Lies We Tell Ourselves

I woke up at 1 am from a sound sleep in a full blown panic attack. I couldn’t breathe and I was having chest pains. My husband, who typically doesn’t awaken for anything, sat up in the bed and asked if I was okay. 

“Yes, I’m good. Go back to sleep,” I told him, patting him on the arm. 

The next morning he asked me again if I was okay and how I slept. 

“Oh, I woke up with a crazy panic attack, but I’m okay,” I replied and went to put the dishes in the dishwasher. 

As I mindlessly completed my chores I wondered why so often we lie to ourselves. I wasn’t okay or else I wouldn’t have awoken twice in two nights with horrible panic.

“Nobody cares how you really are when they ask you,” my mom would tell me, “So always answer that you are fine.” It was programmed into me from an early age like so many of us.

When I was 17 years old I took a job at a construction management firm and quickly climbed the ladder. My female boss, the Vice President of the company, took me aside one day and told me that if you divulged too much that the other party would use it against you. “Don’t ever let them see you sweat, Kristy. Always be in control. Anything other than that is looked at as a weakness. You show you are too sensitive and you will be eaten alive. Got it?”

But I was sensitive and I did feel. I knew she meant well, as did my mom, but when could the mask come off and I could be Kristy and not the Kristy every one else wanted to see? 

“You are so brave.” Those were the words my ex husband as we were divorcing. “I’ve never met someone so strong,” he said to me, as he packed his bags to leave. I had to be. I had a 3 and 5 year old to take care of. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that he believed that I was brave and strong because I pretended to be that way throughout our whole relationship. He hated when I cried or showed my soft and transparent side, so it was easier to be okay all the time. With all the performing I numbed myself and became what I pretended to be, but it is hard to be on all of the time. 

My husband gave me a kiss on the cheek as I moved to folding clothes. “You sure you’re okay?” he asked. 

“No, I guess I’m not,” I confessed. 

I’m learning too.

 Reasons Why We Lie to Ourselves:

•  You’ve been hurt before.
• Others made promises and broke them.
• You went through a difficult divorce or relationship who made promises.
• You were raised in an emotionally unstable environment.
• You have a history of physical abuse.
• You don’t believe that you are deserving.
• You are grieving.

Being vulnerable is scary when you’ve been taught to never be. It also takes practice because it all comes down to trust. Are you so busy guarding your heart that you are losing connections with yourself and others? So how do you move forward? You just have to take the chance and open yourself up. Trust your own intuition and know that if you are hurt again that you will heal again too.