By John Frye
Jesus as a Soprano
We’re having a little fun with the Woman at the Well story, presenting Jesus as various media figures. Last week it was Oprah. Today Jesus is one of the Sopranos. The dark clouds cast a cool shade around Jacob’s Well. Jesus and his boys are tired from the walk into Samaria.
Jesus: Yo, Mattie! You and Johnny take da boys inda town and get us some food, hey. No linguini with white clam sauce this time! None. I wanta da spaghetti wid da meata balls…and some cannoli. Capiche?
Mattie: Ah, come on, Boss, Jeez. We’re all worn out here. We gotta rest a little. Doan ya see that?
Jesus: You talkin’ to me? Are you talkin’ to me? What, are you def? Wha did I say? Now, get outta here and get us summit ta eat.
Mattie (mumbles to self): Alright, already…Jeez. [then to Jesus] Wattaya gonna do?
Jesus: Whatzit to ya? I’m gonna sit here and tink. ‘Szat all right wid you? I’m gonna get me some saalitude. Hangin’ oud wid you guys makes me crazy! Ma`ma mia!
Jesus is left alone. Even though the clouds shade the area, the hot surface winds blow dust about the well. A woman approaches. The woman startles at seeing Jesus.
Woman (loudly): Watta you doin’ sittin’ there like that?! Are youse hidin’? You scared the geewilligers outta me!
Jesus: I ain’ duin’ nuthin’. Jus sittin’. Szat alright wid you?
Woman: Why you all by yourself? Seems kinda strange ta me. You got no friends?
Jesus: Whatzittoya? Soozz, I’m by myself. No big deal, hey. But since you asked, Mattie, Johnny and da boyz–they went inda town for food. [pause] Hey, you got any water?
Woman: Hey, now, youse creepin’ me out here, fella. You some kinda big time Jew and all, and me, me, I’m just a lousy, low-life Samaritan woman. You wantta water from me? What’s up with that?
Jesus: Hey, I didn’t stutter, did I? I simply asked you for some watta. No crime in that, is there? And if you knew who I was, darlin,’ you’d be askin’ me for real water. Da real ting. Capiche?
Woman: So, big Jew fella, who are ya? And look at ya. For cryin’ out loud, how you gonna gimme water? Youse got no bucket or nothin’.
Jesus: Oh, I got water all right. I got real water. Holy water; like no water in Jerusalem or Samaria or nowhere.
Woman: You ain doin’ nothin’ illegal, are ya?
Jesus: Now, why’d youse go and say somethin’ like that? No way am I crossing some line. It’s all above the table, all the way. I’m resenting what youse said.
Woman: Gimme some of that water…C’mon, y’know, some a that ‘real’ water.
Jesus: Whoa, hold on there, little lady. Foist, you goes get your man and bring him here to me.
Woman: [hangs head] I ain got no man. I jus’ ain got no man.
Jesus: Whattaya mean you ain’t got no man? You gotta man. Oh, yeah, you gotta man, alright. You’ve had Vinnie, Rocco, Little Stevie, Mikey, and Bracco. And now you livin’ with Tony. Am I right? Tell me I’m not right.
Woman (shocked): How’d ya know?! Who are you, anyway? You got some snitch in town? You got no right to go snoopin’ ’round in my life.
Jesus: Hey, don’t get your robes in a bundle. Juz settle down! I ain ’bout to hurt you any or blab around about your love life. I ain like that.
Woman: Like I ask ya–just who are you anyway?
Jesus: I am the One you been lookin’ for aaaall your life.
Mattie, Johnny and the boys return. There’s spaghetti and meata balls all around.
Mattie (to Johnny): So. What’s wid Jesus talkin’ to the broad? Right here at high noon at this well no less?
Johnny: I dunno. I guess we coulda ask him. Whattayathink?
Mattie: I dunno, Johnny. Sometimes he just don’t seem right. Look at him. He’s not even touching his spaghetti and da meatballs. Sez he’s got food to eat we know nuttin’ about. Go figure.