Experts advise us that adolescence is a time of transition from being a child to establishing an identity different from your parents. This normal process can become more complicated as teens experience the breakup up their parents’ marriage. Although it may take them about a year to adjust to your divorce, feelings of sadness or anger may reappear during stressful times such as taking exams or a parents’ remarriage – even if they’re coping fairly well overall.
Some of the challenges that teens face in divorced families include: living in two homes and dealing with different rules in each house, feeling in the middle between their parents, moving to a new town, dealing with parents dating; and possibly adjusting to one or both parents’ remarriage and stepparents or stepsiblings. I have counseled many children that had to adjust to their parents’ split and both parents getting remarried within two years after their divorce.
Colleen, age 12, put it like this: “My parents divorced when I was 9 and they both got married quickly and I had to deal with two stepparents and four stepbrothers and a stepsister. It might have been easier if they had given me time to deal with their breakup. No one asked my opinion and they didn’t seem to get how stressful it was living in two houses. My grades in school started to slip and either one of my parents put two and two together, so it just became my issue and I was the problem.”
Some warning signs that your teen is having difficulty coping with your divorce include displaying intense mood swings that range from extreme elation to extreme hostility toward others that last more than a few days. Also, they might rage towards others and overreact to triggers in their environment. This could be anything from temper tantrums (especially in public) to becoming exceedingly angry or irritable over small things.
Other warning signs of depression or psychological problems include radical changes in behavior such as fighting at school, cheating, stealing, lying, or intense arguments with others (teachers, friends; or you or their other parent), declining school performance for over a period of a few weeks, developing physical ailments or chronic complaints (such as stomach or headaches), sleep problems, eating disorders (or gaining or losing more than ten pounds when not trying to), changes in peer relationships such as losing friends or isolating themselves from social activities, and sadness that lasts more than a few days.
During and after divorce, it’s crucial that both parents promote a healthy bond with their teenager in order to nurture high self-esteem and resiliency. Showing your teen compassion and understanding won’t guarantee success every day but they’ll feel less stressed as a result. Be sure to establish an open dialogue with your teen so they can discuss the stresses in their life and brainstorm solutions with you.
6 tips to help your teen cope with divorce:
- Be an active listener when your teen wants to talk. When kids feel valued by their parents, they will value them in return. Teenagers are under a lot of stress at school and in peer relationships so need you to be available to listen. Turn off your cell phone when you’re with him or her. If you must take a call, keep it short and apologize if it interfered with your time together.
- Don’t bad mouth or argue with your ex in front of your teen. Model self-control and being polite with your former spouse. Negative comments about his/her other parent are likely to cause teens to experience loyalty conflicts – which can lead to emotional pain and turmoil.
- Avoid putting your teen in the middle between you and your ex. Be careful not to share too many details about your divorce with your teenager. Don’t grill them with questions about the other parent!
- Promote a healthy bond between your teen and both parents. It’s important to be flexible with your expectations about scheduling “Parenting Time” at both houses (if this is possible). Keep in mind that a teen need some control over his or her schedule.
- Set limits with love. Many parents complain that their teens are rarely home once they begin to drive or work. Remember you are the parent and need to set a positive tone for your household, including having expectations for behavior, curfew, etc..
- Be aware of warning signs of depression and seek professional help if needed. Adolescence is often a time of turmoil which is exaggerated by the multitude of changes that go along with parental divorce. If any of the warning signs detailed above persist for more than a few weeks, you are wise to seek professional help.
Ways to promote your teenager’s resiliency include expressing empathy, understanding, and support when they’re going through a challenging time. For instance, when Coleen’s parents noticed changes in her behavior and her grades slipping, it would have been a good idea to sit down with her and express empathy and get information. Instead, Colleen showed signs of depression such as sleep problems, complaints of chronic physical symptoms, and stopped doing her homework. Colleen believed that no one understood her pain and she withdrew. She blamed herself for her parents’ breakup and her poor grades.
Experts agree that friends, school, extracurricular activities, and jobs are all crucial to a teen’s well-being. Being flexible in your parenting schedule allows your teenager to enjoy the things that are essential for his or her life. Operating from a mind-set that your teen needs balance in their life will serve as a protective factor during the whirlwind of adolescence. Your teen might end up feeling disappointed or resentful if you try to get them to adhere to your expectations or you’re rigid.
Why is it that some teenagers seem to make it through their parents’ divorce relatively easily, while others struggle and are more likely to have a negative reaction? The reasons for these differences include: the child’s personality and temperament, gender, parenting styles, and a families post-divorce adjustment. Keep in mind that some teens, especially girls, don’t show out-ward signs of trouble until years later. Many experts refer to this tendency as the “Sleeper Effect.”
The good news is that if you’ve built a healthy foundation with your teen prior to your divorce, it’s likely that they’ll be resilient and adjust to your divorce. Try not to focus on their flaws and point out things they do well everyday. Divorce expert Rosalind Sedacca CCT writes: “How you handle this now will affect your long-term relationship with her. So don’t stand on your soap-box. Show her your empathy, compassion and the ability to turn the other cheek.”
Making an attempt to stay connected with your teen is worth the effort! Be sure to find time to go for a walk, go out for a burger or ice cream cone, and take the opportunity to connect as often as possible. Ask open ended questions such as “Anything new going on in school this week.” When you take time to truly listen to your teenager, they’ll be more likely to ask your advice when they have a problem.
You can find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020. Her books can also be ordered here.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry