This past week has been a major victory folks. With Indiana passing a law that gives us the right to refuse to sell our cakes to gay people, there are now close to 20 states where we can look our gay citizens in the eyes and say, “no cake for you!”
While I was celebrating this great victory of ours, the Lord laid it on my heart that gay people aren’t the only people we should deny cake to. This got me pretty excited, because I really enjoy saying “no cake for you!” and this will give us ten more areas where we can arbitrarily apply principles from the bible to our businesses, instead of playing by the basic societal rules that make commerce fair for everyone.
Here are the other ten areas where I hope we can all band together and start standing up for our right to be biblically consistent in who we discriminate against– let us be bold! Effective immediately, we need to smile and say “no cake for you!” to the following ten people:
10. Career minded brides-to-be.
Let’s make sure we start asking brides what they intend to do after the wedding. The bible is clear- women should be “keepers of the home.” If the bride is career minded or dislikes housework, just tell her “no cake for you!” because you wouldn’t want to endorse a lifestyle that goes against God’s created order.
9. When they’re gluttons or over-eating will take place at the wedding.
Over-eating is a very serious sin, my dear brothers and sisters. Since it is by definition greed, and the Bible calls greed idol worship, we need to make sure that we are not endorsing idol worship. If you have any second thought about this couple over-eating (worshiping idols) you need to refrain from participating in their sin- just say, “no cake for you!”
8. Weddings where there will be drunkenness.
As the brave Christian patriots have argued in the gay wedding cake situations, you need to remember that selling a person a cake is a direct endorsement of their wedding. You’ll want to make sure no one invited to the wedding will be getting drunk (over .08 BAC in most states), because drunk people go to hell, and you don’t want to endorse a behavior that automatically gets people sent to hell.
7. Individuals getting remarried who do not have biblical justification for a prior divorce.
This one is easy but serious- one can only get divorced for two reasons: (a) the other spouse committed adultery, or (b) one was married to an unbeliever who abandoned the believing spouse. Those are the only biblical justifications for divorce, and anything other than those two scenarios means that remarriage will be adultery and fornication. You don’t want to endorse that do you?
6. Weddings where there will be unwholesome music and provocative dancing.
The Bible is clear that no unwholesome talk should come out of our mouths, but that’s pretty much what dance music is these days. To make matters worse, folks will often “bump and grind” or “twerk” on the dance floor to this unwholesome music. Remember, if you sell them a cake, you are directly endorsing all of the unwholesome music and sexually provocative behavior that will happen in that ballroom. Don’t take the chance folks– just say, “no cake for you!”
I know it’s fun to use those military cake toppers, but that’s a n0-no folks. The Bible clearly states in Deuteronomy 24 that a man cannot serve in the military during his first year of marriage. If you sell a cake to that young military couple, you will be endorsing a lifestyle that is directly rebelling against God’s inerrant word. Don’t do it! No more military wedding cakes.
4. Weddings where one spouse-to-be works at a bank.
The Bible in Ezekiel makes it clear that charging interest on a loan is an abomination and that such a person should be put to death. If your customer works at a bank, they are an abomination to the Lord (for the Lord changes not) and you don’t want to endorse an abomination, do you? Refusing to endorse abomination is what this movement is about– so don’t forget those bankers!
3. Mixed faith weddings.
Remember folks, the Bible tells us we must not be “unequally yoked.” That means you need to find out the faith background of the couple you’re selling a cake to. If one is a Christian and one is not (or say, if one is a real Christian but the other is a fake Christian like an Episcopal), you need to boldly say “no cake for you!” — and should probably throw in a solid “repent ye!” as well.
The only thing worse than an unequally yoked couple is a couple where both of them are part of a false religion, or worse, atheism. Did you know that by selling a cake to a Hindu you’re actually endorsing the worship of Shiva and all the other Hindu gods? It’s true- you are. Same with selling a wedding cake to atheists- it’s basically as if you’re saying, “yeah, Richard Dawkins is right.” We need to be BOLD for the Lord, because if we sell cakes to atheists, Hindus, or God forbid, a Muslim, we are endorsing that entire belief system.
1. Weddings where the bride will wear an expensive wedding dress.
Finally, before you sell someone a cake, you need to look at the receipt for the wedding dress and make sure that it wasn’t expensive. Why? Well, Paul clearly states that women should not be adorning themselves with expensive apparel, and an expensive wedding dress would count. Just think about what you’re saying if you sell her a wedding cake: you’re saying that Jesus was a liar, because Jesus inspired Paul and Paul said that women shouldn’t have expensive clothes. You don’t want to call Jesus a liar do you? Far better it is to say, “no cake for you!”
It is my hope and prayer that we will have the courage to apply the bible consistently to our businesses instead of just the selective, hypocritical bigotry that we’re so eloquently expressing currently. Refusing to sell cakes to gay people isn’t enough folks- we need to have the courage to radically expand our discrimination as we apply the Bible to everyone but ourselves. Remember, Revelation says that cowards are all going to hell, so if you don’t stand up and start refusing service to all the people I listed, just know that you might burn for eternity over it.
* Obvious satire