Woody Woodpecker Turns Manic Attack Bird, Pt. 5

If you’re just joining us, parts 1-4 of this thrilling saga about how Woody Woodpecker once attacked me and left me to die in the woods are here: 1, 2, 3 and 4

Now then: There I was, dying in the woods.

No, wait. First I was alive in the woods, hanging out in this meadow, eyeballing a nest in the Main Crook (quick: Name that president!) of a giant non-redwood tree.

So I decided to go check that nest out. Though young, I was nimble of brain–and here’s what my brain was telling me as I scoped out yon nest: “Look at that thing. It’s huge. I can’t believe that’s a nest. It looks like that old tree burped, and this was the disgusting result. Like trees burp. How stupid. Those talking, apple-hurling trees in the Wizard of Oz burped, though, for sure. Who knows how gross those trees got? Thank God for censors. Anyway, I’m gonna go look at that nest. I’ve got to go see what’s inside that thing. I wonder if it’ll be lined with anything? Probably with down and feathers. Duh. Talk about comfort. Wait–birds have down and feathers with them wherever they go.

“I wonder why you never see birds lying on their sides, enjoying all the down and feathers they’re totally surrounded with? Why are they always standing? If I was a bird, you wouldn’t be able to get me off the ground with a cattle prod. If I wanted to get somewhere, I wouldn’t fly or walk. I’d roll.

“No–I’d walk sometimes. Sometimes I’d walk ‘n roll!

“If someone alone in the woods laughs at their own joke, is that joke still funny? Yes. If a person finds any pun funny, has that person been alone in the woods too long? Yes. Anyway, I’m gonna go look in that bird’s nest. I don’t care about the Bird Alarm System. That’s for big birds. I’m not a big bird. I’m bigger than a big bird. I’m a human. Humans rule nature. All the birds will just stop, while I climb that tree and look into that nest. Plus, I know I put off Harmonious Human vibes. My fellow woodland creatures will just know that I don’t mean them or this nest any harm. They’ll know I come in peace. This’ll be good. This’ll work.”

So, I rose from my spot on the meadow’s edge, and boldly began my trek across the meadow toward the giant bird’s nest I’d been long regarding.

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • http://forums.coloradoan.com/viewtopic.php?p=25735#25735 nisperos

    Yeah, you must have found the Big Bird dinosaur from which all birds descended:
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19208580/

    Speaking of wildlife…

    My neighbor's tree… the limb which is SO dead but still got left by the neighbor's tree trimming contractor… now I love that thing because one day it had 2 woodpeckers pecking holes on it at the same time. I've also seen a red fox in my yard twice recently…

  • http://forums.coloradoan.com/viewtopic.php?p=25735#25735 nisperos

    I agree…

    Flora and Fauna are totally awesome parts of God's creation…

    Check out one of the great minds at CSU in Fort Collins: HOLMES ROLSTON III:

    "Rolston [ ] University Distinguished Professor at Colorado State and a Presbyterian minister, is one of the world's leading advocates for protecting the Earth's biodiversity and ecology in recognition of the intrinsic value of creation, including the ongoing evolutionary genesis in the natural world. In philosophical circles, he is widely known as the "father of environmental ethics." In theological circles, he is known for his concept of a sacred, prolific, yet "cruciform" creation… Rolston has won admirers in some unlikely places. While most philosophers would proudly include in their vita that they had been invited to deliver an address at the World Congress of Philosophy, as Rolston was in 1998, he is equally proud of his 1999 invitation to give a distinguished lecture to the Yellowstone National Park Scientific Conference on the conservation of wild nature. He has said he thinks it is as important to publish in the Journal of Forestry as in Ethics. "I am much encouraged to get a sympathetic hearing, often from those I might first have taken to be religion's cultured despisers." "
    http://www.templetonprize.org/news_rolston2003.ht

    c.f. http://lamar.colostate.edu/~rolston/

  • http://www.johnshorebooks.com johnshore

    Yeah, I SAW that story! Unbelievable. Thanks for the link. That’s definitely the best picture of that … cave-bird that I’ve seen.

    Foxes. That’s so cool. I used to have the weirdest, hooked/droopy nosed foxes around my … life/yard, once. They were just the weirdest looking animals I’ve ever seen. TALL, for foxes: long legs. Short hair. Thin. Long, droopy snout, tipped with a big black rubber-ball looking … nostril arrangement. Just the weirdest animal.

    Red foxes are soooo beautiful.


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