Hello, atheists! Thanks for reading this! As you probably know, I’m a Christian. Wait! Come back! I won’t try to convert you! Even better: I (along with my incomprehensibly vast company of Christian readers) will actually listen to you. Oh, stop it. A Christian actually listening to you isn’t that rare. Now then, here’s my Big Question to you: As a zero-tolerance-for-God sort of person, how do you process your guilt? I promise I’m not being facetious, or playing any... Read more
If my friend Jaime Windon hadn’t done this to me, I wouldn’t be … having this be done to me. But she did. And I am. And … so here we are. So then. First, I guess, I’m supposed to post, right here, this, which I cut and pasted from her site: So I’ve been “tagged” and it goes something like this: 1. Post these rules before you give the facts. 2. List eight (8) facts about yourself. 3. At the... Read more
Okay, so I’ve now gotten a fair number of people asking me if I think there’s any chance Britney Spears will ever see the “open letter” I wrote her. Of course I have no idea. Seems unlikely, but anything’s possible. One thing that’s not in doubt, though, is the “six degrees of seperation” theory. Every person on earth really is connected to every other person on earth by six or fewer people. So. Like most people, I would like to do something... Read more
Dear Britney, Hi! How are you? Say, I was thinking: If you can possibly afford to, you should get out of show business now. I saw your performance on last night’s MTV Music Video Awards. It wasn’t … your most electrifying performance ever. But you know that. Not like our beloved media is about to let you forget it until … well, until you do something else they can start ripping into your flesh about. Which brings me back to... Read more
This is Pato Banton So the other night I went to see a concert by Famous Reggae star Pato Banton. Isn’t that the coolest name ever? Pato Banton. I wish my name was Pato Banton. One of his Pato’s big hits, titled “My Opinion,” features the refrain, “My name is Pato Banton.” So even he likes saying it. He likes singing it! I would too, if I were him. I’ve been trying to replace the lyrical, sonically touching, “My name... Read more
Yes, George’s original seven words are Definite Cursing. But so what? You hear half those words on TV all the time. Especially since Martha Stewart got out of prison. So I think Mr. Carlin’s list needs updating. Here, then, is my personal vote for Seven Other Words No One Should Ever Be Allowed to Say On Television: 1. Insider 2. Conniption 3. Diarrhea 4. Urantia 5. Matriculating 6. Sudsy 7. Gary Coleman Read more
A young man wrote me the other day to ask why God doesn’t once and for all prove his existence. Here’s my answer to that earnest seeker. (Yo! Danny! Do good in school! And don’t take drugs! And … well, actually, that pretty much covers it.) First of all, God did prove his existence; that’s pretty much the whole point of the Bible specifically and Christianity generally. So. Massively gargantuan point. But I know that what you mean is why doesn’t God... Read more
In response to a piece of mine (The Happiest Ending Ever), in which I told of my instant, out-of-nowhere conversion to Christianity, a reader named Sarah left me a comment. “But why do I need Jesus to change my life?” she wrote. “Can’t I do that on my own? Oh, and, what if I don’t want to change? What if I like who I am?” Guided by the Holy Spirit (and writing, in blog-style, fairly quickly), here’s what I posted back... Read more
The post you are looking for is included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. ) As per Amazon’s rules, content included in the Kindle Lending Library program... Read more
Be afraid, Martians!! Last night my wife Cat and I went to the largest outdoor concert venue in San Diego to see (in order of appearance) REO Speedwagon, Stray Cats, The Pretenders, and ZZ Top. Whoo-hoo! Rock ‘n roll! Except … older! Whoo-hoo again! By way of generally complementing my mostly silver goatee (which, many people don’t know, is French for, “Bleed less while shaving”), I wore to the concert my usual middle-aged hipster outfit of khaki pants, a Tommy Bahama... Read more
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