One of the toughest times of year for family members following difficult times is the holiday season. For instance, for a recently separated or divorced parent, the holidays can be an emotional, stressful, and perhaps a lonely time of year. This is especially true if they don’t have new traditions and support systems in place.
It’s no secret that the holidays can be highly stressful for divorced families. However, this stress is readily compounded because they may be dealing with the seemingly never-ending financial worries. And many families who are not divorced may also be experiencing an ever-changing set of challenges such as parental job loss, illness, death, and also financial stress.
The silver lining to going through difficult times as a family is that you can adopt new family rituals. For instance, one of my friends, Holly, whose mother died two weeks before Thanksgiving, told me that her daughter, Cara, age 17, requested that they put a Christmas Tree early. So, they put it up Thanksgiving weekend rather than a week later. As a result, they could enjoy decorating it and appreciate the lights and traditions of the holiday season for a longer time.
Try to Understand and Empathize with Your Children
Children may worry that they won’t get their needs met and they can benefit from new traditions and activities to replace the memories of holidays in the past if you’ve experienced family upheaval. Young children may be particularly vulnerable during the holiday season because they crave and thrive with predictability and routine – which go out the window this time of year.
What can you do to create new, positive holiday memories when you are going through difficult times? In my opinion, the first step is awareness that this is a stressful time of year and that your main goal needs to be let go of past grudges and bad memories so that you can create wonderful new ones.
Holding onto angry feelings toward your family or others can make you bitter. Remember that your goal is to create new, positive holiday memories for your children that will stay with them for years to come.
Modeling responsible behavior is key to having a successful holiday. Children pick up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of anger so do your best to keep these feelings in check.
4 Ways to Create Positive New Holiday Memories:
- Focus on spending quality time with your kids this holiday season (and always). Remember that spending time with your kids doing enjoyable activities is the best part of this busy season. Listen to them and plan to participate in some of the activities that they will want to engage in.
- Validate your children’s feelings if they express sadness or other negative emotions. Let them know that it’s okay to feel this way and you are there for them. Don’t make them feel guilty about their emotions.
- Begin new holiday traditions that will create positive memories for you and your children. For instance, playing games, watching holiday movies, baking Christmas cookies, listening to holiday music, or enjoying a special meal prepared by all of you. Hold onto traditions and activities from the past that worked for you and your kids.
- Remember to laugh and relax with your children. Laughter is one of the best ways to change a negative mood to a positive one. Take time out of every day to de-stress by doing things that you all enjoy – listen to music, work on a puzzle, or participate in other fun activities.
Creating new holiday memories isn’t easy but it’s well worth the effort. You and your children can build new traditions and memories of the holidays that will endure the test of time and nourish everyone. The holiday season doesn’t have to be a time of stress overload. Don’t forget to hug your children and remember to keep the focus on what is most important – sustaining a positive relationship with your children.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.
Terry’s forthcoming book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, will be published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
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