When Jesus Journaled About Me, Here’s What He Said

Let’s face it, y’all.  It’s easier for us to believe that God is a pissed-off, hot-tempered, sandwich-board-wearing fire-bringer than a kind, compassionate, slow-to-anger, grace-bringer.

This morning I was trolling through an old journal and I found an interesting entry I wrote this past February.  At the time, I was attending a Spiritual Formation retreat with 18 other Directors within InterVarsity from across the country.  During a time of reflection we were asked to journal what we Jesus may journal about us & vice versa.

Essentially, we were answering Jesus’ age old question: who do you say that I am?  In reverse.

Bit’o’history: 2011 was probably one of the worst years of my life.  I made so many mistakes.  I hurt so many of the people I love most.  I wondered and equally feared my place in this world.  I made earth shattering accusations against myself and didn’t feel I deserved love, grace, mercy or hope. I came so ridiculously close to giving up.  I even found a way to berate myself over temptations I had but never actually followed through on.

Oh, Lawd, I was a hot mess.  I am still a hot mess, just a tiny bit less.

Before my life fell apart at the seams I could talk all day about God’s love or yap about God’s grace but until last year I had the nerve to believe I actually had something to do with it.

Last year, at 35 (I know, I know, so mid-life, so cliche’) I’d come to the end of my rapidly fraying rope.  God’s grace was finally revealed as my absolute only and final option to grasp onto. I wonder if we can’t really believe in God’s love & grace and allow it inform our decisions until we fundamentally believe we are unworthy it.   If I ever believed myself unworthy of anything or anybody it’s been in this season of life.

Well, like any good mid-life crisis it spilled over into this year, and honestly maybe it’s not done with me yet but I have better glimpses of the light at the end of this dark passage I’ve been traveling.  That’s all anyone wants right?  A better view.

What I wrote is a such a reflection of what I was going through at the time.

A DIFFICULT exercise to do and through tears, this is what I —back in February— imagined Jesus *might* journal about moi:

“Grace.  Oh boy, she’s lots of fun.  She’s a fighter, she’s strong and that’s because she’s always tried to find her strength in me.  I’ve made her to be a strong communicator and an influencer so it’s natural that people follow her leadership even as she stumbles and bumbles.  I love her as a leader.  She’s a lovely girl inside and out but she’s marred by life.  A bit broken, but  I see her desperately fighting to redeem it all through me.  I am proud of her.  I love her.  I pray for her!  Sometimes, I don’t know what I’m going to do with her, but I know I have her heart.  Grace is…she is my beloved.  I love her just as she is.”

And what I said back:

“Jesus, you are my savior.  You are my life.  You are my everything.  I don’t have anything outside of you that I want to hope in.  I’ve built the majority of my adult life trusting you as a person who died to pay the debt of humanity.  Crazy as it may seem, I fundamentally believe that.  So yeah, I am trying to live e’ryday in light of that truth…the idea that I can actually live and move and have life through you.  And that I can actually know God and be known by God.  That through you Jesus, there is peace, forgiveness, hope, love and joy amidst this nearly unbearable journey called life. Jesus, you are the foundational core of my being.  You are the one who has loved and affirmed women.  You defend us women and you are our God.  So who do I say that you are Jesus?  I say you are the hope of the world.  I say you are the only hope for all humanity to find any sort of peace, reconciliation or hope.  You are what keeps the earth itself held on its invisible & inexplicable axis!  You are the King of the world, and the only thing holding me, just the like earth, in its place.”

What do you think Jesus would say about you?  And who do you say that He is?  Would love to know your thoughts!

In other news…I’ve put off writing a blog post about why I left ministry and where I’m at now.

Finally, I’m enough on the other side of hope, and I’m ready to talk.