What are some of the aspects of being a stepfather that make it a rewarding experience? In an effort to find out more, I conducted in-depth interviews of two stepfathers about their take on taking on this role and will share a several of their insights with you.
In my effort to celebrate stepfathers this Father’s Day, I will highlight two stepfathers, Leonard and Harold. They are devoted to their wives and stepchildren in spite of many struggles through the years of living in a stepfamily.
One stepfather, Leonard, 54, was eager to talk about the challenges and delights of marrying his wife Jean, 53, who had a three-year old son, Dean, from her first marriage when they met. Leonard and Jean have been married twenty-two years and raised Dean with two younger “ours” siblings, Alexis and Owen. As Leonard talked about his role in Dean’s life, he stressed that he knew he had it easy because Dean only saw his real father about once a year so he didn’t have to compete with him.
One situation that can be tricky for stepparents is how to deal with your partner’s ex-spouse, especially when it comes to raising stepchildren. Harold, age 60, often felt insecure and jealous throughout his nineteen-year marriage to Teresa, 61. There were many occasions when Harold felt like an “outsider” and his stepsons’ father was unfriendly or difficult to get along with. Since they lived in the same community and co-parented for over ten years, there were plenty of opportunities for conflict. Harold often felt that his older stepson, Sean, 22, experienced loyalty conflicts because he was close to his own father and bonding with Harold made him feel that he was being disloyal to him.
For instance, when Teresa experienced the sudden death of her mother at age fifty-two, Harold looked to Sean, then a teenager, to help them out with chores since he lived at their house three to four days a week. However, these requests were often met with refusal and comments like “I only visit your house and do chores at my dad’s, this is your house, not mine.” Fortunately, Teresa overcame her grief about her mother’s death after awhile and began to help with chores again. After Sean went to college, he matured and began to come home and spend some weekends with all of his family members, even Harold. Lately, they enjoy watching sports together, and discussing politics.
The “Insider” and “Outsider”
Many of the stepparents I interviewed for my book, The Remarriage Manual ,described themselves as being an “outsider” in their family. This is because the stepfamily formation often puts parents and stepparents on opposite ends of a continuum when it comes to separateness and closeness. For instance, every time a stepchild enters a room or a conversation, parents might consider themselves as “insiders” and stepparents as “outsiders.” This happens naturally because children typically gravitate to the parent they are most comfortable with, an insider when seeking support or nurturance. It’s all normal for stepparents to feel that they’re left out or overlooked at times. This literally leaves them feeling like an “outsider” in their own family.
These feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or isolation about not being included in your spouse’s relationship with their biological children can be devastating if they’re not acknowledged and worked through. These unresolved feelings can cause stepparents to feel dissatisfied with their role and less tolerant of their stepchildren’s rude, ambivalent, or distant behavior. Even Leonard, who has been happily married to Jean for over twenty years, and raised three children with her, described his feelings of being an “outsider” as intense and troubling at times.
For instance, one day Dean, Leonard’s stepson, came running in the door after a basketball game at his middle school, complaining of not preforming well, and since Leonard was a former athlete in school, he was eager to share some tips. He quickly ran past him searching for his mother, and overlooked Leonard completely. At the time, Leonard felt hurt but stayed silent. Unfortunately, when it happened again two weeks later when Dean needed help with science homework (something Leonard is good at as an engineer), he couldn’t be as resilient and he shouted “Why doesn’t anyone in this house notice that I’m good at math and science.” To this comment, Dean reassured Leonard that he would seek him out the next time he was struggling with these subjects.
4 Ways to Overcome the “Insider” and “Outsider” Challenges in Your Stepfamily:
- Parents and stepparents must share their feelings about being an insider and outsider and seek solace and/or support. These negative emotions won’t dissipate on their own if they’re not dealt with. Having an open conversation about your feelings with your spouse can help you cope and get emotional support
- Stay calm and avoid taking your stepchild’s actions personally. It’s important for stepfathers to view their stepchild’s behavior as normal and not pathological. It’s common for outsiders to feel left out and for insiders to feel torn between the people they love and anxious about meeting their different needs.
- Make lots of one-on-one time with family members. One stepfather, Cliff, tries his best to schedule time with his two stepdaughters and biological daughter at least twice a month. He and his wife, Tiffany, carve out one night each month for a date night.
- Stepcouples need to establish routines in their family life that can enrich all of their relationships, such as story time with young children, or pizza and movie night with school age children and teenagers. Look for family activities that remarried couples can enjoy and mentor their children and stepchildren in such as teaching them to play chess, board games, and enjoy bike riding.
While the suggestions above may not work all of the time, they are bound to improve stepfamily relationships over time. It’s a good idea to remember that there’s no such thing as instant love between a stepparent and stepchild. It takes time to bond around around mutual interests and respect.
Hopefully, both stepfathers and biological parents can learn to collaborate this Father’s Day and many more days to come. Children usually have enough love and affection for many family members. They can benefit from adults who put them first and take pride in being a new kind of family based on mutual regard and cooperation.
Follow Terry Gaspard on X Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.
Terry’s forthcoming book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
*Some of the content in this blog was extracted from my book The Remarriage Manual and the interviews I conducted for this book.
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