Tina and Chris, in their early fifties, met through a close friend a year after her divorce and have been married for eight years. Tina didn’t feel ready to fall in love or to enter another relationship so soon after her marriage ended. However, when a friend played matchmaker and introduced her to Chris, Tina finally gave in and agreed to go to a party with him. From that point on, there was a spark, and they spent most weekends together – either alone or with her ten-year old twins Caleb and Noah.
Things went smoothly during their courtship and early marriage until Chris was let go from his job as an administrator of a non-profit. The timing could not have been worse. Six months after Chris was laid off, Tina was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia – a musculoskeletal syndrome. This condition was causing her to feel fatigue, chronic pain, and depression.
Tina reflects: “My doctor isn’t quite sure how I developed Fibromyalgia but I’ve always been vulnerable to stress and that can cause it. After Chris was laid off from his job, I started worrying about money and was under a lot of stress paying the bills. We have a high mortgage since we had just upgraded to a larger home that would give my kids and us more room for privacy. When we’d been married about seven years, our communication got really negative and we rarely said anything positive to one another – our marriage became a battlefield and we were all struggling.”
Chris laments: “It just feels like the rug was pulled out from under us with Tina’s medical condition and me trying to find work. It’s not easy to land a high paying professional job at my age and I’m not willing to settle for an entry-level position. Tina is always tired and cranky from dealing with pain and the pressure of having to work hard and be the breadwinner – especially since my unemployment checks stopped coming.”
Tina and Chris’s feelings toward each other had become overwhelmingly negative and they weren’t expressing what they wanted in a positive way. After months of dealing with financial stress and illness, the positive feelings that they experienced evaporated. When Tina and Chris took off their rose-colored glasses, they were blindsided by major stressors, making it nearly impossible to build a culture of good feelings in their home and relationship.
Taking responsibility for your mindset or perspective is one of the powerful ways to restore positive feelings toward your partner. Don’t let the blame monster invade your home, and stop pointing out each other’s flaws. When problems arise, seek understanding first. Then, you must begin responding to your partner’s bids for connection by practicing effective communication and showing love.
For example, when Tina comes home feeling exhausted and seems to want to chat, Chris could offer her a cool drink and suggest that they sit for a while and share their thoughts about their day before cooking dinner. If they focus on finding each other doing something right, they’ll start off the evening on a positive note rather than engaging in criticisms, put downs, or sarcastic comments. Further, if Chris compliments Tina for continuing to work and carry financial responsibility for their family after his lay-off, this would promote good will in their marriage.
Both Tina and Chris have a choice about whether they want to adopt a positive mindset, support one another, and make a commitment to a loving, strong marriage. To achieve lasting love, it’s crucial that couples focus on their partner’s positive qualities rather than their deficits. After all, we all have flaws!
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Terry’s new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around will be published by Sounds true in 2020.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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