50/50 May 1, 2013

Tonight I watched the movie 50/50, about a man dealing with cancer. He finds out that the cancer has spread and they will operate on him in 48 hours.

So I thought, what if I was told that I had 48 hours (2 days) to live.  And it happened right now. First I would be glad that I knew, might sound weird but now I know. Now that I know, would the past even matter, or future, no not really.

Would I regret anything, maybe not giving NY a try but not that big of a deal. Wished my acting career went a little longer, but 14 years is pretty good. I have loved helping people, in all different ways, in crisis, bereavement support, in suffering, in prayer, in speaking, facilitating, I have loved being a Dad, loved it. Loved coaching, care giving, and loved watching my growth during my divorce. That was and continues to be my growing edge.

Divorce really taught me inner strength, forgiveness, love, loving myself in time of crisis, and who comes to your aid when you are in pain, it surprises you, people you’d never expect.  I have been blessed to be raised Catholic, left and went into Buddhism, Zen, left those and entered the Episcopal faith, then Lutheran, a weekend of Methodist, some Christian Science,  Religious Science, Unity, and finally just accepting of all them, they all have wonderful things and some okay things, and some bad things, like people, so for our purpose I will stick to seeing the good.

I ran a marathon, did lots of yoga, hiked, back packed Yosemite, camped, fished, actually over came my fear of the ocean on my honey moon and swam in the ocean still hoping Jaws was not in the water. Had a chance to date a variety of different women from all faiths, walks of life, and races.

Read lots of books, went to workshops, saw speakers, had a radio show and interviewed over 375 people from Archbishop Desmond Tutu to just having me fill the space because the guest canceled at the last minute.  Saw my daughter walk for the first time, cried when she told she loved me, laughed when she told me she loved me, cried when I decided to give up basketball, played soccer for lots of years, was introverted and then extroverted, was on stage, published a book, have been in front of the camera, directed, produced, led, been a leader, been lost several times, confused, doubted, screamed, and yelled, wondered if there was God, then find God, and then lost God, and then met God again, and gave up on God, and then…well you get the point.

Felt like I knew something, then it turned out I really didn’t know that much. What a relief. Controlled some early in my life and then realized that controlling things stinks. It stops your growth and stops others. Have felt scared many times, and felt fear, in fact went through many periods of anxiety and found meditation and that really helped out a lot.  Found out that making people laugh is a great skill to have, in particular when things are going south.

Have watched a birth, and seen death. Both are remarkable. I have felt love and giving love and also felt how cruel people can be to one another and ruthless.   I am rambling…so if you were going to ask me the top five things I could leave with you, that I learned, its this…

1. Life is love and love is learning all the ways we get in the way of it. So get out of the way. Now the latter is hard, so laugh lots.

2. When you die, you can’t take anything, so give it all away.

3. Forgive. People are  doing their best.  Truly. They are.  So are you so give yourself a break too.

4. Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad, so laugh.

5. Finally, drum roll please…admit…”You don’t really no anything, none of us do”…right when you think you do, you don’t so smile, laugh, and forgive….

So many people have goals, which is good, but life has different plans, so adjust, like you would on a sail boat. Be gentle and let the wind guide you and the sun warm you up.  And when the rain comes, because it will, dance in it and soak it up. Because it is cleaning out the crap.Your crap.

My two cents… below is me coming down from skydiving out of plane…one month after my divorce…it was great…

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