Philosophy: Foundations of Happiness

We spend a lot of our lives searching for happiness, it seems, and never quite finding it. In my conversations with people about finding happiness there has been a surprising trend: those who have found happiness weren’t looking for it, weren’t expecting it, and those who are unhappy seem to mull on about their searches for happiness. And those who are searching usually point to something out there, the right partner, the right job, or the right place to live, as the panacea for unhappiness.

There are many ‘keys’ to happiness for us to discover in life, and one of these is understanding foundations. To find the right partner, job, or home, we must understand what of us we must make ready. If we are emotionally closed off, overcome by angst, and so on, then the perfect person may walk right through our lives, each unable to see the other through the veil of afflictive emotions. Jobs are the same and how are we going to feel at home in a place when we aren’t even at home with our own minds?

Foundations of happiness are those experiences in your life that prepare you to be open the world, provide you with a sense of security, self-esteem, and enthusiasm for the possibilities of life. In my own experience I can look to my parents for great foundations for lovingly getting through tough times, for making personal sacrifices for the sake of a partner, family, and friends, and so on. These foundations gave me strength to cultivate my strengths without fear (it was ok that my high school energy was spent on computers and accounting and not football, for instance) and to take risks (dropping out of college for a year, flying to England for an MA, etc.). Thinking back on where I grew up, these turned out to be wonderful gifts, gifts that I am only now coming to recognize. I’ve run into old classmates who, with tones of sadness or resignation, have recounted their ‘steady course’ in life, never venturing far from home (spiritually, geographically, or otherwise).

On the other hand, I know there are foundations that my parents couldn’t give me, things I still need to work on. Prominently on this list are a sense of history, of being rooted, and not just geographically. By rooted I mean knowing that who I am is a product of history, that the twists and turns of real people’s lives all had to come together at just the right moments for me to exist. My mother’s side, both her Polish mother’s family and her Scottish father’s side, have lived many generations of fleeing. My father’s side is better, closer as a family; and my father has always made it a point to remind me of my Irish.

My parents also never instilled in me a sense of trust in faith and religion. Both were raised Catholic, both were very involved in the Church at one point, and both faded out. As a teen I was sharp enough to see that Christianity didn’t make sense when viewed literally, and I only seemed to meet people who took it (basically) literally or didn’t accept it at all. So I veered into the exciting and boundless (yet also practically rootless) fields of free-thought. With free-though I found myself only opposed to all things religious, because I saw even the good of religion to be tainted by its associated dogma, exclusivism, and ultimately intolerance.

It took several years and lots of meditation to open up to religion as a whole, and the process is still ongoing. It also helped, and was no coincidence, that I began to meet many wonderful Christians, mostly Catholics. I am also initiating the process, inspired by Kelly, of coming to better know my family history. Next weekend, if all goes right, I’ll be in Colorado with my mother to interview my grandmother Bojgouski (sp?), Nana, and pick up genealogy research done by my aunt Kim.

All of that is to say that there are many foundations for happiness (family ties, spiritual openness, self-confidence, etc), and each one of them is a ground upon which to stand to better know who we are. None of this is to discount the power of the right person, job, or community, but as mentioned none of these will bring you happiness if you haven’t first become intimate with yourself. Few, if any, of us are blessed with the full gamut of solid foundations from our upbringing. These are things we need to work on as adults, often with the hope of passing on firmer foundations to our own children. And that, perhaps, is the true source of happiness: searching to know ourselves, loving and supporting those who join us in that journey, and realizing that you’ve been acting for the sake of others all along.