While many couples see remarriage as an opportunity to start fresh start and a new chance at happiness, the statistics reveal a different story with the divorce rate for second marriages being 60-67% compared to about 50% for first marriages.
Why is this so? There are many reasons and most of them involve blending people from two separate worlds and adding children to the mix. Add to this financial stress, differences in childrearing and discipline, the stepparent’s role, loyalty issues, and rivalries between family members.
However, it strikes me that if a couple have a foundation of trust and intimacy, they will be better able to withstand the stresses and storms inherent in second marriages and stepfamilies.
In my counseling practice, one of the first questions I ask remarried couples is this: how do you handle conflict in your relationship? It’s important for couples to understand that they’re not going to resolve all arguments but the key to managing conflict is to listen to each other, validate, and let your partner know that you understand their perspective.
For instance, Kevin, 44, is a saver and doesn’t like to spend a lot of money on vacations while his wife, Becky, 43, thinks nothing of spending $1,500.00 on a weekend get-a-way. Kevin said, “We have a lot of expenses and need to do some remodeling on our house, which is very much overdue.”
Becky put it like this: “We both brought two kids to the marriage and work full-time. I’m a second-grade teacher raising four kids under age twelve, sometimes, I need some couples time to feel connected to Kevin.”
While they may never agree, they were able to come to a compromise and stay at an Air B & B, instead of a first-class hotel, and save about $500.00, so Kevin was comfortable and Becky could still have a fun weekend away from their four children to recharge their batteries and to reconnect emotions.
Another question that I asked Kevin and Becky is this: what can you do as a couple to stay emotionally connected and intimate while raising children and keeping up with a busy work schedule? During our sessions, they both agreed that they needed some regular weekly rituals of connections.
With some prompting from me, Kevin suggested having desert and watching a movie or TV show after their kids went to bed on Sunday night and Becky agrees. Becky suggested going to the gym on Saturday morning, leaving Becky’s twin 12-year-old twins in charge of their two younger sisters for two hours, which would help them both work on their fitness goals.
5 Secrets to a Happy Second Marriage
- Build Trust Over Time: It takes time to build trust in a new spouse after you’ve been divorced, so it’s important to be patient with one another and build trust every day by being there for your partner and being reliable and supportive.
- Have Realistic Expectations: Successful remarried couples accept that there are inevitable ups and downs in remarried life and they adopt realistic expectations. There is no such thing as a “Soulmate” so work on accepting you partner’s flaws. After all, we all have them.
- Show Your Partner Small Gestures of Affection: Love is a wonderful feeling, but you have to make a conscious decision to love your partner every day through actions – such as small gestures and displays of love and affection. In order for a complicated remarriage to thrive, it must be nurtured. For example, give your partner a neck massage or make him or her a nice meal.
- Practice Good Communication Skills: Rather than blame each other when something goes wrong, try listening to your partner’s side of the story. Turn towards each other (use good eye contact) and turn off your phones and other electronic devices when you’re sharing something of importance. Pause and examine what part you played when you have a miscommunication.
- Learn to Repair Disputes Quickly: You can do this by saying how you feel, why you feel this way, and stating one thing you’d like to see change. Be sure not to throw in the kitchen sink when you have conflict, and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Most of all, remind yourself of what attracted you to your partner and tell them something that you appreciate about them every day. This will boost your love and affection and help your remarriage to thrive. If you need more help that this post offers, visit my website for more suggestions.
Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In