Yes, George’s original seven words are Definite Cursing. But so what? You hear half those words on TV all the time. Especially since Martha Stewart got out of prison. So I think Mr. Carlin’s list needs updating. Here, then, is my personal vote for Seven Other Words No One Should Ever Be Allowed to Say On Television: 1. Insider 2. Conniption 3. Diarrhea 4. Urantia 5. Matriculating 6. Sudsy 7. Gary Coleman Read more

A young man wrote me the other day to ask why God doesn’t once and for all prove his existence. Here’s my answer to that earnest seeker. (Yo! Danny! Do good in school! And don’t take drugs! And … well, actually, that pretty much covers it.) First of all, God did prove his existence; that’s pretty much the whole point of the Bible specifically and Christianity generally. So. Massively gargantuan point. But I know that what you mean is why doesn’t God… Read more

In response to a piece of mine (The Happiest Ending Ever), in which I told of my instant, out-of-nowhere conversion to Christianity, a reader named Sarah left me a comment. “But why do I need Jesus to change my life?” she wrote. “Can’t I do that on my own? Oh, and, what if I don’t want to change? What if I like who I am?” Guided by the Holy Spirit (and writing, in blog-style, fairly quickly), here’s what I posted back… Read more

The post you are looking for is included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. ) As per Amazon’s rules, content included in the Kindle Lending Library program… Read more

Be afraid, Martians!!  Last night my wife Cat and I went to the largest outdoor concert venue in San Diego to see (in order of appearance) REO Speedwagon, Stray Cats, The Pretenders, and ZZ Top. Whoo-hoo! Rock ‘n roll! Except … older! Whoo-hoo again! By way of generally complementing my mostly silver goatee (which, many people don’t know, is French for, “Bleed less while shaving”), I wore to the concert my usual middle-aged hipster outfit of khaki pants, a Tommy Bahama… Read more

Okay, so there’s a guy named Byron Borger, who runs a truly quality independent bookstore called Hearts & Minds in Dallastown, PA. I know Byron because on his store’s website he once named my book Penguins, Pain and the Whole Shebang as a Best Book of the Year, 2006. (Specifically, he tagged it as one of that year’s three Funniest Books. Bragging break! Part of what Byron wrote about Penguins was, “This pocket-sized hardback is funny from the outset … …. Read more

In response to some (lovely) e-mails I’ve received, I’d like to say that everything you read here about Penguins, Pain and the Whole Shebang is also true about I’m OK–You’re Not. Except these are the online places to buy I’m OK: Christianbook.com Amazon Barnes & Noble Thanks. Oh, wait! There’s more! Pretty extremely apropos of not entirely a lot, the paperback edition of Comma Sense just came out.  (Find some Major Comedy Yuks from that book at When Punctuation Goes Really,… Read more

New research into the romantic lives of famous men throughout history has verified what social historians have long suspected: eminent men have always tried to get dates, too. And now, thanks to the tireless research team working at Harvard’s James Q. Riddely Institute for Hornier Histories, we now know the pick-up lines some of them used when doing so. “Discovering the pick-up lines of history’s most important men has really been exciting,” says project leader Melvin Phinbone. “It was a… Read more

The post you are looking for is included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. ) As per Amazon’s rules, content included in the Kindle Lending Library program… Read more

Hi. I’m Lucas Smith. I promise I’m not Jack Bauer in disguise. Or a hippy serial killer. Hey, John Shore Readers! I’m not, nor have ever been, John Shore, but on those dark nights of the soul, I do comfort myself with the thought that perhaps I had a small something to do with a teeny-tiny piece of the big puzzle that brought John Shore to you all. My name’s Lucas Smith, and the publication of John’s first solo book, “Penguins, Pain… Read more




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