Ask Angus #31: Ambush Picnic Therapy

Don’t Fear the Reaper: I am a Wiccan who is engaged to an agnostic. Normally my religion and practices don’t bother him but every year around Samhain, I practically have to go back into the broom closet around him. This is because he can’t deal with the idea of death, he claims he’s not afraid of it but rather hates it.

He hates the myth of the Wiccan God and his yearly sacrifice, he hates that I put out food for wandering spirits. I can’t even tell him I’m going to the graveyard to tend to graves because it upsets him. I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want this seasonal strain on our relationship to continue. His views of death are unhealthy but he refuses to discuss it. I did manage to learn from his mother that when he was in high school his girlfriend died in a car accident when he was out of state visiting family. If this is whats causing him such torment I’d like to help him move past it but I don’t know how. Any suggestions?

Dear Reap,

Yeeeaaahhh, that’s a sticky wicket to be sure. It sounds like both of you are serious about the relationship and have long term plans with each other. Yay! Buuut, there’s this THING that is causing you both pain.

Here’s how to break it down: How much pain? You don’t need to get specific, just generalize: Small, Medium, or Large is fine. My guess is that this is medium pain for both of you. Its manageable, but really annoying, and its characterized by its longevity. Medium pain like this is periodic and lingering. Ick.

Now. Its not going to go away on its own, and sticking with the Status Quo is going to be a drag. So we will have to make your fiance face his fears and hopefully show him how positive and affirming the Wiccan view of death really is. Does this sound awful? It is! Does it sound intimidating? Yepper! And what is frightening about this scenario is how big this scenario is. This is Large Pain. But here’s the catch: Its a short-duration kinda deal.

Instead of dealing with Seasonal, ongoing Medium Pain, take a brave pill and tackle the one-time Big Pain.

You want him to be happy, right? To be a more well-rounded, grounded, open-minded kinda fellow – correct? So here’s where you put on the big-girl panties and paddle into unknown waters.

And yeah, you may have to whack him with your oar.

Here’s a possible scenario for this showdown:

1) Do your homework.

• Study up on the Wheel of the Year, and the Samhain sacrifice of the Horned God. Get some illustrated books. Emphasize the inevitabilty of the deed, the necessity of it, and the lovely Dark Time of Winter that is the result. The Dark defines the Light, and without it there is no balance and the Wheel doesn’t turn.
• Prepare some material on the fey, and their place in your world. Get some of the happier Brian Froud pictures if that is how your faeries appear to you. Practice explaining the role that the Unseen play in the plant world.
• Think about how lovely and grounding cemetaries are to you. How they quietly furnish you with some necessary perspective now and then. Take one of your hubbies heroes and find out where his/her gravestone is. Find a picture of it.

2) Ambush him.

• Take him out for a drive sometime, and bring a picnic. Go somewhere fresh and new to you both, someplace isolated and sunny. Some place LIVELY.
• And then lower the boom on him. Say that there is a boulder in the stream of your relationship, and you both need to face it, confront it, and break it down.
• Show that there are two factors to this problem: His past, and your practice. Try to get him to articulate his fears. Get him to tell you stories, not just fear. You need facts here, not emotions. Listen completely to his side.
• If that goes well, proceed to your side of the problem: How his perception of your Religion is wrong. (“Dead wrong” if he’s up for a tease by this point.) Dig out your visual aids and take it step by step with him. But really match this to his rhythm; he’ll be on shaky ground and you’ll need to gauge how much he can handle at this juncture.
• When he is comfortable with the surroundings point out how much death is around you even then. All the plants that sprout, propogate and then die away. The insects with miniscule life spans. Small mammals that are the prey of the apex predators. And the Seasons themselves that come and go. Death is not be denied. It is not welcomed, but is respected, and even celebrated.
• Schedule another ‘picnic’ soon to further this discussion. Keep the communication flowing. Let him rest and assimilate, but show him how important this is to you.

3) Also do your homework on Therapy options and what would be available to him. Have this information with you. If doesn’t respond well to your Terminal Picnic, don’t let him off the hook. Something has to change here – namely HIM, and if won’t let you help, then show him that there are caring professionals out there how can help him overcome his fears.

Reaper, You’ll need to decide for yourself how much a ‘dealbreaker’ this problem is. If he is totally resistant to facing this, then it is up to you decide if you have a future together.

But before then, show how much you love him, and how important this is to you, by preparing all this and presenting it to him in a kind, gentle and determined manner.

He needs to stop being afraid of the Dark, and to do that you’ll have to show him the Light.

~Ask Angus

@AngusMcMahan

Send your questions to: angusmcmahan@gmail.com