As divorce rates among adults over 50 continue to climb, many adult children of long-time married parents may have difficulty dealing with feelings of bewilderment and loss – with few places to turn for advice and support. The media tends to neglect adult children of divorce and focus more on the impact of divorce on children.
In fact, adult children of divorced parents (ACODS) tend to be the forgotten ones because common wisdom tells us they won’t be as impacted as children by their parents’ divorce. However, ACODS may find themselves in plenty of tricky situations that younger children are spared, such as hearing about their parents dating life.
Some ACODS may feel devastated when they hear the news of their parents’ breakup and wonder why they stayed unhappily married for so many years. Kara, an articulate twenty-eight year old says, “I wish my parents would have divorced earlier because they were miserable but my dad is very lonely and not interested in dating since my mom moved out.”
Even if they are in favor of their parents’ breakup because of chronic unhappiness or abuse, adult kids may be blindsided and grieve the loss of their intact family. During a counseling session, Jenna says “My parents were never happy so their divorce wasn’t a big shock but it was sad to spend holidays in two homes after they split and my mom needed more emotional support.”
In spite of the fact that the so-called “grey divorce” rate more than doubled between 1990 and 2008, there are few guidelines for adult children dealing with their changing family. Many ACODS experience loyalty conflicts because they feel that they have to pick sides. Even if they don’t take sides, they may feel stressed trying to maintain appropriate boundaries – especially if their parents are angry foes.
Another common concern voiced by ACODS is role reversal. They might feel burdened by being their parent’s confidant and feel uncomfortable if they are given too many details about their parents’ feelings about their other parent.
Let’s look at Jenna, whose parents divorced when she was twenty-six years old, getting ready to launch into a career in marketing. She says, “I don’t feel it’s okay to talk about my feelings because my mom is having such a hard time but I feel anxious about her future since my dad left.”
Here are 5 ways for adult children to deal with their parents separating or divorcing:
- Maintain healthy boundaries. If one or both of your parents is sharing too much personal information or relying too much on you for support they need to know how you feel. Or, if one parent badmouths the other one, you need to tell them to stop.
- Resist being in the middle between your parents. You can be sympathetic if one or both parents ask you to settle a dispute or expects you to be their counselor or mediator. But saying something like “I’m sorry you’re hurting but I need to stay out of this,” will hopefully communicate the message you desire.
- Express your feelings calmly and clearly. Daughters in particular may find themselves feeling emotionally upset by the news of their parents’ split. According to Louann Brizendine M.D., women value emotional expression more than men do and their memory is better for emotional memories due to their amygdala being more activated by emotional nuance.
- Attempt to maintain a close relationship with both of your parents. Enjoy pleasurable activities together and during those times you might say “Let’s not talk about the divorce right now.”
- Stop comparing your romantic relationships with your parents.’ Attempt to see yourself as capable of learning from the past, rather than repeating it.
The good news is that experiencing your parents’ divorce can make you more careful about whom you choose as a partner as an adult. This can emerge as your signature strength. You understand the fragility of love, yet maintain a healthy respect for commitment in your own life.
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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