New research into the romantic lives of famous men throughout history has verified what social historians have long suspected: eminent men have always tried to get dates, too. And now, thanks to the tireless research team working at Harvard’s James Q. Riddely Institute for Hornier Histories, we now know the pick-up lines some of them used when doing so.
“Discovering the pick-up lines of history’s most important men has really been exciting,” says project leader Melvin Phinbone. “It was a lot of research, but learning how men so important to our culture tried to get dates has made me feel like a lot less of a geek. And that’s really, really important when you’re a researcher at Harvard.”
Published here for the first time anywhere are the pick-up lines of famous men throughout history that Phinbone and his team were able to identify.
Adam: Hi. I’m the only man on earth.
Noah: Wow. Some weather, ‘huh? Wanna’ ride?
Moses: You simply wouldn’t believe some of the miracles I’ve performed with my sturdy, trusty staff.
Confucius: Confucius say, “The path to higher wisdom often leads to right up under my gown.”
Buddha: Yes, rubbing my stomach will bring you good luck. And where should I rub you to bring me good luck, hmmmm?
Homer: Sleep with me, or I’ll bore you to death.
Socrates: Sleep with me, or I’ll confuse you to death.
Plato: Sleep with me, or I’ll prove you don’t exist.
Alexander the Great: Really? I’m called ‘the Great’? No, no, I didn’t know that. So tell me: what do the men call me?
Julius Caesar: I came. I saw. I’m asking.
Mohammed: None of my 722 wives or 423 concubines understands me.
Michelangelo: The Sistine Chapel was nothing, really. There’s just something about lying on your back and getting all filled up with inspiration, haven’t you found?
Leonardo da Vinci: What’s Mona Lisa smiling about? Well, let’s just say that I asked her to stop smiling that way before her husband came home.
Martin Luther: No, you don’t have to worry. Haven’t you heard? Turns out we wouldn’t have to go to confession at all!
Galileo: I’m the bearer of a magical and wondrous tube that, when fully extended, provides hours upon hours of heavenly revelry and unspeakable fulfillment. I also invented the telescope.
Sir Isaac Newton: Gravity, schmavity. Some things that go up can stay up, if you get my drift.
William Shakespeare: Maybe it is a codpiece, and maybe it ain’t a codpiece.
George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. That woman you saw me with is Martha, my sister.
Benjamin Franklin: There once was a fat guy from Philly/ Who was known for the size of his willy / The moment’s at hand / For you to expand / Your knowledge of that Philly’s willy.
Napoleon: Please go about your business. Don’t mind me on your leg.
Abraham Lincoln: I know that when you gaze upon me, you see little else besides my gargantuan nose, ears, lips, chin, cheekbones, and eyebrows. And my weird Amish beard. And my stovepipe hat. And my mournful expression. And my ill-fitting clothes. And my mole that’s the size of a tobacco plug. You know what? Forget it.
Vincent Van Gogh: I’ll tell you a sad story, if you’ll but lend me an ear.
Sigmund Freud: Do you mind, my dearest, if I smoke this massive, nasty cigar?
Alexander Graham Bell: Tell me what you’re wearing.
Thomas Edison: Have you ever heard the phrase “turn-on”?
Albert Einstein: If there’s one thing I know about time and space, it’s that right now, somewhere in the universe, you and I are humping like rabbits.
Adolph Hitler: Hi, I’m … come back!
Mahatma Gandhi: Hey, wanna’ see what happens when I undo this safety pin?
John Fitzgerald Kennedy: Next!
Richard M. Nixon: Wanna know the real reason they call me “Tricky Dick”?
Bill Clinton: You know, I just don’t know what I wouldn’t do right now for a really good cigar clip.