Witchin’ in the Kitchen: Satan’s Favorite Chicken Crack Dip Recipe

Witchin’ in the Kitchen: Satan’s Favorite Chicken Crack Dip Recipe March 20, 2017

I am breaking my own ethical vows to harm none by posting this Chicken “crack” dip recipe. Like a snack-dealer hovering in the shadows at the edge of a playground, tempting you with this creamy, spicy carnal bliss on a cracker….come closer my pretties….the first taste is free…

If you have even one iota of self-respect you will avert your eyes, click away to peruse some other recipe that is more wholesome and nutritious.

No? You naughty monkey!

Gods forgive me for what I’m about to do…

Monstrous Muncher Detail from Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights
Monstrous Muncher Detail from Bosch’s Garden of Earthly Delights

Satan’s Favorite “Chicken Crack” Dip (1)

Ingredients for 1 Unit of Snack Evil

  • 13 ounce can of chunk chicken, drained.
  • 8 ounce package of cream cheese (full fat), softened to room temperature
  • 4 ounces (1/2 cup) of “Hidden Valley” Ranch Dressing (full fat and NOT the organic kind. Trust me.)
  • 2 ounces (1/4 cup) of “Texas Pete” hot sauce–I don’t know that any other brand will do. This hot sauce even lies about it’s origins, as “Texas” Pete is actually made in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
  • Baby Carrots, Celery Sticks, or Wheat Crackers for dipping.


In a bowl, use a fork to mash together the chicken and the cream cheese, then mix in the ranch and hot sauce until well-blended. If you are making more than 2 units at a time, its easier to pull out the electric hand-mixer. No cooking required; I prefer to serve it immediately at room temperature.

Ingredients for enough "Chicken Crack" to feed 100 people, but only until 9:30... ~Heron Michelle
Ingredients for enough “Chicken Crack” to feed 100 people, but only until 9:30… ~Heron Michelle

Serving Suggestions:

Because decent people tend to stare when I scoop it up with my fingers and shove it wantonly into my hungry maw…and they get downright judg-ey when I stick my head in the bowl and lap it up like a dog, I recommend dipping civilized bites with baby carrots, celery sticks or a good, sturdy wheat cracker. This way we can make a case for how we are also eating “vegetables.” This argument will no doubt be met with the incredulous raised eyebrow of smart people who can see straight through our self-delusion.


Never–and I do hope you’ll trust me on this–try to make a healthy version of this dip. I did that once with roasted organic, free range chicken, homemade organic ranch dressing and fat-free cream cheese on a gluten-free cracker… and it was so disgusting that we threw it straight into the trash. Just accept that your vegan friends will be deeply disappointed by your obvious lack of self-preservation instincts and will glare at you with not-so-silent condescension. Haters.

He who is without snack-sin, cast the first carrot.

Clearly, this is Satan’s favorite snack, and we accept our complicity in its evils.  Chicken Crack Dip is junkity, high fat, loaded with MSG and who knows what other godsawful preservatives.

Chicken Crack is also  abso-freaking-lutely delicious! This is a gateway dip, that when served at your next party, will elicit comments such as: 

“I don’t know what was in that bowl, but I’m about to pick it up and lick it clean, (2)”

and, “How much crack cocaine will I need to make this recipe? (3)” 

Chicken Crack Dip with Carrots, Celery and Crackers ~ Heron Michelle
Chicken Crack Dip with Carrots, Celery and Crackers ~ Heron Michelle

A Note on Crack Units

One recipe-worth of this will never be enough. I make two units for casual household snacking. In all my years, no other recipe has been more requested, nor its presence at parties more heavily demanded. I do feel come cognitive dissonance with each culinary indoctrinations.

I serve it at our annual Witches’ Costumed Ball, and every year it is gone by about 9:30. That is when people get ugly–elbows have been thrown–so I keep upping the quantity to try and slake their hungers. I’ve made as many as 16 units for a party of 100, and it still wasn’t enough—its a veritable food orgy around the bowl.

CC0 Public Domain ~ Pixabay
CC0 Public Domain ~ Pixabay


Pull out your moral compass and search your soul; answer the existential questions about the purpose of life on Earth. How are you willing to die to achieve carnal happiness?” Then, proceed at your own risk. By the powers vested in me by Aphrodite almighty, you are absolved. Now, do as you Will, and devour all it’s junkity happiness without shame (4).

Happy Eating!
~Heron Michelle

1) You may have previously heard this recipe referred to as Buffalo Chicken Dip, but I can assure you that no buffaloes were harmed in the making of this appetizer. Frankly, it would be a defamation to the fine city of Buffalo, NY, to be implicated further.

2) Things actually said to me at parties by the newly initiated members of the Chicken Crack Addicts Anonymous. (CCAA) Seek out a chapter near you for our 12 step program.

3) Disclaimer: There are NO ILLICIT substances in this recipe, but damned if you don’t keep craving it like some kind of junky after a single bite.

4) Occasionally, in moderation. Hell, go eat some granola and do yoga to make up for it tomorrow. Life is too precious to worry ourselves into an early grave over cream cheese.

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