Since my divorce, I’ve learned a lot of lessons about marriage. I firmly believe that it is essential to examine your part in your marriage problems or divorce in order to be successful in subsequent relationships. If you don’t take the time to do this, you’ll be at risk for repeating negative patterns. In other words, making the effort to reflect on your mistakes (we all have flaws) will pay off in future relationships and make your divorce a positive learning experience.
Trust and vulnerability are essential aspects of achieving intimacy in intimate relationships. One of the main lessons I’ve learned from my divorce is that by being vulnerable, you can achieve a level of emotional safety with your new partner. It is the primary way to enhance your bond with him or her. Thus, you will be able to re-establish a secure emotional attachment and preserve intimacy between you and your partner and less likely to repeat past patterns.
According to, Dr. Brené Brown, disengagement is the most dangerous factor that erodes trust in a relationship. The only way to avoid this is to risk being vulnerable with a partner by asking for help, standing up for oneself, sharing unpopular opinions, and having faith in oneself and a partner. The ultimate risk is being willing to fall in love – which requires letting go of control and fear of being hurt or abandoned.
So here it goes, my list of the 8 most important lessons I’ve learned about marriage:
- Be vulnerable. We all carry leftover emotional baggage from the past and this may make it a challenge to admit that we feel hurt or have a “raw spot” or wound that is triggered by our partner’s behavior or comments. However, we are not in a relationship to be emotionally safe. Opening up to your partner can make you feel vulnerable and exposed but it is the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship. If you can’t be vulnerable with your partner, this is a red flag so pay attention!
- Your partner is not going to change. In other words, you can’t change a cat into a dog. Love just isn’t enough to change a person’s basic nature and upbringing. If you fall in love with someone who is reserved and you are more outgoing and need outward signs of affection to feel secure, you’ll feel chronically dissatisfied. Most likely, these differences will probably eat away at loving feelings over time and erode positive feelings in your relationship.
- Focus on improving your own life rather than merging with your partners. If you give up too much of your own interests or ideas, you will end up feeling resentful. Resentment builds over time if couples sacrifice too much for the relationship or aren’t able to talk about hurt feelings that arise from unresolved grievances.
- Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you but it will allow you to move on. Try to remember you are on the same team. Accept that people do the best they can and try to be more understanding. This doesn’t mean that you accept your partner’s hurtful actions. You simply come to a more realistic view and give them less power over you. If your relationship is basically healthy, develop a mindset of acceptance and forgiveness about daily disappointments. After all, none of us is perfect. Don’t let it impact you greatly and you try to let go of small annoyances.
- Communicate honestly about important issues in your relationship. Be sure to be forthcoming about your concerns. Express thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respectful way. Resentment can build when couples sweep things under the rug, so be vulnerable and don’t bury negative feelings. Don’t allow wounds to fester. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about holding onto hurt feelings. When we listen to our partner’s side of the story and process it briefly with them, we no longer need to hold onto hurt feelings.
- Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or dispute and learn to compromise. One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. ’s Julie and John Gottman write: “one person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.” Apologize to your partner when appropriate and this will validate their feelings and promote forgiveness – allowing you both to move on. Saying you’re sorry can heal a wound even when you didn’t hurt your partner’s feelings intentionally. Resentment builds over time if couples aren’t able to talk about hurt feelings that arise from unresolved grievances.
- Learn to trust yourself and your partner. Trust is a skill that develops over time when you are in an intimate relationship with someone who is trustworthy.
- Accept your differences with your partner and try to understand rather than criticize your partner. In his 40 years of research, Gottman showed that happy couples have a 5:1 ratio of interactions during conflict – meaning for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.
Truth be told, when you focus on what you need to feel connected with your partner, he or she will become less defensive and your relationship will improve. You will be able to turn things around and get back on track during an argument faster when you stop trying to prove a point or play the blame game.
In sum, instead of focusing on your partner’s flaws and looking to blame him or her, try spending your energy fostering a deeper connection. Stop assuming the worst of your partner and put an end to demanding your partner change.
Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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