Famous men in history trying to pick up women

New research into the romantic lives of famous men throughout history has verified what social historians have long suspected: eminent men have always tried to get dates, too. And now, thanks to the tireless research team working at Harvard’s James Q. Riddely Institute for Hornier Histories, we now know the pick-up lines some of them used when doing so.

“Discovering the pick-up lines of history’s most important men has really been exciting,” says project leader Melvin Phinbone. “It was a lot of research, but learning how men so important to our culture tried to get dates has made me feel like a lot less of a geek. And that’s really, really important when you’re a researcher at Harvard.”

Published here for the first time anywhere are the pick-up lines of famous men throughout history that Phinbone and his team were able to identify.

Adam: Hi. I’m the only man on earth.

Noah: Wow. Some weather, ‘huh? Wanna’ ride?

Moses: You simply wouldn’t believe some of the miracles I’ve performed with my sturdy, trusty staff.

Confucius: Confucius say, “The path to higher wisdom often leads to right up under my gown.”

Buddha: Yes, rubbing my stomach will bring you good luck. And where should I rub you to bring me good luck, hmmmm?

Homer: Sleep with me, or I’ll bore you to death.

Socrates: Sleep with me, or I’ll confuse you to death.

Plato: Sleep with me, or I’ll prove you don’t exist.

Alexander the Great: Really? I’m called ‘the Great’? No, no, I didn’t know that. So tell me: what do the men call me?

Julius Caesar: I came. I saw. I’m asking.

Mohammed: None of my 722 wives or 423 concubines under­stands me.

Michelangelo: The Sistine Chapel was nothing, really. There’s just something about lying on your back and getting all filled up with inspiration, haven’t you found?

Leonardo da Vinci: What’s Mona Lisa smiling about? Well, let’s just say that I asked her to stop smiling that way before her husband came home.

Martin Luther: No, you don’t have to worry. Haven’t you heard? Turns out we wouldn’t have to go to confession at all!

Galileo: I’m the bearer of a magical and won­drous tube that, when fully extend­ed, provides hours upon hours of heavenly revelry and unspeakable fulfill­ment. I also invented the tele­scope.

Sir Isaac Newton: Gravity, schmavity. Some things that go up can stay up, if you get my drift.

William Shakespeare: Maybe it is a codpiece, and may­be it ain’t a codpiece.

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. That woman you saw me with is Martha, my sister.

Benjamin Franklin: There once was a fat guy from Philly/ Who was known for the size of his willy / The moment’s at hand / For you to expand / Your knowledge of that Philly’s willy.

Napoleon: Please go about your business. Don’t mind me on your leg.

Abraham Lincoln: I know that when you gaze upon me, you see little else besides my gargantuan nose, ears, lips, chin, cheekbones, and eyebrows. And my weird Amish beard. And my stovepipe hat. And my mournful expression. And my ill-fitting clothes. And my mole that’s the size of a tobacco plug. You know what? Forget it.

Vincent Van Gogh: I’ll tell you a sad story, if you’ll but lend me an ear.

Sigmund Freud: Do you mind, my dearest, if I smoke this massive, nasty cigar?

Alexander Graham Bell: Tell me what you’re wearing.

Thomas Edison: Have you ever heard the phrase “turn-on”?

Albert Einstein: If there’s one thing I know about time and space, it’s that right now, somewhere in the universe, you and I are humping like rabbits.

Adolph Hitler: Hi, I’m … come back!

Mahatma Gandhi: Hey, wanna’ see what happens when I undo this safety pin?

John Fitzgerald Kennedy: Next!

Richard M. Nixon: Wanna know the real reason they call me “Tricky Dick”?

Bill Clinton: You know, I just don’t know what I wouldn’t do right now for a really good cigar clip.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is co-founder of The NALT Christians Project and founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here). His blog is here. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • Elizabeth

    Ummm… It would be five….

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    WHAT would be five????

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Oh. Wait. Never mind.

  • nisperos

    Excuses and Warnings:

    Joan of Arc: So Burn Me at the Stake

    Molly Brown: Unlike the Titanic, I’m unsinkable

    Hedda Hopper: “Nobody’s interested in sweetness and light!”

    Annie Oakley: Always remember I’m an expert marksman

    Mother Jones: Only if you’ll join the fight “My address is like my shoes. It travels with me. I abide where there is a fight against wrong.”

  • Jeremy

    The brain child of my freind Ryan, of which I am pround to have contributed a couple:

    Top 10 Courtship Pick-Ups:

    10. “So I talked to your dad last night…”

    9. “I lost my phone number. Maybe through a purposeful relationship, we can find out if I’m supposed to have yours.”

    8. “Your Bible…or mine?”

    7. “We’re perfect for each other. Our parents have so much in common!”

    6. This one comes right out of the book of Song of Solomon, “You’re so, so, how can I say this biblically? Your teeth are like a flock of ewes that have come up from the washing…Your hair is like a herd of goats running down a mountain!”

    5. “Do your feet hurt? ‘Cause you’ve been running through God’s plans for me all eternity long!”

    4. “Let’s get our siblings together and go out sometime.”

    3. “I can’t wait to see what you look like at 50.”

    2. “Your modesty’s showing.”

    1. “My parents are back in town. Wanna come over?”

  • Elizabeth

    John –

    I read these to Hunky Hubby and he said Lincoln’s should begin, ” Fourscore… and if you came along …”

    (Keeping it clean… Fill in the blanks…)

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I’m afraid I didn’t quite get the joke with what you wrote here, but I can DEFINITELY tell you that the Lincoln one was the hardest. And yet, at the end, it was one of the ones with which I was most pleased.

    And (believe me) keeping it clean WAS the challenge with these.

  • http://totaltransformation.wordpress.com/ totaltransformation

    Great stuff. I really enjoyed them all.

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  • http://asad123.wordpress.com Asad

    Blackbeard: "Arrrgh you free Saturday night?"

    • Cassandra

      Or…

      Care to walk me' plank?

      OR

      Arrr, Now I know where I can bury me' treasure. (personal favorite)

  • http://lumuhuku.wordpress.com Dev

    OMG….really awesome…u have a really creative factory up there between ur ears ;-)

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Thank you very much, Dev. That's kind of you to say.

  • http://ricbooth.wordpress.com ric booth

    John Shore: Hey, wanna blog?

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Oh, sure, Ric. Laugh it up. But you know you're picturing me naked.

  • http://ricbooth.wordpress.com ric booth

    Thanks for the LOL op. I needed that.

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    I like it!

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  • http://comicprincess.blogspot.com comicprincess

    Thanks so much for sharing your humor! I just found your blog and I enjoyed reading other posts too. I laughed so hard at this post I printed it out and read it to my stand up comedy group. I heartily encouraged them to check you out. This also inspired me to write a post on possible pick up lines from fictional characters. Here’s the link if you’re interested in checking it out: http://comicprincess.blogspot.com/2010/03/59.html. Thanks again!!