Whether parents should stay together for the sake of their children depends to a large degree on the level of stress and disruption in family relationships that often go along with an unhappy or conflictual marriage. One show size doesn’t fit all when it comes to divorce. The degree of conflict in your marriage matters a lot and high conflict between parents is detrimental to children.
An important question is: would the well-being of my children be enhanced by my divorce? If the answer is yes, then a divorce can be advantageous. However, if divorce will expose your children to diminished resources, such as more conflict and more difficulty parenting, the answer may be to stay with your spouse – at least for the time-being (unless there is abuse).
How are you coping?
Divorce experts agree that a parent who has a reduced ability to cope with the stressors of life due to an abusive, extremely unhappy or high-conflict marriage is not well-suited to be a competent parent. It’s obvious that a happy parent raises well-adjusted kids who thrive.
Another thing that all divorce researchers agree upon is that the level of conflict among family members matters a great deal when it comes to looking at the adjustment of children. In her landmark book For Better or For Worse, Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington explains that while divorce might cause a huge disruption in the family – by two years later, stabilization and parenting skills have usually improved. It’s clear that conflict between parents, whether it occurs in an intact, divorced, or remarried family is associated with a wide range of negative effects for children that may be ongoing.
Here are 6 things to consider if you’re a parent in an unhappy marriage and considering divorce:
- Divorce is difficult and messy but sometimes necessary if a child is exposed to certain types of conflict or abuse. At times, the well-being of a child is enhanced after divorce but every family situation is unique. Whether a child will benefit or be harmed by divorce depends on how many resources and stressors are present.
- Stop arguing and make an agreement to eliminate high-conflict that involves the child, is physically violent, threatening or abusive; and conflict in which the child feels caught in the middle.
- Consider your child’s needs. A child’s vulnerability to suffering negative consequences of divorce if it occurs. These factors include: the child’s temperament, gender, and parenting plan.
- If you decide to divorce, consult a lawyer and a mediator. Research shows that children who have shared parenting (with equal access to both parents) fare better than those in sole-custody situations (given there isn’t any abuse).
- Encourage positive bonds between both yourself and your children before and after a divorce. This is especially important for fathers and daughters since this is the relationship that’s most vulnerable to disruption after divorce, according to Dr. Linda Nielsen.
- If you choose to stay in an unhappy marriage seek counseling and resources for yourself and other family members. It takes at least two years to recover from divorce and your children will thrive if you have support and are coping better.
One thing is for certain, it’s a good idea to take your time deciding whether to stay with your spouse or divorce (unless there is abuse). Also, it’s wise to consider marriage counseling before you throw in the towel. If you choose to divorce, take comfort in the fact that most children of divorce are resilient and show good adjustment in the long run. With patience and hard work some marriages improve over time – if both partners see themselves as part of a team, avoid blaming each other, and cultivate an atmosphere of admiration, respect, and tolerance.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.
Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
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