‘Tis the Season: 5 Approaches to Religion & Politics During the Holidays

There are quite a few of us who are no doubt wringing our hands and preparing for tense times around the dinner table as this holiday season approaches. “Do I speak up when I’m surrounded by people who enthusiastically voted differently than I did?” “What happens if Grandma tells my kids that God is going to punish them for eternity if they don’t accept Jesus into their hearts?” “How do I express my empathy and compassion toward black and brown bodies to my great aunt who insists that racial equality has already happened and everyone needs to stop whining about it?” The struggle is all too real.

Before I dive in to the 5 approaches, let me give a disclaimer – I am a white, heterosexual female from a middle/upper-middle-class family. In many ways, I hold a place of great privilege compared to others. And my perspective is the only one from which I can speak and write. Thus, I realize that some of these may not be legitimate options for some POC or LGBTQ folk.

1. Set Boundaries. Self-care and care for your children and family need to be the #1 priority. If that means you walk into grandma’s house and literally announce “FYI we will not be taking part in conversations about religion and politics. Please don’t ask us to” by all means – do it. While these tough conversations need to be had, they don’t have to be so to your own detriment.
2. Ask questions & share stories. This strategy has proven, for me, to be relatively effective, though you have to remain highly alert and present in the moment. It’s easy for these conversations to immediately trigger the part of your brain called the amygdala – the fear/anger center. Go with me here – this is actually an important cognitive issue. When your amygdala is triggered, it sucks all your cognitive energies into itself and the other parts of your brain responsible for reason and creativity are shut down. Truly – they can’t be accessed. And guess what CAN’T happen if you can’t access the other parts of your brain….productive, rational conversation. Science Mike calls the amygdala the “hot spot” – your brain can literally overheat from too much action in the amygdala. This is why #1 is important. But also – you can deactivate OTHER’S amygdalae through story (yes, for real) and by asking questions. When I come across someone who is adamant about an opposing position, I start trying to break down their assessment by asking questions about it that cause them to pause and actually use other parts of their brain to process information (rather than jumping straight to the hot spot and shutting down creative reasoning). Sometimes, if questions don’t work, you can share a personal anecdote or a story you’ve heard about someone else’s experience – human to human. No one can argue with your experience. They can try, but they’ll get nowhere.
3. Disrupt. Some situations might call for a forceful disruption. While this is SO, SO counter to my personality (Enneagram 9, ISFJ), I realize that sometimes peaceful attempts at discussions of oppression and toxic religion have to be abandoned. Sometimes – you need to “blow shit up.” Disruptions can be highly effective for changing the dynamics of a space. Truly. It’s often what is needed – rage and anger are OKAY. You hear me? They’re okay. And it’s okay to express them. Many of us find ourselves quite literally SURROUNDED during the holidays with people who think differently than us. Like – you might be the only one in the room and therefore you may find yourself staying very quiet most of the time. But you shouldn’t have to. So use your voice boldly if needed, especially if someone else in the room is being harmed by the rhetoric and ideas being thrown around.
4. Talk to your kids. This may sound obvious but it needs to be included in this list. Talk to your kids before, during, and after your holiday time spent with family and friends. Even when you’re not talking directly to them (but rather talking to your family), do not, under any circumstances, demonstrate a dehumanizing stance toward anyone. Again – this may be SO hard for so many. But our children are listening intently to all that is being said. Remember to always demonstrate empathy and love in your passionate fight for healthy spirituality and justice for all. Also remember this – children under the age of 5 get their perception of God from their parents. In other words, how you treat them and others is directly transferred to their understanding of how God works in the world. You are the ultimate image of God to your children. That means that no matter what Grandpa says about God, they’re going to look to YOU for the final answer. But talk to them about what to expect and how to respond in love, talk to them about what they hear and how it makes them feel. Don’t shut down spiritual inquiry – help them become well-rounded humans by encouraging their questions and thoughts.
5. Multi-generational dialogue. While this isn’t always appropriate, it’s important to leave space for adults and children to talk about their lived experience. Maybe it’s idealistic, but I know that kids desire to feel validated and seen as full humans. So for your children to have the ability to share with their adult relatives how the current political and social climate makes them feel, how they’ve experienced it, and the effect it’s had on their friends at school or at church can be a healing balm for everyone in the room. Children carry an inherent magical ability to disarm adults in the midst of political or religious ranting. Encourage your kids to share stories of them and their friends when speaking with a relative who has strong feelings one way or the other. Remind the adults in the room that children are listening, watching, and having very real experiences during all of this.

This, of course, doesn’t even begin to cover all the bases. What are your thoughts? How are you planning to enter in to this holiday season with your family?