Did you, like me, forget to thaw your turkey out until five minutes ago? No worries! Gizoogle to the rescue!
Da Thursdizzle before Thanksgivin you supposed ta take yo’ turkey outta tha freezer n’ allow it ta thaw slowly up in tha fridge. Rule of thumb say fo’ every last mutha[redacted] four poundz of bird, allow one dizzle ta thaw up in tha refrigerator. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. But what tha [redacted] if it’s 24 minutes before tha big-ass dizzle n’ tha bird is still frozen solid, biatch? Whatever you do, DO NOT break up tha afro dryer, n’ please, please do not even be thinkin bout wrappin it burrito-style up in a heatin blanket.
What’s tha quickest way ta thaw a turkey, biatch? In tha bathtub fo’ realz.
Also! There’s a turkey talk line! Apparently this is a famous, well-known entity, and it probably could have helped a lot that time I served a raw turkey. Don’t be like me. Call the hotline.
Happy cooking, happy feasting! Remember that this is the day when we celebrate the destruction of our country’s indigenous people!