Dear Terry,
I’ve been dating Steven for two years and he wants to make a commitment to be exclusive, and hopefully engaged soon. In the past few weeks, I’ve been getting cold feet and I don’t know why. Steven’s a good guy, smart, good-looking, and ambitious. He’s finishing up a master’s degree in engineering and will get a great job because he already has a lot of experience working at his dad’s company.
You see, we are only twenty-five and started dating on the rebound. We were both in toxic relationships when we met at a mutual friend’s party. I thought Steven was cute, but truthfully there are things about him that are hard for me to overlook. Appearances are important to me and he doesn’t put much effort into how he dresses. Next, he does have a stutter and since I’m very social, I’m afraid this will be a handicap later if we get married. He’s been to therapy about it but it hasn’t improved.
Steven wants a commitment from me soon and I’m very confused and uncertain. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Shelby
Dear Shelby,
While most people end up making a commitment with some degree of uncertainty, you have listed many reasons why Steven isn’t the right guy for you and not many about why he is “Mr. Right.” Generally speaking, before you make a commitment, it would be a good idea to consider if you have both chemistry and compatibility because I believe that both are essential to a healthy, long-term relationship. Perhaps the first step in evaluating your decsion is examining the difference between compatibility and chemistry.
- Chemistry: This usually refers to physical attraction but can include intellectual attraction as well. It is about how interesting and stimulating you find the person. Do you enjoy each other’s touch and is their sexual chemistry? It’s essential because without it, you are little more than friends. Author Mira Kirshenbaum writes: “But you can’t say you have good chemistry unless you can say “I feel there’s real affection here.”
- Compatibility: Is about sharing common values and goals, having fun together, and liking each other: it helps to sustain a couple through tough times. However, both chemistry and compatibility are essential to a long-lasting healthy intimate relationship.
If you find yourself attracted to partners that you don’t have chemistry and compatibility with, you may be inclined to have one-sided, co-dependent, or unhealthy relationships. Perhaps you grew up in a family where you were a caretaker or focused more on making others happy. Maybe you even felt that you had to be in a good mood regardless of your true feelings.
Most importantly, be sure to take the time to decide if Steven is a person who allows you to be your best self and make a commitment to him out of a desire to love him but also grow and develop as a person. This will allow you to have the best chance of achieving long-lasting love.
Best Regards,
Terry
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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