What every married couple needs to know about SEX

Sex is one of the most powerful gifts God ever created. It was designed to bring a man and woman together in a physical, emotional and spiritual bond that would create, pleasure, intimacy and also procreation. Marriages that neglect or misuse this gift are headed for frustration and most likely, divorce. Most marriages that don’t prioritize what happens in the bedroom will usually end in a courtroom. 

I was reminded of this when some friends of mine were having a marriage crisis and headed for divorce. They had drifted far apart and felt that there was no marriage left. As a last effort, they decided to take a “30-Day Challenge” and committed to having sex every day for a month. By the end of the month, their marriage was stronger and their intimacy was reignited. Their marriage had new momentum which has carried them forward. They’re the first to say that “it takes a lot more than sex to build a strong marriage, but it’s impossible to build a strong marriage without it!”

Here are a few things every married couple needs to know about sex:

1. You should be having more of it.

Healthy couples make sex a priority. I’m convinced that many (if not most) arguments in marriage stem from sexual frustration. Here’s a short video I created on “Why You Should be having More Sex!” sex and marriage (3-minute video)

2. You should ONLY be having it with each other! 

It’s sad that we live in a world, where I have to clarify this, but monogamy is the only way a marriage can work. Don’t look outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs, and I would argue that this includes porn. Bringing another person into your bed or you mind will eventually destroy the intimacy God intended sex to be enjoyed exclusively between a husband and wife.

3. Better sex starts with getting better in other areas outside the bedroom.

When communication is better, your sex life will usually improve, so talk, text and flirt with each other throughout the day. When you’re serving each other’s needs in other areas (Guys, this means be willing to do the dishes and help more around the house), your sex life will usually improve. When you show genuine thoughtfulness to one another throughout the day, the night is more likely to end well!

4. Don’t use sex as leverage.

In some marriages, sex (or denying sex) is used as a way to reward or to punish the other spouse. Over time, this practice will cheapen the power of sex, cause resentment and also erode the trust and intimacy in your marriage.

5. Have fun!

Sex is supposed to be fun, so enjoy it! As you do, you’ll find your stress levels decreasing, your laughter increasing, and a more positive outlook on life together.

We’d love to hear what you and your spouse have learned about the power of sex. Please comment (without getting too graphic, please!) 


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  • Buffy

    Im curious as to how this correlates to a couple that has physical reasons for lack of sex? Married 42 years and with meds taken for several health issues the desire is completely gone. Divorce isn’t an issue but I feel the lack of intimacy definitely affects our relationship at times. Before the health issues began the sex life was good.

  • Carrie

    My husband and I have both been married before and are in our 50′s and we have been married to each other for 8 months….we do things together outside the bedroom and work together around the house and definitely feel this makes our sexual life together that much more perfect!!! We feel like we are in our 20′s in that regard and believe its because we make it a priority…

  • Marc

    So what if the physical affection and the whole having sex doesn’t intrest your spouse and they do it just because. Wham Bam, the hurry up, just lay there and do nothing attitude, the don’t hold me, hug me or I don’t like to kiss attitude then what do you do.

  • Marc

    Oh I forgot You have 5 minutes so hurry up attitude, what do you do?

  • Vlanca

    very true about men helping out around the house, its always a turn on when my husband helps me out around the house, stuff gets done faster and that makes more time for us!

  • christy gunter

    I really enjoyed your article, it is so true but I have some question and need advice. My husband early on in the marriage had cheated on me multiple times, I forgave but never forgotten. I had always resented him for that, I now know that I did forgive him for that then if I resented him, but that has been resolved. Our sex life had gotten to where only needs that were being met were his and I was left neglected. I dealt with it for 5+ yrs and so the resentment built up inside of me so when someone showed me attention I was intrigued. I cheated on my husband, it wasn’t and emotional attachment thing it was a conversation and I was being taken care of. And I wasn’t have to give directions, yes, no, there, not there, if you know what I mean, he just knew. I cut off that part of my life in Nov and have not revisted that, I told my husband every detail that could have been given, ask for forgiveness from God and myself. He says he forgives me but he is constantly bringing it up, with starts an argument or he will bring it up during sex thinking that will turn me on, which it does just the opposite. Here in the past 2-3 months, sex has been very seldom, it usually would be every other day to 2-3 times a week now to 1 or 2 a month if lucky. Its not that I don’t want to have sex with him but I feel like Im laying in bed and kissing a stranger. I told him this and of course you know where that ended up. But its funny how I can write a book on him, on exactly what he likes, doesn’t like, when and where, how long, etc. But 16 yrs into the relationship he still doesn’t know how to please me. I feel if I have to tell you and draw it out for you then there is no fun for me. It to me feels like he has just focused on his needs and not taken mental notes of mine. And I find talking to him during sex what to do is a turn off and I don’t enjoy then. I also need to know if there could be something wrong with me bc him alone I cant you know. He tries but is not successful. So that frustrates him as well as myself causing the same kind of issues. I know this is a long comment or message and a lot of info and probably too much info, but I just need some advice and some answers on what to do. We have gone through a marriage conference at church and just finished a 8 week small group session with church but it doesn’t seem to have helped. respond without full name please.

  • Natalie

    I love this. My husband and I are shall we say more active than most married couples and we have one of the best marriages around. Not the only reason but it helps. Just remember to make sure at least once a week that both of you end up completely satisfied it may take a little extra work but makes a difference. Hope that’s not too graphic.

  • Shane

    Well written to honor God’s design for marriage. Thank you!

  • Sandra

    I would have to say that the issue is definitely not a bedroom issue. Intimacy and friendship need to be re-established before anything else is going to get better. Communication is important. I think a good place to start would be from step 1. Go on a date! Redevelop your relationship from the very beginning. The beginning is when it’s usually the best anyway, right?

  • Aly

    My husabnd and I have always enjoyed sex. We are both in our early 30′s. We used to have sex a lot pretty much every other day some weeks every day. I was a happy girl! Since I love sex about as much as men. We are still young so it is important to me. My husband has never felt it is a very important part and he has always been happy with or without it. I on the other hand have always been nuts if I go more than 2 days without it. We have a wonderful spiitual and emmotional relationship. However about 8 months ago he began to have a problem with his back and now the sex has decreased. He has days where he can hardly walk. This falls in the for sickness and health prat I know however I am having mixed feelings. I sympatize with him because I have seen him suffer go through physical therapy and other things and still have a long way to go because they have not figured out what is wrong yet. When we have sex it is still amzing some days he does it just to make me ahppy but I know he is in pain. We have had counseling because it has not only took a strain physically but financially too and we were told to have sex in positons that did not hurt him as much but it all bothers him. Some days more than others. How can I deal with taking care of him physically and deal with the lAck of sex in a way that honors God? I am thankful for my realtionship with Him otherwise the human nature in me would let my mind wonder to sinful things. It just seems to get worse instead of better and iwe hopefully have many more years ahead we are young. It makes me sad especially when a hug hurts him he won’t hold me when I fall asleep I am heartbroke he is going through this but I still feel neglected. Am I being selfish? I pray everyday that I will put my husband before myself.

  • http://marriage Wanda

    Me and my husband have been together for little over 3 years. We talk about everything and very open with our sex life with each other. We even make our children blush. I have 3 kids and he has 3 kids all r grown and gone they do not live at home. He is my second husband and i am his fith wife.
    We get along great and always have. I am 51 and he is 57. At first we where having sex every night and some days sometimes twice a day. But for the last year and a half he has backed away to once a week to once every two weeks to once a month. To the point that it is once every two months if i am lucky. And yes we have tried new things and ways. It doesn’t help. What can i do?

  • Jenni

    Agreed! It also can be fun to include the dishes or housework in the playfulness before making it to bed. ;)

  • anonumous

    In your opinion is it ok for your spouse to pleasure them self when your not there if there not watching porn i dont feel that it is but id like to know others opinions

  • Anonymous

    Perhaps you could try some “aides”. Something you can control to help yourself reach the level you are looking for. I do sell these items, but I am NOT trying to earn a customer. I am being honest. You would not believe the doors that “toys” can open. It’s worth a shot if your marriage is in turmoil over sex.

  • Anonymous

    I, too would like to know others’ opinion on this matter. Men are very visionary, and even if they are faithful, it’s difficult for them when seeing other women, because some of those images get burned into their minds. Now what they do with it, shows their integrity. I am just afraid that if my spouse pleasures himself when we are apart for business, an image will pop into his mind involuntarily and what he does with it, or how far he takes it is what scares me. Would love some good counsel on this subject. I personally am against it.

  • Anonymous

    Well I’ve been married for a while now and the sex life I have it’s not as active I would say…my wife has 3 kids and we hardly have sex it’s usually every two weeks if I’m lucky and just one day when we got married I understood she had kids but I try almost every night and I get rejected …don’t get me wrong I love my wife but she says I worry about having sex so much…it’s not a priority but I would like it at least 3 times a week I help her out in house chores and all but it still makes no difference what can I possibly do any suggestions…

  • anonymous

    we havenot had the cheating issues you have had, but I know where you are coming from with him not meeting needs. we are on 7 years of marriage and he still hasnt figured out what turns me on. AND I TELL HIM! I dont think I should have to tell him every time though. I would love to have more intimate time, but not if I dont get to have fun too!!

  • Anon

    It is impossible to please yourself, by yourself, without thinking of something or someone. Our bodies are to please our spouses alone and to be there for our spouses. When there is sickness in the marriage, we need to lean on the Lord to be our strength. There is a way to live without sex, when there are health issues that prevent sexual relations. That is the essence of true love. When we are willing to sacrifice ourselves and be a support to our spouses.

    Still work towards health and physical healing so that the sex will return to more often. I am completely against masturbation. It gives you a disconnect from your spouse. We work with marriages that are in crisis or have walked through sexual immorality. Praying for all the couples above.

  • Elizabeth

    I have been married for a year and a half. We use to have sex everyday but now 2 times a week. It seems we just got bored with it. What to do?

  • Because

    Forgiveness takes at least 10 years. For some, it may never cease existence. Be patient with yourselves. Last, you both have to want your relationship to survive. On the days that you are feeling guilt or being overly agitated, hold hands…it is old fashion, but effective!!

  • Anonymous

    All of these are great advice, and I certainly agree… or at least I’d like to. My problem is that what is a man supposed to sexually, if his wife does withhold sex? Or if there is always a reason not to have it? I won’t lie, and I have watched porn from time to time to get my need met. If I am supposed to only be with my wife, and I have been 100% faithful throughout our marriage. If my sexual needs are not met, or are only met once a month. What do I do? Porn is my only option, and she hates when I do. I don’t know.

  • mrc

    If your sex life is great but ur man still looks at porn every now and then does it mean I am not good enough?

  • Nathan

    I know what you mean about having one of the best marriages. My wife and I are pretty active and we feel the same.. We also know of 2 other marriages that began about the time ours did and they did not make it 2 years, and alot of the problems stemmed from little to no sex, and no communication. I also feel that this is a big area where men need to be men and not focus on themselves and put some effort in. If she’s doing all the work, eventually she won’t do any work.

  • https://www.facebook.com/clelj.org Bradley

    Did all of the above and it was Great! But she still left and took my two baby children with her! :’(

  • Jessica

    I am a stay at home mom of 1 18 month old & 6 month in utero : ) I use a lot of strength & energy being with my daughter constantly not to mention being prego. My husbands company sold out so we lost our “stable job” Now hes working 2 jobs and is working 60-70 hour weeks just to pay our bills. We both could get frustrated, but every day we remind one-another This is just a phase, a season, we are learning from one another and WE CHOOSE to Not let the little things get to us. We MAKE sex a priority, even if it means our daughter is in her crib playing for a bit. (that way we know she is safe) Whatever you do, DONT THINK about do we have time, Like Nike Just Do It! It takes 3 weeks for something to become a routine, and another 3 to make it a habit. Dont give up!. We know life is hard, but remember sex will De stress you, Keep God first, and as silly as this may seem, PRAY and ask God to BLESS YOUR SEXY life! He will bless those who call out on his name. Marriage IS the BIGGEST Blessing you can experience, BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK at it to reap it’s blessings. Moms & Dads…Kids Dont always need to come first, in this department, youll be a better parent if your kids can see you and your spouse are intimate/in tune with one anothers needs. ITS OKAY to say mom n dad need their quiet time alone. It gives them security knowing you both need each other.: ) Dont go make it a Goal , GO Make it Happen, Grab your spouse, and Spice it up…You DONT always have to have sex in bed. Make it fun and be creative. Start now by praying and asking God to give you that area you need a boost in. Happy Love Making!

  • Jessica

    Easy enough.. as scary as it may seem, Talk to your spouse about this exact scenario. Your thoughts your fears, ask him his desires.( Yeah your worried my spouse will never open up… even if they wont share they will listen more than we think) I told my husband when we first got married that i wanted him to not “please himself” (as he traveled for work a lot) I told him i wanted to feel desired more than anything else. BOY talk about embarrassment/shock from my hubbys part. But he was selfless and he choose to put me first. That really got things into perspective, and it made me more important that his desires. Needless to say sex got even better. Also Pray about it. Good Luck!

  • Anonymous

    Tough subject….my husband has ED, and has recently decided no more sex. He has options to explore, i.e. quit smoking, but doesn’t. Wasn’t consulted, but was affected. He has withdrawn sexual closeness without my input. Deeply hurt. I think there are lots of ways to “make love.” Deciding for both parties in the marriage that there isn’t any anymore doesn’t seem right to me.

  • Amy

    It seems to me that you may still be harboring anger for his affair and blame him for yours. I think I would seek individual counseling. Also, tell him what you like, dislike, need… outside of the bedroom. You can have a conversation about it without it being in the middle of sex. You can show him where and how. It sounds like a lack of communication. Ask him if there is anything else you can do that will turn him on or help him in the bedroom. Sit down and have this conversation, fully clothed, no touching allowed. I bet you will be surprised at what you learn about each other and what a fantastic night you will have afterward. Good luck.

  • Emerald

    Love this… I am making my husband sit down to read this!

  • Mars

    Porn exaggerates sex, those who act porn are drugged and are capable of exaggerated sexual performance in straineous sex positions. Porn will eventually leads to sexual dissatisfaction leading to infidelity. Communicate with your spouse on all issues and pray for faithfulness in difficult times. Marriage is about feeling for one another and compromising for our spouses’ needs. Lets your marriage be guided by God for He is a families builder. Psalms 127 v 1.

  • Michelle

    Speaking from personal experience, you need to find out what else is going on. This is usually a sign of a deep rooted issue that leads to “obligatory” sex. She does not want to share her body with you for long because there is a blockade in her mind. And be committed to finding, hearing and working on it. Depending on what it is and how long it has been going on, it may take a while for trust and wanting to share to return.

  • PC

    Go to talk your pastor with only u two there. That helped us more than anything. We had weekly meetings with him only. The other issues you need to talk or communicate with your husband about all of it. Tell him outside the bedroom too.

  • Valerie Kelley

    I would suggest the book Good Husband, Great Marriage! I have heard great testimonies from couples I personally know who read this book!! Good luck God can make the impossible, possible!!

  • gloria

    Christy….do you pray for your husband? Do you thank God for your husband? In the bedroom, if you have not told him what you like, or don’t like, you need to! He doesn’t read your mind….you need to tell him that talking about your affair turns you OFF not ON! You two need to get on your knees together and ask God and each other to forgive you for even the resentment. Ask God to help you push past this place you are in and make you stronger than ever.

    Christy, men need to be reminded about what feels good and right. The excitement of your ‘indiscretion’ is what fueled the ‘feel good’ aspect of it. Regain that excitement for your husband. Focus on what he does well and build on it. Is he a good provider? Find a way to praise him for it! It is awkward and hard when you don’t respect him, but learn how to do that. Get in God’s word and see what HE says and then ask Him to help you. He wants to help you to love your husband! He delights in His daughters that want to please Him, by pleasing His sons! Your husband is God’s gift to you…God bless you! Praying for you, right now!

  • anonymous

    only if this was in spanish. I love the ” Guys, this means be willing to do the dishes and help more around the house” part.

  • Holly

    the same here, so many meds have helped drained any desire, like we are room mates,

  • Lisa

    I have been married for two years. My husband is 11 years older than I am. We have had issues early on in our marriage because he was inappropriately talking to other women. This occured at least 4 times. It’s been a struggle with me and our marriage. This is a second marriage for both of us as our first marriages broke due to infidelity on our spouses part. My husband could careless about sex but is awesome in all other areas. It’s an emotional roller coaster for me because I want to have an active sex life but feel its tainted by a huge lack of trust. We both attend church and are spiritual. What can I do to Liven and refresh our marriage?

  • Sarah Ochoa

    While i was pregnant sex became very painful for me so i mostly avoided it. After having the baby i felt like we hadnt connected in an eternity. We started out slow and now with the baby only being 8 weeks old i feel like oue marriage is stronger than its ever been.

  • Apriola

    My husband doesn’t please himself because he chooses not to, but he works at night and I have classes during the day/ work so we don’t have sex as much as we want. I do please myself when I’m alone because I have needs to. I don’t think it’s cheating or that anything is wrong with it. It’s a natural thing in my mind.

  • Anonymous

    What do you do when your spose is in his early 30′s but cant get it up any more. It’s hard to do a 30 day challege. When we got together two years ago it was a daily thing. But now he can’t get it up hardly due to diabetes and seems like viagra dont hardly work. So he gets depressed and reverts to a quickie with porn. Less trouble to him it seems then trying and getting dissapointed about not getting it up with me. I am not braging but I look as good as a porn star cause I have people tell me on a daily basis so it;s not my looks are down hill or anything. We almost broke up over his porn addiction. All his past relationships ended due to lack of sex or his other partners cheating on him due to lack of sex. Im beening faithful though.But so frustrated sexually not to mention he is under average size when erect. So you can imagine my frustration. He tells me he watches the porn so 1, he dont feel embrassed about not getting up for me,2, if he dont work down stairs theres no disappoint ment and 3, he has to practice his pvc which is suppost to help him get up more and last longer. Im trying to be so faithful and honor God at same time. But I am at a lost.

  • Apriola

    There are no proof that sex leads to infidelity. I have and will always be faithful to my husband but I watch porn from time to time.

  • Melissa

    We have been married 17 years. We waited until we were married to have sex. He was and is my very best friend. There’s nothing we can’t talk about. I think that is key…we enjoy each other in and out of the bedroom. We have rarely gone more than 3 days without sex. The longest time without sex was after the birth of our child. It was a very trying time. Even once we started having sex again…it didn’t feel the same. It took almost 6 months to feel right to me. I kept on doing it … knowing that one day we would get there again. We talked about. He felt bad that I was having trouble. He worked hard to make it right, but I was physically just not able to climax. I wasn’t mad at him. I didn’t want him to suffer through with me…like I told him; how would we know I was ready if we weren’t doing it. Finally after many months the damn broke. Thank God. We never stopped having sex; we just worked through it. Life is like a cosine wave; you have ups and down. You don’t want to stop, or you won’t be able to get back in motion easily. A body at rest seems to stay at rest. A marriage without sex ceases to be a true marriage. Marriage means to join together as one. We’re still having sex…through thick and thin; sickness and health. It works for us. We still talk; we still pray; we still laugh and plan. We still live for each other.

  • mindy

    Sadly I was this way with my husband for the past eight years. It caused many problems. I felt that the only reason he tried to hug or kiss me or even rub my neck was to get me into bed and I resented him for it. I prayed and read and did everything in my power to be different because I saw what I was doing to our marriage. I was finally led too stop taking birth control because of other side effects and that was what changed it for me. I now feel like I did before I lost interest (when I started taking birth control after the birth of our daughter). He made the comment to me the other night that we have had sex more in the past two months than we have in the past year. Good luck to you and your wife. Pray, pray, pray and pray some more!

  • Melissa

    My heart goes out to you. I think it might be a very hard thing for a man to talk about. He may not feel like he can talk about it. He may feel shame. For men what they do is an extension of them. He may have convinced himself that you wouldn’t really mind because women aren’t supposed to really like sex. I would find a way to express that not being physically close to him hurts you that you love and miss him. I will shut up now. You probably have already done that. Good luck. Praying for you.

  • Houston

    This subject hits home for me…sex, or lack thereof has caused tons of insecurities and frustration for me which has put tremendous strain on my marriage. I have been married 5 years, stepmother to a beautiful 6 year old and mother to a handsome 19 month old son. My husband has stated multiple times that he has found me less attractive after the birth of our son so we have only been intimate with one another 3 times since September 2011. He watches porn regularly and it recently came out that he has been in close contact with several ex-girlfriends. He tells me that he’s never been with anyone else, but I find that hard to believe. One ex in particular has caused problems for us before with sexting my husband, and when I found out she was back I was heartbroken (and furious). I want to improve our intimacy, but dont feel like I can until I feel I can trust him again. Plus, I just feel so unattractive since he’s always commenting on how he misses his size 2 wife. We are on our 3rd round of marriage counseling, but am not feeling very optimistic.

  • Paula

    It is my opinion that the media and all it’s facets has put it into our mids that we need to look a certain way, have sex a certain way in order to please one another, and that’s just not accurate. God designed each and every one us specifically the way we are to serve his purpose. We don’t need media’s garbage about how to look, think or behave, we only need God’s. I also feel that when we as husbands and wives tend to the needs of our spouses, we win. That is every need, not just the ones we feel like doing that day. Ask your spouse what it is they need, then be willing to do it, be grateful for the opportunity to serve them. God wants us to have a servant’s heart and if we aren’t willing to serve our spouse how can we dare serve anyone else. I don’t agree that porn or self pleasure is the answer, in fact it’s the opposite. You are robbing your spouse when you do these things. If you have a higher drive than your spouse then pray that God would help you to be equal in that manner instead of nagging, griping or complaining. Pray that God changes you not your spouse. A lot of our issues as couples come from setting our expectations too high, then when our spouse can’t meet them we complain, like the children of Israel. If you want out of the sexual desert…STOP COMPLAINING! Be thankful for your spouse and remember when you loved them uncondiotionally, stop being selfish (and yes we can be too selfish over sex). There are tons of ways to have pleasure with your spouse if medically you cannot. Communication is vital to a healthy sex life, try it, it’s better than a vitamin. Above all seek to love them like Christ does, and he will take care of the rest.

  • Keyton

    If both of you have decided to stick with each other. Both have to truly forgive one another. You can not bring up the past mistakes or use them against each other ever again. That pushes you away from each other. At a time like this you have to re build that bond from the beginning. Get out of the old repetitive everyday habits you have created. devote both of your life’s around The Lord. And focus only on uplifting him! Show your husband the love God has for you and he will want to show you it back. It may not happen all at once, though he will come around eventually. As far as him not knowing how to please you and you considering that as him never wanting to learn..Before going into the bedroom talking to your husband and telling him is the only way for him to learn. It is ok to talk dirty to your husband! Maybe not in order to turn him on or you on but just so he can understand how. Men are not wired like woman. Many men don’t understand how to or they feel like they are a failure because they can’t make you happy. Explaining to him without belittling him will change things under the sheets. Take one step at a time! After rekindling each step he will have no other choice but to love you how you need to be loved. I know its hard but It all starts by being the example to him.

  • Rebecca

    If I may, try doing it as an act of service for your spouse. Even though you may not be directly benefiting from it. I too have medical issues and can relate. Also, by having sex, even when not desired, your body releases hormones and eventually will start to crave and desire it!

  • Chanda

    I can completely understand your frustration. My husband and I have been together for 21 years now. We dated for 2 years, married after I graduated high school and got pregnant within 3 months. We now have 3 amazing kids and we are happy. However, the first 5 years of our marriage was a hardcore struggle. He cheated on me multiple times. I never cheated on him. This was something that was EXTREMELY hard for me to pull through. I believe what got me through it is that I always heard older people say (when I was young) that a man will always cheat but we have to forgive. So his cheating, sadly, was almost expected. Yes there is a lot more that happened but that would be a book to respond with. So – I will tell you what I did. First, I got down on my knees and asked God to forgive me for all my sins – then I prayed that He would help us see what we needed to do to rebuild our marriage and be the Godly couple He desired for all of us to be . We never went to counseling of any kind, but we had our own counseling. Every night we made sure that we read the bible together, had a discussion about what we read, and then discussed our relationship and what we wanted and expected from each other. This was a tremendous help – BUT – the most important part of that is that you have to BOTH be TOTALLY and COMPLETELY HONEST – have no fear about what you want or expect. As for our sex life, well that took a while to get back on track. I made him go get tested for any and all diseases, as did I since I did not know he was cheating. Thank God neither of us had contracted anything. I did take the discussions we would have to our sex life almost three times a week because that is how much I thought a healthy sexual relationship would have sex. I began telling him what I liked and did not like – what I expected and how often I expected. It was kind of like writing an extremely intimate love letter that I wanted to be done. This took the whole thing of me telling what I wanted while having sex out of that so there was pure satisfaction from both of us during sex. Yes at times he seemed a little rehearsed but it was us working together to gain the greater goal. Now – HOLY COW – I could not ask for a better man, husband, or father. We still have our “counseling” sessions but we have moved on from a sexual struggle in our relationship to a deepening ability to have an honest open conversation/discussion about any and every thing. As for forgiving but not forgetting – Well I have to say that I have forgiven him BUT I don’t want to forget because what he did in the long run I feel made us a stronger Godly married couple. No I would not recommend anyone cheating on anyone but the fact is that it did happen – instead of letting it make us bitter toward each other we used it to rebuild and strengthen all that we had. Good Luck to you!

  • Chanda

    Just a question – So would you rather him pleasure himself – or would you rather him actually go cheat on you?

  • ashley

    I just wanted to throw this out there..if you women are struggling with your sex drive don’t assume that its always because of your spouse, or that something is wrong with the relationship. My husband and I are very deeply in love, but issues with sex began suddenly four days after we got married (for me). It caused a lot of frustrations for both of us, and I had constant pain during and after. We got pregnant right away and the sexual problems disappearedbut returned soon after our daughter was born. Many many doctors and surgery later we found out I have endometriosis and adenomyosis. I am only 26 and we’ve been married four years. I lost three pregnancies after the birth of our daughter, and with each one I seemed to lose more of my sex drive. A friend suggested trying Progesterone cream to rebalance things …and it was amazing! From that suggestion and my results we were able to identify that I had low progesterone levels causing miscarriage, and hormonal imbalance that left me moody, with pelvic pain and no desire for my wonderful hubby. It went hand in hand with the endometriosis. Our second daughter is 9 months old now and I am back on the cream, and noticing positive results! I was reading recently that a very high percentage of women have been able to spice up their marriages again by using progesterone cream..so for those of you who are really struggling with sex but it doesnt make sense because you’re in love with your spouse and everything EXCEPT sex seems to be going well, I would suggest giving this a try or trying some other form of hormone balancing supplement. It’snot just for old ladies! And no, I don’t market or sell it, but the sexual part of our marriage improved so much from this,

  • ashley

    sorry my last post got cut off.. anyway it was a huge answer to prayer (as was thesurgery and diagnosis of endometriosis/adenomyosis)…it answered a lot of questions for me and my hubby and I would recommend that women explore hormonal imbalance as a possibility when dealing with situations like ours.

  • Nicole

    Marc, after many years of frank and intimate discussions with my female friends I’m going to say this…It sounds like your wife MAY have been hurt somehow in the past sexually. Several of my friends who are or were like this had a trauma they never wanted to share but did exist from before. What we all talked about as a way to help is a very very very slow partner. This inc slow start up, LOTS of foreplay, all control given to the injured spouse, communication and sometimes real professional help. However obviously you can’t just look at your spouse and say “you need help”, or “no ones ever been dissatisfied befor, what’s your problem”, etc. Instead you may need to recomend joint therapy to get the ball rolling. This may try every ounce of patience you have, but remember God is there so pray to. I hope this insider info helps. God Bless.

  • Nicole

    There’s a really good Christian movie called “Fireproof” it covers this very topic within it and the marriage. What’s nice about it is it may give you insight into how your wife feels knowing she’s not satisfying or “enough” for you. It may sound odd to you but your in a cycle and one of you has to be the bigger person to step off the cycle. Try watching the movie together and then using it to start a post conversation. You may want to even start with a question, “Do you feel like the woman in the movie”?…. Good luck and again remember to pray.

  • Dena

    You need to remember sex starts for a women many hours before you get to the bedroom . Lots of touching , doing things for her , making her feel special . These things may help I know they do for me .

  • Mellissa

    Not having sex ended my first marriage and until you don’t have it in your marriage you don’t realize just how important it is to your marriage. I

  • Amanda

    I have heard of many females being like this, but what Marc just described is my husband to the T. I guess my question is the same as Marc’s, What do you do?

  • theone

    Ladies remember men are easier to please than women! I know it sucks walking us through exactly what you want. You might have to give us very clear directions. It might take weeks or months, but once we get it we won’t forget it.

  • http://Facebook Bethh

    I have been married 1 year now, to my second husband. We cannot have children. I cannot talk about sex with him or anyone else, never have been able to and don’t really want to. I find sex to be something inappropriate to talk about and even do because we cannot have children. Do I do it yes on rare occasions. But I really feel that unless we were trying to have a baby it is unnecessary. It is also hard for me to understand that God would want us to participate recreationally in something so carnal or even speak those inappropriate things out of our mouths. I don’t understand how God would want use to enjoy such things. My husband knows how I feel and we don’t talk about any of it. The cuddling, hugs and kisses are enough physical contact for me. I also have two children from my first marriage and in no way would I ever put the sexual needs of my husband in front of any need of my children and it is hard for me believe some people do that.

  • Shannon

    What about sex outside of marriage? My boyfriend and I know we’re going to get married and we have somewhat of a sex life but feel guilty about it. However, my love language is physical touch and I feel very depressed about our relationship when we try not to have sex, even though I know it’s wrong. We’re both in college right now and can’t afford to get married until after, so we have a long wait ahead of us. I just don’t like feeling so far away from him without the sex, even though I know it’s a sin. Any advice?

  • Angie

    Sex can be a very tricky thing. It is very different for men than women. Women need to hear and feel they are special and men generally just need the act. A lot of men don’t realize that a woman needs to feel special to be turned on, she needs foreplay and thoughtfulness and that you desire her. Some men seem to be under the impression that women can be turned on instantly but we are not the same. We need to feel a strong emotional connection. So if you find your wife is giving you the “hurry up you have 5 minutes attitude” you are not meeting her emotional needs. I know I feel this way sometimes when I have had a long day of working and then coming home and cleaning the house and cooking supper. And my husband has spent all day at home relaxing and sleeping. So by the time it comes around to bedtime I am far from being turned on and it feels like another job.

  • colleen

    i feel the exact same way and any advice would be great… we have no cheated on each other but were pressured into getting married… there is also a huge age gap he is 48 and i am 32. we need advice also

  • Unhappy

    OK….. here goes, because this is a Christian forum…I can trust and advice…. my husband and I have been Married 16 years. for about the last 10 years he has not done things during sex that he did earlier in the marriage. to sum it up….I get one quick kiss when he drops me of at work…. one peck when he picks me up at work… and maybe one peck when he goes to bed…. during sex, His lips do not touch me in any way or fashion… Nothing….I so crave intimacy…..I am 57 and he is 62….I understand her is not 18… if the act of sex is less when you get older I can accept that if I was held, kissed and had even a fraction of his attention…. he doesn’t compliment my looks…I do not feel in any way that I am desired in any way….. he is a good friend.. but I need a husband…I have went back to school ( online as I have a full time job) I have recently started a small business creating jewelry from recycled bottle caps… And I have started reading historical romance novels… In my defense of reading romance novels….I crave the love that is depicted in them… Yes the lady is a knock out and the guy is Adonis… but that isn’t reality. but I hang onto the truth ( with a death grip) that the love and devotion and intimacy and desire is real. I find myself more and more staying up incredibly late (2 or 3 am) so that I don’t go to bed at the same time and just end up silently crying in my pillow…. Divorce is not an option….I will not do this again…..I have been married before. So far I am finding if I Distance myself from him…. it hurts less….. Yes we have talked about it. But apparently I am not worth the effort, which has done nothing for my self esteem…… Any advice? PLEASE?

  • P

    I understand of cleaning, wash dishes and laundry. I do that faithfully. She comes home saying that she is tired. She works in a office and I work out on the field constantly everyday. I am very stressful and its getting to me. I’m ready to leave because I don’t want to cheat and I don’t have the desire for it. I am sexually deprived. I just rather be single and ready to mingle. I feel she don’t care about my needs. So I check sites and handle my business but its not the same. I’m at a point to say I’m done.

  • Verbal Mrytle

    Well trying being married 9+ years and going 3 years without!!! Yes I said 3 years!!! UGH!

  • Unhappy

    I am sorry to hear of your dilemma…… does he do they things to make you feel wanted and needed? I think my husband could be having the same problems, although he won’t talk to the Dr about it…..I have asked him too…. but my husband shows NO other affection….. sex is just that sex… when we have it…. it is in no way an account of his love for me….. He knows what I like and don’t like…… but chooses to do nothing… wham bam thank you ma’am. now he’s expects me to do everything that I did when we got together..and I do…. but I am tired of being the only one purring forth effort…..
    Have you sought out counseling for yourself? I am thinking of doing that myself…… keep us informed how you are doing…. Sending prayers your way……

  • Unhappy

    I would be interested in that answer myself….. this is my husband…. no hugs. no kissing….. no foreplay…. just sex.. that is when we have it…I am so desperate for intimacy but he doesn’t seem interested…. or I am just not worth the effort… ;(

  • Cindy

    I wish my husbnd would read this he feels sex isn’t important in a marriage. Right now it’s almost null and void. We’ve only been married for a little over a year. The sex was great when we first started seeing each other and declined after we got married.

  • Cindy

    Marc, I totally sympathize with you. I was married for 14 years to a man who was very much like that. It ended in divorce but not before many years of crying myself to sleep, wondering what I did wrong etc. My advice to you – get some marriage counseling, I doubt that it is just about not desiring sex. We didn’t go to counseling until it was way to late and it didn’t work, I am way better off now (there were other issues for us too) but I recommend going to a Christian marriage counselor A.S.A.P.


  • Lauren

    What about in a case like mine where I am pregnant and had to get a cerclage placed in to keep me from having my baby too early, so my doctor said absolutely no sex? I still have until September when he is due. My husband is also currently out of state for another month and I only see him on weekends, and he gets upset calling me a hermit because I am on modified bed rest and can’t go out to really do anything… the complains that I’m not intimate anymore when he knows why I’m not.

  • Jerry

    No advice, but I am in the same boat. Married 40 years and will not consider divorce. Very frustrating living with a partner who does not care about your needs. She has never left any of our sexual encounters with her needs not met, however, she avoids them continually. so far prayer and loving participation have not worked.

  • Mariz Ackerman

    You should find a way to have a one on one talk with her. Let her know how you feel, im sure she’ll realize her obligation to you. Sometimes, girls need to be reminded, especially when she is distracted. Please talk to her.

  • Mariz Ackerman

    Thats so sad, I understand how you feel. Why dont u try to express to him more how much u love him? Write a letter for him everyday, say u love him, bring him breakfast on bed, go ask him for a date, bring him to places that u both used to go, hold his hand everytime u walk together. Im sure that will help to make him be expressive on how much he loves u :)

  • Amanda

    I have to agree it starts before the night time…my husband tells me I’m beautiful everyday (even when I don’t look it)…when I got married I was told the advice to not withhold sex from your husband…though it freaked me out then I get it now…it’s about love and connection…and fun;-) and it keeps your marriage strong. Using sex as leverage causes resentment which can never end well.

  • Tammy

    Dated 5 years before marrying, did have sex before marriage, married 27 years. We rarely have sex and when we do it is with my encouragement. My husband and I do a lot together, just not in the bedroom. We have gone to 5 different marriage counselors throughout our marriage. Sex has been used by my husband as an expectation in a marriage, for me it is a sharing not a chore. I am lonely since he has no need to share in this with me. Maybe he is going through something but I tire of always being the one to enter into this discussion with him.

  • Sarah

    I’ve got a husband who doesn’t really do anything around the house to help me out in any way.. I more like his maid to him, which keeps me from wanting to have any sex with him, I’ve expressed how i feel about this to him and nothing has changed..

  • Lisa

    What do you do when it’s YOU who doesn’t care for sex? I know my husband hates that I’m this way and I see it affecting our marriage. We’ve been married 7 years. A year or two into our relationship he started withholding. He said it was because we were always arguing so he wasn’t feeling it. Then, it was fine. And now, 3 children later, its lacking again.He gets very upset bc he says I seem uninterested. It is true. Now, I stay home with our children while my husband works a LOT, so often I feel alone. When he is home he preoccupies himself. I’m constantly feeling like a single mom bc I’m always fending for myself with housework and the kids, even when he’s home. I’ve told him my feelings on this and he says he will work on it but he never does. I know this is why I don’t feel up to sex but don’t know how to get HIM to show the initiative to fix the issues so I will feel more intimate towards him.

  • angie

    just wondering…are you turning her on? I can speak from experience that I have felt like she does ocassionally, but not for lack of want to have sex with my husband, but because he isnt “hitting the spot”….I have tried for almost 7 years to let him know what turns me on, bet he hasn’t quite caught on yet….maybe you can take one night and just plan to focus on her and what she wants and needs. dont give up if she doesnt come right out and tell you, keep asking and trying. and pay attention to her responses to what you are doing..even if she isnt vocal, you should notice if she is enjoying something..

  • Cheryl


  • Guy who’s in this situation….

    I’ve been married now 8 years….
    so…what’s the “cure?” When we were dating we had sex pretty regular, 5-6 times or more per week,then we got married and it was like a switch almost. It was like every excuse under the sun to NOT have sex…headache, Family is visiting, etc. Almost 100% of the time when I “start”…I get shot down like a WWII Bomber.
    She says, if I do more romance stuff…then I would get more sex (shoot…it’s been almost 6 months…and the 5 or so years before that it was like 1x per month). I have tried the dating thing with her (gladly went to musicals like “Hairspray” and even HAD FUN with her there…) and nothing, we even had a babysitter for the kids specifically for “that reason”…but nothing, nada, zip zilch.
    I feel like I am trying but there is NEVER any kind of “return”…so why try. I always get the speech about how men and women are different in regards to sex. For me, I don’t think that I am being unreasonable. I think that a married couple can and should have sex 2-3 times per week. Before you go say “what a jerk,” I get that people get sick and sometimes it just isn’t going to happen but, if a married couple has sex 2-3 times per week, that is not an obscene amount of sex. So, what the heck do I do? I get told no at every turn, therefore I don’t want to “date”, which leads to more getting told no etc etc. I feel stuck, i have 2 great kids. I WANT to be with my wife and of the 3 billion women on the planet, the ONE person that should want to have sex with me…doesn’t.

  • Frustrated

    This is very frustrating. My husband was bi before we got married. He vowed to change and commit to me fully. 3 months into our marriage I caught him having conversations with other guys. He swears nothing ever happened but I have a problem with trusting now. As for the sex, there hasn’t been any in 4 months he claims medical issues. We haven’t even made our 1 year anniversary yet.. What do I do?

  • Lindsey

    Have you ever read or heard about the book “The Five Love Languages”? Perhaps your spouses needs for intimacy aren’t being met– and I don’t mean just physically. This book/concept explores the different ways people feel loved. Some people feel most loved when they receive gifts. Some feel most loved when they are OFTEN told that they are loved and appreciated or complimented (You did a great job fixing the toilet. It works like it’s brand new!). For some, physical touch makes them feel most loved. Some view quality time as a message of love (watching TV together, going for walk, etc). And others feel most loved when others do nice things for them (helping with housework). If you communicate in your spouse’s love language, you might see a difference. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

  • Lindsey

    I’ve tried telling my husband clearly what I wanted, and it just made me feel like we were going through the motions– it didn’t feel spontaneously intimate, and not a turn on.. So telling men plainly doesn’t always work. I can appreciate that men feel frustrated that women aren’t clear about what they want (in anything, not just sex), but this is what a woman wants: For a man to sense what she wants. I know that just puts us right back in square one, but a woman may not be able to communicate what she wants, verbally, or she may not even have a clear understanding about what she wants. She just knows that what is happening now is not satisfying.

  • k

    I have the exact sameproblem with my spouse. Idk what to do we have sex like once a month since marriage and only after a month of me complaining we dont have it enough.

  • Lindsey

    I would say it is wrong. Sex is between a man and a woman, and your spous is seeking sexual pleasure without you. Even if you are on his mind, you are not receiving anything out of it. Sex is a relationship gift, not an individual gift.

  • Lindsey

    From the biblical perspective, infidelity isn’t just about seeking sex outside of your marriage. It is about the integrity of your heart. Watching pornography is wrong and destructive to God’s design for marriage, whether you see it now or not. It communicates to both you and your spouse that your spouse is insufficient in satisfying you, because you are looking to be sexually intrigued by something other than your spouse.

  • Lindsey

    Please know that I am responding in love. Sex outside of marriage is wrong (and I’m sure you know that), so if you want to be in rightstanding with God [in this area], you need to practice self control. Even though you know you plan to marry, sex was designed as a marriage covenant, period. If you are not satisfied with your relationship with your boyfriend without sex, then perhaps you should not consider marrying him.. it sounds like much of your relationship is based around sexual satisfaction, which won’t be enough to hold a marriage for long. My advice would be to talk to your pastor or someone in a position to offer spiritual advice. I know it is awkward and embarrassing and unthinkable, but honestly, it won’t surprise them to hear that a college student struggles with sex. They have been there. Remember, the temptation isn’t the sin. Also remember, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God, so don’t feel like your confession is weakness. The confession and repentance is what brings us salvation. When I was in high school/college, my husband (boyfriend then) struggled with this area and we talked to our pastor together. That didn’t make our feelings for each other go away, but it helped us to have some accountability.. and yes, it was embarrassing. Since we had difficulty controling it and knew we would be together forever, we went ahead and married in college. We would rather struggle together financially than sin against God.

  • Megan

    This is SO TRUE!

  • Anonymus

    Hello all. This is awkward for me to talk about, but my husband and I have been having a few issues. We’ve been together for just over two years total and married for nearly one. We started having sex very early in our relationship. I’ve been a believer my whole life, and my hubby got saved shortly after we got together. A few months into our relationship, we moved in together. We got a huge amount of backlash from the church community here. We felt guilty about having ever been intimate and we just stopped. Since we stopped back in the October before we got married, sex is a huge struggle for us. In our whole marriage, we’ve maybe had sex fifteen times. I think we’ve just come to the understanding that sex is wrong and we can’t seem to get the stigma out of our heads. He says sex feels gross to him now. On top of all that, he watches porn all the time and is constantly making sex jokes about the attractive women we know, my boss included. We love each other and we’ve been progressing in almost every area of our lives, except physically. Most of the time, neither of us think about it, but whenever I ask, he’s “not in the mood.” We can both feel an underlying tension in our relationship. In addition to that, an old boyfriend of mine (the only one I’ve remained friends with) has recently come back into my life. He and I broke up not for any relational issues, but because of differing beliefs. He is atheist, and I am Christian. There are still feelings between us and I am worried that it could develop into an affair. I haven’t been attracted to any other men in the two years I’ve been with my husband, but in the last month, I have been. I’ve started noticing other men and comparing them to my husband. I’ve been praying, and my husband and I had a conversation about it all, but we don’t know how to reinvest into each other. We’re trying, but we’re afraid of just making things worse. I am afraid of getting so frustrated that I lash out and have an affair. If any of you have been in this situation and fixed it, what have you done? Our counselor is away in Florida for 6 months, and I don’t know if I can control my frustration and fear that long. We are not comfortable with anyone else right now. What would you advise?

  • Cindy

    It doesn’t matter what other opinions are since everyone is different. What matters is that it bothers you, so it’s an issue that needs to be fixed!

  • Brittney

    There are other ways to please each other, other than just sex. I don’t think you’re being selfish for feeling like that, that is totally normal. I’ve been in a similar situation. However, being as this is something that he can’t help and didn’t ask for (and I’m sure it’s just as hard for him) you have to continue to love and support him (not saying that you don’t). As you stated, that falls into the “sickness and health” part of your vows, and I’m sure you would hope he would be the same way if the tables were turned. Hold him instead if he can’t hold you, lay your head on his chest, I’m sure ya’ll can come up with a creative way to keep the affection. Keep praying and keep the faith, God will bring you through it. I will also say a prayer for ya’ll. :)

  • Anonymous

    Matthew 5:27-28 – “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

    Using this verse, one can argue that by watching porn, you have already committed adultery. If you are using the porn to help yourself “please yourself” then it is the porn that allows you to “complete the job”. You are lusting after the people in the porno and what they are doing, if you weren’t, then it wouldn’t help you to “please yourself”.

  • Broken Angel

    What do you do when the lack of sex is due to infidelity? You try to push the images to the back of your mind but because you have seen visually seen it when you close your eyes you can picture it. You can hear it! What do you do? Is there a way to move forward or am i fighting a losing battle? He feels i should move past this but i cant kiss him sometimes or touch him it sickens me.

  • EFP

    Hello, I am new to this site and I find it very informative, and feel I am not alone with my feelings. I recently tried to express my feelings to my husband about porn. He has been watching porn on his phone for quite a few months now. It bothered me but I didn’t say anything. One evening we were getting ready for bed and I walk out of the master bath and he is laying in bed watching porn on his phone. He said I am getting ready for you honey. I can’t even explain how this hurt me and still hurts me. I didn’t say anything that night I just kept it all bottled up inside. One day last week I had a special night for him, and once again I walk out of the master bath he lying in the bed watching porn. At this point I could not longer hide the hurt, anger, betrayal. I am at a loss, we have been married for almost 3 years and I just don’t know what to do. Please everyone give me your comments good with the bad. I need some advice as to I am feeling my marriage is coming to an end. I can’t take much more.

  • Cliff

    Marc do you pray? Do you thank god for your wife just taking care of the home (not house) the cleaning, cooking, the sex you do have and grateful for it? It took me twenty seven years to realize that I needed to do that, I now do it every day! I pray for her more then I ever do. Start out praying that God will help you. Then, treat your wife the way she wants to be treated and maybe she will show you the way you want to be treated. Good luck I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. We love you guys as a sister and brother through Christ our Lord and Savior. In Jesus name Amen
    Cliff and Linda

  • Cliff

    Try this site it help me and Linda to see what each of us. well you’ll see here’s the site. Go to this site together don’t go look at it then get your wife LOOK TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

  • Cliff

    Well anonymous I really don’t think anybody’s going to give you just one opinion. I think you’re going to get several different opinions so I would say since it’s going to be so many different opinions your best bet is 2 actually just talk to your husband about pleasuring himself. Let him know it bothers you and tell him why. Don’t leave anything out. You 2 must bring be open about everything or it will not get fixed.

  • EGM

    I’ve been married for 4 years. My husband and I are still young. We’re both just 37. Haven’t had sex in over 18 months at all. Before that it was maybe every 2-3 months but I always had to initiate it. I stood by him during a very difficult time and I have been more than patient. But I’m at the point now where I feel like I’m not a priority. My needs are not a priority to him. I’ve have been faithful and patient and I have communicated this to him several times. I’ve prayed about it every day. Now, I’m to the point where I’m feeling like I don’t have a marriage and I don’t know if my heart can take the rejection anymore. I love my husband but I don’t see myself spending the next 30 years this way. I’m lost.

  • Mandy

    I realize may not get any advice on this at this point but I had to put it out there. My husband and I have been married for 17 years together for 19. I love him dearly. Love him so much. We have a 2 year old son who he is an amazing father to. There is nothing not to want about my husband. Unfortunately, I have no deist for sex. We rarely have sex and I’m ok with that. It’s not for lack of him wanting it. He wants axe all the time. Thing is his foreplay consists more of groping than caresses. He is very sensitive when I try to talk to him about things. He gets defensive. So I’ve avoided talking about it with him. Doesn’t help that I grew up in a home where sex was a taboo subject. You didn’t talk about it, you didn’t do it. Early in our marriage our sex life was great. First 5 -6 years and it’s been a downhill slope ever since. He’s always the one to initiate sex. Partly because I’m not comfortable doing it and partly because when I do he makes comments about the fact that I did. Nothing bad. Just “what got into you” or “what was that about”. Which really doesn’t help with my comfort level. I’ve told him that this makes me uncomfortable but he still does it. So I just quit initiating, even when I really want to have sex. Not sure what to do. If anyone happens to read this, some advice would be great.


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