and respond to your partner. Examining your own communication patterns and tendency to be selfless or co-dependent is essential to changing the dynamic between you and your partner. Focus on personal responsibility rather than blame and call attention to your needs. It’s essential to let go of feeling overly responsible and to stop putting your needs last at the expense of your own happiness.
Consider these points if you decide to preserve your relationship:
- Don’t let your partner off the hook. In other words, practice empathetic confrontation which is showing compassion while setting limits. For instance, it’s important to hold the narcissist accountable when he acts condescending, selfish, controlling, or downright mean.
- Pay attention to what your partner does more than what he or she says. Many narcissists are charming and articulate, but don’t follow through with their actions.
- Avoid exposing your child to high-conflict that involves them, is physically violent, threatening or abusive; and conflict in which the child feels caught in the middle.
- Read, attend workshops, and visit websites designed to help you learn effective communication strategies to cope with a partner with narcissism such as reflective listening and setting healthy boundaries.
- Encourage your partner to get counseling by someone who specializes in treating someone with NPD or narcissistic traits and seek professional help yourself. If he or she can’t respect and honor your needs, walk away with dignity.
Being in an intimate relationship with a narcissist can be dreadful but leaving and establishing your own life is often a daunting task. It’s important to think logically and to map out your moves rather than letting your emotions guide you.
Here are 5 tips on how to breakup with your partner in the most caring, safe way:
- Focus on the only thing you can control – your behavior! You alone are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t be persuaded by your partner to do something that you’re uncomfortable with just to keep the peace. Adopt a business-like “Just the facts, ma’am” style of communicating with him/her.
- Set boundaries and minimize contact with your ex-partner. High-conflict personalities thrive on the possibility of combat. So be prepared and write a script to use when talking to him or her and try to stick with it, using as few words as possible. For instance, if they try to persuade you to reunite, say something like: “I tried to make this relationship work. Nothing has changed and it’s not healthy for us to stay together. I wish you well.”
- Be sure to show compassion toward your children and don’t badmouth their other parent in their presence. Divorce is painful but sometimes necessary if children are exposed to certain types of conflict or abuse. However, they are vulnerable to experiencing loyalty conflicts and shouldn’t be in the middle between their parents.
- Be sure that you and your children feel safe. This might mean having a close friend or family member on hand when you talk to your partner.
- Make sure you have plenty of support from a lawyer, friends, family, and a therapist.
What Are the Benefits and Costs of Living with a Narcissist?
Whether you decide to stay in your relationship or end it, consider the balance between the pros and cons of living with a narcissist. When you are dealing with a narcissist on a daily basis, it’s critical to seek professional help because you don’t have to submit to a dysfunctional relationship. While there is no clear-cut path to follow that will lead to a guaranteed positive outcome, you are wise to carefully consider the hazards of living with a partner who has NPD or narcissistic traits.
There are certain circumstances where it’s unwise to stay in an intimate relationship with a narcissist. For the most part, people leave a narcissistic partner or divorce him or her because they feel unsafe or abused in the relationship. In other words, the person with narcissism threatened them and/or their children’s safety, security, or well-being. Coming out from the shadow of this type of toxic dynamic can take time and survivors can use strategies to draw from.
Truth be told, it’s crucial that you take an honest look at the impact your partner’s behaviors and the dynamics in your relationship are having on you and possibly your children. Once you accept that you can only control your own behavior – not a person with NPD – your life will greatly improve.
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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