Satire day: What the NY Times meant to say:

On Sunday, May 18, an editorial critical of George W. Bush and his increasingly aggressive negativism was published in the NY Times. What follows is that editorial in its first draft.

After nearly 8 years of what we now admit was sometimes over-the-top vilification of the man, we need to take a step back this morning, and declare a truth to the American public and most of the world: George W. Bush is not a bad man.

We have rightly decried his policies; every move he has made, from not simply conceding to Al Gore in 2000 and forcing us and our consortium of papers to endure a grueling recount and analysis that gave him a paltry “victory” by hundreds of votes, to his misbegotten stab at what he probably believes is real diplomacy last week in Israel and Egypt, time and time again, has been the wrong move.

That said, Bush is not even the Imperialist we have been declaring him all these years. That was our mistake; we used and encouraged the use of that word, but incorrectly. Under Bush there have been few, if any, “flip of the wrist, law of the land” Executive Orders, which we became so used to under his predecessor, President Clinton, who – while probably a worse man than we knew – was, at his core, a smart president and politician.

But, over the last few days, George Bush has stupidly made comments about appeasement which, upon reflection, now seem to have been meant for France; thanks to his legendary thick tongue and inarticulate manner, we in the press – and the whole Democrat party – understood his speech to be a criticism of both the party and of our dear leader primary leader Barack Obama. This has resulted in a confounding circumstance in which both the Democrats and Obama have taken upon themselves the “appeasement” label. This sly trickery, probably orchestrated by Karl Rove, which resulted in crystal jawed sensitive Obama hitting the mat on a whizzing jab meant for others needing to defend his matchless instincts for diplomacy, would never have happened, had Bush simply been more clear about France. The press does not like carrying water for politicians – we take pride in our commitment to the truth – but because Bush made both Obama and the Democrats look bad in the eyes of a people not ready for groveling appeasement the growing cry for peace – we deemed it necessary to provide some protection perspective.

Bush – an oil man – has also been blaming Democrats for high fuel costs (gas prices have scandalously risen from $2.25 a gallon to $4.00 per gallon since the Glorious Republican Thumpin’ Democratic victores of 2006) and he is exposing alleging that Democrats have disallowed drilling and refinery-building and the development of oil shale that would so pollute our environment, obscure our pristine water-views and induce hurricanes and other side-effects of manmade global warming climate change, which is a matter so vastly urgent it must involve sacrifice by all of us – even artists, to save the planet.

Misspeaking on appeasement; blaming Democrats while on foreign soil, and daring to lecture the Middle East on human rights. Who cares if he got the Saud’s to increase their output by 300,000 barrels a day when every move he makes causes further division, devastation and destruction to the world?

Bush has lately been making the case for the Republican party and for conservative values; since no one else in GOP has joined him in his efforts, (not even John McCain or Fred Thompson or Mitt Romney are saying what he is saying) perhaps the president can be made to realize that his values do not resonate with anyone in the country. America has moved past conservatism; it would be best if Bush would – like his partymembers – simply shut up, shut up, shut up quietly back off. It would be a singularly disastrous thing if Americans were once more lulled into ideas of “morning” and “potential” and American exceptionalism and “greatness” when the final next elections are so close.

George Bush has allowed the nation to become mired in a not-quite recession disastrous economy that bears no resemblance at all to the dreary unemployment and double-digit inflation mild setbacks of President Jimmy Carter. He has stuck us in a ground war when no-fly zones and embargo of Iraq (of which we did disapprove, but it was better than war) and multiple UN declarations were working; there was food for oil, supervised and managed by the United Nations, and eventually diplomacy with Iraq would have ended the rape rooms and adventures-in-wood human-chipping of which some accused Saddam. There was kite-flying instead of fire-throwing in Iraq before George Bush.

George Bush is not a bad man, but he is a stupid, hapless man. Aside from destroying the career of Britain’s Tony Blair – who boldly declared that Al Aqaeda would have killed 30,000 on 9/11, if they could have could have been an enduring testament to the Third Way – by luring him into a war based on worldwide faulty intelligence, he ignored Congress’ shaky approval disapproval on the war; in his foolhardy endeavor in Iraq, Bush has hugely offended Al Qaeda, who were barely a blip on the American radar until 9/11/01, and who likely would have – given their history throughout the 1990’s – simply gone back to mounting the sort of annoyance attacks against us, our holdings and our interests and warships that, as Sen. John Kerry so astutely advised us in 2004, would have been so much easier to bear. History, after all, predicts the future. 9/11 was an aberration; there have been no further attacks on American soil since that day, and – truly – it has perhaps been a very good thing for America, in the wake of that one attack, to learn both humility and introspection.

That humility was beautifully articulated by President-for-life, peace be upon him Senator Barack Obama just this weekend when he said,

“We can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times … and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK.”

With such a visionary as President-for-life, peace-be-upon-him Senator Obama able to conjure up solutions – almost like magic (yes, we can”!) – that shine upon us like irresistible golden rays from god wisdom from on high, we see the future bearing down upon us like a steamroller of intra-governmental love, a future of voluntary third-worldism third-wayism for the common people of America and the rest of the Western world she has for too long led in a feast of materialism and degradation! So that all might live in squatpot squalor solidarity with their struggling brothers and sisters in the rest of the world!

Bush has too long tried to sell his rosy-glassed view that American-style Democracy can (and even should) be exported to nations who never wanted it. As we see here in our own country, Democracy is an experiment that at its core is too closely related to a capitalist ideal that mires the people in soul-killing materialism and comfort; it encourages markets and private wealth, and residential ownership, which in turn encourages gun-ownership. Having “things” only causes us to want to protect what we deem to be “ours” and only “ours.” Barack Obama (pbuh) knows what the rest of us understood in our sandboxes, but have forgotten: it is better if everyone has exactly the same of everything at all times, regardless of whether they’ve earned it or even wanted it. On the coasts, of course, we will still require our air conditioners in summer and our heaters in winter – those ocean breezes can be so unreliable – and we’ll need our SUV’s to pull the horses to Southampton, but in every other way, the comrades citizens on the coasts will be right there with those “middle states” like Kentucky and Illinois, and all 57 states.

Given the great opportunity of Obama – opportunity so urgent and pressing it can barely be contained until November – we respectfully suggest that President Bush – yes, we will call him President, this one time – surrender resign his office and leave the White House; dispatch all of his cabinet and staff, and every member of his misbegotten administration. His final act as president should be one of those Executive Orders he has been so reluctant to use. Let it declare his war in Iraq surrendered won and bring home our mercenary cold-blooded killers our beloved troops, let it rescind his record-high tax receipts tax-cuts-for the-rich. Let it release all of our emergency oil reserves! Let it disband Halliburton and pardon Mumia! Let it close all military recruitment centers and give security maintenance – both foreign and domestic – into the keeping of the CIA!

Finally, since Bush has talked endlessly and ad nauseam about “liberty” throughout his presidency, let this Executive Order be the order that liberates America from the oppression of scorched-earth and money-grubbing politics: let it disband Congress and free the people from the lies of career politicians! Let it recognize the UN as our benevolent and sovereign body of wisdom and diplomacy. Let it decriminalize marijuana, codify abortion-rights specifically into the constitution and federalize immediate recognition of gay marriage and polygamy – because consenting adults should not have to answer to the government for anything. Let this Executive Order create 7 more states, strip the churches of their tax-free statuses, declare an end to wasteful spending on space exploration, medical research or infrastructure and offer immediate socialized medicine and citizenship to all comers! Let it repeal the No Child Left Behind Act in place of progressive education ideas! Let it place a daisy in every AK-47 and rose petals in all of our genitalia!

Just surrender resign, President Bush, and undo-by-fiat all the damage you have wrought over the last 7 years, with your every action, and we will even tell the International Criminal Court to stop building its case on you (but not the one against Cheney) and allow you to retire to your hick peaceful ranch in peace, at half-pension. Peace and Love, Chimpy. Over and out.

More Satire: Doug Ross has the Clintons and a pesky phone-caller.