God is a Grade-A loser who can’t control his brand. And so is Jesus, for that matter, a nobody who couldn’t keep his hair out of his eyes and whose apostles were a bunch of weirdos and lowlifes.
If that sounds like Donald Trump bloviating on the topic of faith, that’s because no less a comic light than Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion,
has produced 164 slick pages of Trump satire in his new book “Trump’s America: The Complete Loser’s Guide,” (Micro Publishing Media, Inc., $19.95).
Editor Dikkers and his writers nail the The Donald bombast on many topics, not least of which is religion: “If I were Jesus,” a writer named Sean Smith has him saying, “my apostles would be made up of people who were very big in their fields. The top scholars.”
And: “Put me in charge of the church and I could fix it in a week. Get the brightest people in there and throw the dummies out.”
Dikkers’ Trump: ‘How Much Was Jesus Worth?’
“Trump’s America” quotes Jesus as saying: “Love your neighbor.” To which Donald — who has spoken to much bigger crowds — replies: “I get along with everybody, not just my neighbors. Jesus was thinking small. ”
Also, “I’m worth over 8 billion dollars, how much was Jesus worth?”
Dikker’s book goes on to skewer the Republican Party’s presumptive presidential nominee on the environment (“hippie crap”), science (“If Einstein was so smart, why wasn’t he rich?”) and the world community (“un-American”). Things do get a little raunchy here and there in this book. But, if you are among the seven in ten Americans who perceive Donald Trump unfavorably (as a loser?) that’s a small price to pay for 164 pages of belly laughs.
The GOP’s presumptive nominee steps in it for real in “Which Way America? Compassion With Francis or Vitriol With Trump?” For some apolitical levity closer to home, go to “How Do You Play With a Barbie Doll?”