Intentional Listening Will Lead to Intimacy in Marriage

Hi Terry,

I hope you can save my marriage. I’ve been married to Kevin for ten years and things are getting worse since we had our second child. He says he loves me and our kids but seems very distracted and doesn’t listen to me. It feels like he wants me to keep my problems to myself so I don’t bother to share anything personal with him anymore.

Kevin says I’m critical of him and he is just busy with work (he’s a software consultant), doing our taxes, and keeping up with our home repairs. I’m at the end of my rope because we stopped having sex and rarely spend time together.

I read your blog on active listening on this website and I like it but I need more help.

Regards,

Kyla

Dear Kyla,

 It sounds like you have been feeling frustrated for some time about the quality of your interactions with Kevin. First, I would start practicing intentional listening that means focusing on hearing what he’s really telling you and letting him know you “get it.” Make sure your body language communicates interest, not judgment. To start, focusing more on changing your own approach might help improve your interaction with Kevin.

Then, in order to regain intimacy with Kevin, tell him how you genuinely feel without criticism or blame. For instance, if you want more time alone with him for emotional and sexual intimacy, you might say, “I miss having you all to myself and being sexy and intimate, can we try going to bed earlier tonight?”

Next, wait for Kevin’s response and try turning toward him by facing him and tuning into what he’s saying without responding right away. For instance, if Kevin says, “Sounds good but the Celtics and the Lakers game is on tonight,” hold back criticism and try to set a date for the following night.

Being an active listener requires that you put your own agenda aside and focus on what your partner has to say. It means that you’re willing to suspend your own concerns, needs, and thoughts temporarily so that you can be fully present with your partner and tune into the meaning of their words, tone of voice, and non-verbal communication.

In active listening, the listener gives feedback as a way to better understand and clarify what they are saying. In essence, the listener is validating what their partner is saying and helping the speaker feel a sense of being understood and being close and connected. For instance, if Kevin says he wants to watch basketball tonight, try saying “I know you love basketball and the Celtics are your team, so when can we schedule time alone this weekend?”

In some cases, you might feel sure that your needs are more important or that you know what’s best for your marriage. However, even if you know you’re right (intimacy is more important than basketball), ask yourself: Is it more important to be right or to be happy? Is it worth destroying your relationship by trying to prove you’re right?

Finally, sometimes couples are so absorbed in their own needs, they forget to see their partner as a person who deserves to be accepted and honored. You can strengthen your relationship with Kevin by learning more about his needs and discussing his thoughts and feelings so you can understand him better and show appreciation and acceptance.

If you spend more time listening and validating each other’s feelings, you’re on the path to building authentic love and improving the quality of your marriage. If you want to save your marriage and feel closer to Kevin, try listening in a new way. You are both worthy of love, kindness, and devotion.

According to Nancy Colier, LCSW, Rev., “Real intimacy is created when we offer each other the space and respect to have different and equally true experiences of life. We feel deeply in union when we can understand and accept what is true for our partner, regardless of whether we share that truth.”

Best Regards, Terry

Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry