If you play wiffle ball on 4 July, here are the rules…

From WSJ, but only a selection:

1. The best Fourth of July Wiffle ball games do not start on time, ever. The Wiffle ball game that’s supposed to begin at 3 p.m. begins at 4:30 p.m., the 5 p.m. game begins at 6:45 p.m., and the 8 p.m. game never winds up happening because….well, mojitos….

3. Some people play Wiffle ball without running bases. But running bases is entertaining. So is getting an out by hitting the runner with the Wiffle ball. This makes the game more action-packed, burns more calories, and most important, introduces the amazing opportunity to legally throw something at members of your own family.

4. Yes, you can play Wiffle ball in the rain. What do you think this is, baseball?

5. It’s not a true Wiffle ball game until someone trips over a dog.

6. A meekly hit ground ball that doesn’t reach the pitcher is not an out in Wiffle ball—it’s just a strike. Anyone who insists otherwise is banned for life.

7. Bunting in Wiffle ball is a state and federal crime….

10. In baseball, a tie goes to the runner. In Wiffle ball, a tie goes to the homeowner.

11. Look, it’s fine—and common—to strike out in Wiffle ball. Don’t worry: The ridicule only lasts between 10 seconds and 40 years.

12. Just let Grandpa pitch one inning. All he wants to do is his Luis Tiant impression and then go inside and read his Lyndon Johnson book.

15. There’s only one proper way to play Wiffle ball at night: a dangerous number of house lamps, paired with a dangerous number of extension cords.

16. Yes, your cousin has a new BMW he’s very proud of, and yes, every hitter in this Wiffle ball game is aiming for it.

18. Little kids should always be encouraged to play Wiffle ball. You just have to accept that your left fielder is eating Cheerios from a Ziploc and your second baseman went back to the house to watch “Ratatouille” for the 900th time.

20. Catching a fly ball without spilling your beer is amazing. Catching a fly ball and throwing out a runner tagging from third without spilling your beer is automatic first ballot admission to the Wiffle Ball Hall of Fame.

21. Mid-game trades are allowed in Wiffle ball, but be careful: feelings can get hurt. No matter how much sense it makes at the time, you cannot trade your brother for a lawn chair.

23. No, your home run did not rip the Wiffle ball in half. The neighbor’s lawnmower did that.

24. Exciting news! There are more people at your Wiffle ball game than at a Marlins game.

25. The oldest rule of Wiffle ball: The person who has never played Wiffle ball before will end up getting the biggest hit of the game.

27. Do not take Wiffle ball seriously. You are an adult trying to hit a small piece of plastic with another small piece of plastic. But yes: Everyone knows you went 4 for 5 with seven RBI.

 

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  • metanoia

    Classic! Happy 4th to all of you out there.

  • Barb

    Sweet!