Approximately 1 in 5 Americans suffer from some form of anxiety disorder. Statistically, women are more likely to suffer from anxiety than men. The internet is full of advice and articles for how to cope with anxiety, but not as much is written about how to aid the partners of anxious people.
Being in a relationship with someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder can be exhausting. If you are the partner of an anxious person, you know that reassuring your significant other with words such as “everything will be okay” is fruitless. You may find yourself frustrated and challenged by your partner’s inability to resolve her anxiety. As a result, you may find your relationship becomes stressed and your own life becomes restricted by your partner’s struggles.
If you’re reading this article because you want to help your partner, and you want your relationship to improve, you are already on the road to success. An interest and willingness to support your partner and find tools for recovery are essential to sustaining your relationship. If your partner’s anxiety has begun to affect his everyday life, a combination of therapy and medication may help. Keep in mind that even if your spouse has not sought treatment, these strategies will still help you.
- Practice empathy. Empathy is a powerful antidote to most shameful emotions. Even if you don’t suffer from anxiety yourself, you’ve undoubtedly experienced other uncomfortable and difficult feelings. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and share in her struggles. Let her or him know you understand and can imagine the distress she feels.
- Develop better communication skills. Improve your listening skills and try not to make assumptions about why your partner feels a certain way. If he is experiencing a flood of anxiety, ask her or him questions about why they feel the way he does. Do your best not to make judgments.
- Be direct and set boundaries. Make specific requests. For instance, your anxious spouse may call you frequently while you are work to get reassurance. When this behavior becomes disruptive you can ask her to stop calling you at work, or to wait for you to return her calls. Although it may be hard to set these boundaries at first, you will actually find it makes it easier for her to manage her anxiety and learn how to self soothe.
- Don’t enable the anxiety. When your significant other is anxious, your instinct is probably to do whatever you can to reassure your partner. For instance, Susan’s husband Mark suffers from obsessive compulsive tendencies. He checks to make sure the stove is off at least five times before leaving the house. After leaving the house, he will frequently ask to turn around to check the stove again. Susan learned a new strategy, telling her husband: “Mark, I watched you check the stove and I am certain it is turned off. We will not be turning around and disrupting our afternoon. I love you and we will get through this.”
Although all of these strategies are important, deciding not to enable the anxiety might be the most crucial. Practicing empathy and improving your listening skills alone will not go far enough to help. But choosing to set boundaries and re-directing your partner away from anxiety helps immeasurably. In Susan’s example, if she agreed to turn around and allow Mark to check the stove again, she would end up perpetuating his anxiety. She may think she is helping him, because once he sees the stove is off he will feel better. But the goal is to get Mark to not check the stove at all. Only by confronting his compulsions and not giving into them will they improve.
Lastly, if you find that being in a relationship with someone who has an anxiety disorder is taking a toll on your own mental health, be sure to seek support. You do not need to be alone in your struggle.
Do you have experience being in a relationship with someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder? What coping skills have helped you the most? Please share in the comments below.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.
Terry’s forthcoming book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, will be published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
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