WE KNEAD REAL NEWS: The Washington City Paper‘s cover story this week is about bread. No, really. Bread. Fancy schmancy bread, and why D.C. residents are oppressed by big chains who deprive us of yummy fancypants bread like they have in New York City.

Here’s a pull-quote [!]: “‘You can get better sourdough boules in the San Francisco airport than you can here. And that stuff is for tourists!’ —bread aficionado Lucy Bisognano”

Look, I’m basically a big City Paper booster. I landed an internship there in 1998, and it was a great experience–the level of journalistic integrity and hardcore newshound-ness in that office was exhilarating. But what’s up with this whiney overfed article? We’re not New York! They’ve got some stuff we haven’t got! Stop the presses!

For the record, here are my nominations for Six Things That Would Have Made Better Cover Stories:

* Mayor Williams’ plan to “anchor” decaying neighborhoods by attracting showy building projects. Won’t work.

* Welfare reform: Has the District reformed? What’s happened?

* (especially given events in New York) Inside a crisis pregnancy center

* (similarly) Inside an abortion clinic

* Marion Barry: We found the snow of yesteryear!

* Blelvis, The Black Elvis.

Anything’s better than yuppie bread.