Like many of the couples I counsel, Olivia, 38, and Jason, 40, are deeply committed to making their marriage work, but they have drifted apart sexually and emotionally after having three children and maintaining full-time jobs. They are seeking counseling because they want to explore ways to feel closer and more passionate like they did in the early years of their marriage.
Olivia put it like this: “I love Jason but it’s hard to find time to be intimate and it’s starting to feel like we’re roommates. We don’t make time to be alone together very often and I don’t know where to start.”
Jason responds: “I don’t want to blame Olivia but it feels like I’m not a priority since she seems to put our kids first. When I recommend that we go out to dinner or do something alone, she usually says we need to save the money or we need to stay with the kids. Since we have family to babysit, it doesn’t really make sense that we can’t go out sometimes.”
Fortunately, there are some simple things you can do to restore the spark you once had as a couple. In fact, even if you are not a touchy-feely person, increasing physical affection and emotional connection can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
Olivia and Jason are a busy couple raising three children and yet I explain that to keep their sex life vibrant, it’s important to make time to be alone (as a couple) least one night a week. They need to make time away from their children a priority. After modifying their schedule and planning some date nights, they both experienced more sensual feelings and emotional intimacy.
Olivia explains, “Between activities for the kids, work, and family commitments, we weren’t finding time for us. Then Jason, asked his mother to stay overnight and he booked a hotel room on Cape Cod. Since we live in Boston, it was only an hour away and we had plenty of time to reconnect and be sexually intimate. We hope it carries over to the rest of our lives.”
When it comes to sex, there will always be plenty of opinions about what to do to spruce up your sex life and bring mutual satisfaction. In my opinion, making your marriage a priority and scheduling time to do fun things (at home or in another location) can help you feel closer. Be sure to put your phones on silent and turn towards each other often by using good eye contact and listening with intention to him or her.
Enhancing Sensual Communication
Being more sensual in your communication with your partner includes talking about how attracted to them you are, how attractive you think he or she is, and what you look forward to during your time alone together. Saying something like “I love it when we share our thoughts and feelings and cuddle” can enhance your emotional intimacy. Saying something positive that you appreciate about your partner can bring you closer, such as “You make the best tacos ever, this dinner is so delicious.”
Follow these 4 Tips to Rev Up Your Passion and Intimacy:
- During the next two weeks, focus on a variety of ways to show love to your spouse. Try to smile more, touch your spouse frequently, sit close together on the couch, or offer reassurance with a gentle stroke of your hand if they seem to need it. Even a six-second kiss when you separate in the morning or reunite after work can bring you closer.
- Communicate with your spouse regarding their comfort level with physical touch and frequency of sexual intimacy. Let your partner know that you are comfortable with having “good enough” sex as a way to stay close. Sometimes when couples expect every love-making session to be extraordinary, it can take away from the playful aspects of sex that can make it fun and relaxing.
- Increase physical affection by doubling the amount you touch your partner. Hold hands with him or her, give them a massage, and demonstrate your love through touch twice as much as you have been. Departing and reunification at the end of the workday are good times to practice this ritual.
- Randomly leave “I love you” post it notes or send loving text messages at least once a day for a week. Think of fun and special places to leave these notes. Examples are the shower, lingerie drawer, or under their pillow. Text messages can include romantic content. For instance, “I can’t wait to hold you tonight – you’re so handsome!”
Give your partner the gift of love and passion today by being as responsive as you can be to their overtures for physical affection and emotional intimacy. Be sure to ask him or her open-ended questions such as “What was the best part of your day?” By doing this, you will pave the way more a more satisfying relationship which includes improved sexual and emotional intimacy.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.
Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
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