What’s tha quickest way ta thaw a turkey, biatch?

What’s tha quickest way ta thaw a turkey, biatch? November 27, 2013

Did you, like me, forget to thaw your turkey out until five minutes ago? No worries! Gizoogle to the rescue!

Da Thursdizzle before Thanksgivin you supposed ta take yo’ turkey outta tha freezer n’ allow it ta thaw slowly up in tha fridge. Rule of thumb say fo’ every last mutha[redacted] four poundz of bird, allow one dizzle ta thaw up in tha refrigerator. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. But what tha [redacted] if it’s 24 minutes before tha big-ass dizzle n’ tha bird is still frozen solid, biatch? Whatever you do, DO NOT break up tha afro dryer, n’ please, please do not even be thinkin bout wrappin it burrito-style up in a heatin blanket.

What’s tha quickest way ta thaw a turkey, biatch? In tha bathtub fo’ realz.

(Read tha rest Gizoogle steez here, or if you want in plain, boring English, read it here.)

Geez, Gizoogle! Next time tone the language down a tad so I don’t have to redact you, m’kay?

Also! There’s a turkey talk line! Apparently this is a famous, well-known entity, and it probably could have helped a lot that time I served a raw turkey. Don’t be like me. Call the hotline.

Happy cooking, happy feasting! Remember that this is the day when we celebrate the destruction of our country’s indigenous people!


"So what you're really saying is that you use NFP because you don't want to ..."

The Super Suckage of NFP
"I'm sorry, but planning pregnancy involves using birth control. did you miss that memo?"

All Parenthood is #UnplannedParenthood
"Without knowing that God has a purpose for everything, my sufferings in life would be ..."

Sentimental Claptrap, Part V: God Has ..."
"Has the photo been changed? Because what's at the top right now is photo of ..."

Sex Breasts and Babies

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment