I hear over and over from women who email or meet with me: “Why can’t I allow myself to be intimate with my partner?” Or: “How come I feel like running every time he seems to take our relationship to the next level.”
For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel they are needed and appreciated for support they give. If they have been let down in the past, the prospect of needing someone can be frightening. Women with a fear of depending on their partner usually aren’t aware of it. Often, they complain that their partner is not meeting their needs but they don’t want to risk being close to him or her.
Our society prizes independence and it’s encouraged in divorced or high-conflict families when parents are preoccupied with their own issues. Certainly, there is nothing wrong with working hard and becoming self-sufficient. But at its root, extreme self-reliance is about fear of being vulnerable.
Take a moment to consider that you might be sabotaging relationship after relationship if you don’t get beyond your fear of being vulnerable. Your fear of showing weakness or exposing yourself to others, for instance, might be preventing you from being totally engaged in an intimate relationship. You may be freezing out the opportunity for love because you are fearful of sharing your inner most thoughts, feelings, and wishes.
Red Flags of Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
- Are you attracted to partners who want different things from a relationship or have values that are at odds with yours?
- Are you ignoring character traits or behaviors such as dishonesty, possessiveness, or jealous tendencies?
- Are you staying in a relationship too long even when you or important people in your life observe that you seem unhappy or feel mistrustful of your partner?
- Do you pursue partners who are distant or emotionally unavailable even though you know deep down inside that they will never meet your emotional needs?
Reigning in self-reliance will help you build a healthy relationship with a partner who is a good match for you. When you first discover that your independent nature sometimes prevents you from true intimacy, you may be unsure about how to change this pattern. It is often hard to decipher whether self-reliance is positive or negative. Becoming more conscious of your partner’s needs and the value of interdependence is critical to developing lasting love.
3 Steps to Achieving Vulnerability and Interdependence in Relationships
While all relationships present us with risks, they are risks worth taking. The following steps will guide you on your journey to being vulnerable and intimate with a partner:
- Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about accepting nurturing and support from your partner. Resist the urge to be overly independent and self-reliant around hot-button issues such as money, work, or family matters – like where you might celebrate holidays or go on vacations. Full disclosure about important topics is essential if you want to build intimacy with your partner.
- Visualize yourself in an honest and open relationship and work toward allowing yourself to be more vulnerable with your partner – let them nurture you and practice being more open about your needs. Vulnerability is a critical aspect of intimacy.
- Remind yourself daily that it’s healthy to accept help from others and a sign of strength rather than weakness. Developing interdependence with a partner will allow you to become more intimate with them. Don’t let your fear of rejection or loss stop you from achieving trusting, intimate relationships. Surrender your shield and let your partner in.
Taking ownership of your own unhealthy patterns that prevent you from true intimacy is crucial to achieving a balanced relationship and interdependence. You must let others in and embrace the idea that you don’t have to go through life alone. Healthy partnerships are within reach if you let go of fear and believe you are worthy of love and all the gifts it has to offer.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship was published in January of 2016 by Sourcebooks.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In