Book Review: “Can We Be Friends?” by Rebecca Frech

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I originally read Rebecca Frech’s newest book, “Can We Be Friends?” this past May. I reread it this past week in preparation for this review, and it was just as good the second time around!

This book is basically a handbook about friends and friendship for shy, socially awkward introverts (although I think extroverts can get a lot out of it, too!). Frech discusses the purpose and importance of friendship, different types of friends, and how to foster and facilitate good friendships.

I loved Chapter 13, “In Praise of Virtual Friends,” because while I have a few “real life” friends,  I’d say the bulk of my friends are people I’ve met online — and even though I’ve never met those friends “in person,” their friendships are just as real and valuable to me. I will never forget using the Internet for the first time around age 14 (yes, I’m old, now get off my lawn) and realizing, with shocked delight, that I was not the only teenager in the world who loved Star Trek. As Frech notes in Chapter 1 with this fabulous C.S. Lewis quote:

I eventually formed an online Star Trek fan club, comprised of then-teenage girls like myself, and those friendships have lasted through the years. Several members attended my wedding 17 years ago, and we’re also in the planning stages for a reunion next summer.

Chapter 19, “Saying Goodbye,” was also very helpful. Frech discusses how to cut off a friendship that may be unhealthy or toxic (and she describes various types of unhealthy friendships to help you evaluate if you might be involved in one). She makes an important point when she says,

Depending on the depth of the relationship, it can be as serious a loss in your life as a divorce or a death. That’s because our friendships give us a feeling of being valued, important, and understood. They root us within a community and provide us with a safety net. The closest of friends can be closer to us than our relatives. For many of us, they become a family that we have chosen for ourselves. So why isn’t the loss of friendship treated like the big deal that it is? And why are so many of us flat-footed when it comes to finding closure?

It’s so true that that the loss of a friendship can be very painful, and it’s a pain that’s not often acknowledged — especially if the person in question is “just” an online friend. Personally, I’ve lost more than a few friends due to my beliefs as a faithful Catholic, especially when I share what I believe about abortion or same-sex marriage. I’ve also lost friends because I refused to support Donald Trump. It really hurt. I have told myself to just get over it because they weren’t “real” friends anyway, but I think I did myself a disservice to try and minimize or dismiss the pain I felt when I lost those friendships. Frech gave me a lot to think about, especially regarding attempting to reach out to my former friends in an attempt to repair those friendships.

You can buy Frech’s book through Amazon or at Our Sunday Visitor. I highly recommend it!

Stay tuned for my review of Haley Stewart’s new book, The Grace of Enough: Pursuing Less and Living More in a Throwaway Culture. My copy is due to arrive on Wednesday!