From The Onion:
CHICAGO—In the midst of heated debate over the installation of Wrigley Field’s first-ever Jumbotron, officials from the Chicago Cubs stressed Monday that the state-of-the-art screen will provide fans with a much-needed distraction from the team itself. “We will always do our utmost to retain the historic feel of America’s oldest ballpark, but the Jumbotron will give fans something to watch and actually enjoy during Cubs games,” said team owner Tom Ricketts, adding that the 5,700-square-foot screen, which would not obstruct the iconic center-field scoreboard, will show commercials, clips of television shows, and broadcasts of other baseball games from around the country. “Games can last over three hours, so we need to offer spectators something that will keep them entertained and take their minds off of whatever is happening on the field. Trust me, these people need this.” Reached for comment, Cubs manager Dale Sveum enthusiastically backed plans for the Jumbotron, telling reporters he is looking forward to finally having a good reason to attend home games.