Quick update: The piece below is satire (and was tagged as such from the outset), but a few people missed the memo. The Calexit ballot initiative, however, is not. You can read the detailed Q&A on the 2019 referendum initiative here.
I am writing to you in these tumultuous times to ask for your help with a very important work of mercy — a whole collection of works of mercy, in fact. Now before I make my plea, let me begin by thanking you for your hard work and dedication to the good of this country.
I have seen the fervor with which you have reacted to the news of a pending Calexit. Some of you have gazed in disbelief at the news reports. Can this really be happening? Is it possible for us to shed California without the assistance of a massive earthquake?? We have only to look across the Atlantic to know that such marvels can indeed come to pass.
But others of you, reading the signs of the time, have sprung to action in the quest for national harmony at this critical hour. You have sacrificed your November ammunition budget, or dug into your stash of gold coins, and contributed to collections for the building of a border wall across the desert and mountains of the western edge of what is often called “East California” but are actually American states known as Nevada and Arizona. You have shipped crates of Duck Dynasty t-shirts to be mounted on flag poles to help lost hikers identify the border where the wall is not yet complete.
That’s not all! You have gone door to door in your neighborhoods looking for stranded Californians and offering them space in the beds of your pick-ups for the long journey west. Many of your churches have participated in the “Baybound” alternate emergency bus company, canceling youth group holiday mission trips so that expats could be delivered home immediately, without having to stop at the bus depot in Reno and risk succumbing to second thoughts.
For all these works, you are to be commended. But now I beg of you, in your enthusiasm, not to forget those who need you most: Californians who wish to remain American citizens.
Please remember, in your charity, that there are residents living in pockets of the west coast who do in fact have the sense God gave a doughnut, and they assiduously desire to retain citizenship in a functioning democracy. This Sunday, churches and gun stores across the red states will be taking up collections to help these hapless victims of circumstance escape while there’s still time. Please be as generous as you are able.
During this collection, we’ll also begin organizing Transition Assistance Teams to provide mentoring and practical help to the refugees resettling in your area. Please consider whether would you be able to help with any of these important goals of cultural re-integration:
- Preventing new home buyers from falling for the deceit of unscrupulous price-gougers. Many Calexit refugees truly believe it’s normal to pay half a million dollars for a run-down two bedroom house in a bad neighborhood.
- Gently reminding newcomers that after they secure employment, they can look in the immediate vicinity of their new workplace for affordable housing. In the red states, the land around corporate headquarters is not strictly reserved to the executive class.
- Reviewing with refugees the content of certain important legal documents, such as The United States Constitution. Because of the system of Higher Re-Education in California, many young people have come to believe that they are supposed to respond to the peaceful transition of power by engaging in acts of vandalism. You will need to quickly nip that idea in the bud, or someone’s gonna end up getting shot.
Finally, I ask you to search your hearts and pray for guidance as to whether you can become a Desensitivity Coach. This important job is not for those who grow impatient when instant results are not possible. If you join this important ministry to suffering Calexit refugees, know that it may take months, years, even decades for your new neighbors to overcome a lifetime of dubious formation.
While it seems evident to anyone raised in a pluralistic society that it’s possible to hold differing opinions without thereby harboring visceral hate towards one’s opponent, Calexit refugees have not had the benefit of your upbringing. They must be guided through processes such as Not Requiring Everyone To Do Exactly What I Want Them To, and Respecting Actual Religious Belief, Not Just Slapping a Co-Exist Sticker on the Window of the Business We’re Shutting Down for Failing to Conform.
Many heartbreaking cases have been reported of Calexit refugees requesting they be fined or jailed and their property confiscated for failing to abide the local Opinion Police. Day after day you’ll have to read through the Bill of Rights with them, and explain that words mean what they say, and that we follow the law here.
But I have confidence in you! I have seen the diligence with which you’ve demonstrated your desire to resolve the Calexit situation peacefully, and I know that you will come through for your new neighbors in need.
Your Red State Friend
Map By Gage (2016 Electoral College map) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons. Recall, reader, that I trust Donald Trump about like I trust a ticked-off copperhead. But weirdly, that doesn’t make me want to give up on the US Constitution; it makes me want to see the rule of law followed all the more rigorously.