Recently, I asked a client this question: “What is it that stops you from getting what you want out of a relationship?” Her answer was: “It’s too hard to go through a breakup and to be alone.” My response went something like this: “Maybe it’s time to examine your fears and the ways you might be self-sabotaging.” I find that many people aren’t always aware that they may be excessively dependent on their partner to feel good about themselves. So... Read more
As my two daughters grow into adulthood this Mother’s Day, it seems like a good time to reflect upon the lessons that they’ve taught me. Being a mom for me has always been an honor, a gift – something to feel proud of! However, no one prepared me for how much my relationship with my daughters would be altered as they grew older. In a nutshell, misunderstandings that need to be resolved, lots of love and affection, and plenty of... Read more
Children of divorce deserve to be loved and protected from parental conflict and should never be made to feel that they are in the middle of two angry parents. When children are not protected, they might develop loyalty conflicts and experience anxiety. There are plenty of things parents can do to protect their children from the damaging impact of long-term conflict during and after divorce. When parents argue excessively and for too long, it can leave children feeling insecure and... Read more
I hear over and over from women who email or meet with me: “Why can’t I allow myself to be intimate with my partner?” Or: “How come I feel like running every time he seems to take our relationship to the next level.” For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel they are needed and appreciated for support they give. If they have been let down in the past, the prospect... Read more
Dear Terry, My wife and I have heated arguments in front of our kids at least once a week. It makes it very hard to feel loving and I’m worried that our two boys will think that this is the way to communicate. Do you have any tips to help us to get back on track after a fight so we don’t harbor angry feelings and/or hold a grudge? Thank you, Devin Dear Devin, Thanks for writing to me for... Read more
Can taking a break save your marriage? The answer depends on your goals. For some couples, it makes sense to take a break if they use the time to honestly evaluate the relationship. If a couple assesses their commitment and decides that their marriage is worth saving, a cooling off period can be an effective way to give each other some much needed breathing space. Keep in mind, it’s highly beneficial for couples to have a timetable for the... Read more
Dear Terry, I read you column regularly and wonder if you have any advice for a single parent who wants to date again after being divorced for about a year. My two kids are ten and twelve (boy and a girl) and they are doing pretty well but I don’t want to upset them by introducing them to a new partner right away. I tried dating right after my divorce and it they didn’t react too well. He was a... Read more
How can couples avoid the pitfalls that prevent the success of a second marriage? The key ingredients to a successful remarriage are selecting a partner who is a good match for you and both partners willingness to work through the inevitable hard times of marriage. With courage and persistence, you can defy the statistics that say your second marriage is doomed to fail and enjoy long-lasting love. It’s normal to feel disillusioned about marriage if you’ve endured a divorce and... Read more
Dear Terry, I have difficulty asking my husband Tom for what I need because I fear that if I’m too needy, he’ll get tired of my demands and leave me. You see, I have abandonment issues because my dad left my family when I was seven and I only saw him a few times after that. Then my first husband, Greg, was very unavailable and it caused me to be very anxious and worried about being left. Some of the... Read more
Unfortunately, many of us marry without obtaining critical information about our partners. For instance, we may not know that our father-in-law is a substance abuser or that our mother-in-law has a family history of mental illness. Sadly, we may put our faith in someone who we fall in love with blindly and fail to ask some of these crucial questions. 5 questions to ask potential marital partners: 1. Who are their parents? Include questions about marital history, mental illness and... Read more
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