How To Crash a Christmas Party

Ah, the Christmas season. What a great time for party-going! The problem is that it’s difficult to get invited to more than about two Christmas parties a year–one of which is always a work Christmas party, which, punch bowl or not, is pretty much exactly like going to work at night.

Either way, two parties in 30 days doesn’t say “festive season,” so much as it does “feasible siesta.” And that means that if you want to experience Maximum Holiday Cheer, you’re going to have to right now start crashing a party or six. And why shouldn’t you? Invitations are for people who know how to pronounce “radicchio” and/or  press their jeans. Besides, isn’t the whole point of a party to meet new people? So wouldn’t you automatically be helping out any party you crashed by being, for every single person there, a totally new person?

Yes, you would. You’ve heard the old saying, “Crash a party, save a party?” Oh, you haven’t? Well, then it’s obvious you need to get out more.

Now, as to party crashing methodologies (PCM’s). As a young and naive party crasher, I used to simply walk in the front door of a party I’d seen from the street and announce, “Hi, there! I don’t know anybody here–but I’m fun!” But in my experience, this PCM doesn’t really work; mainly, I’ve found that it makes people laugh confusedly before, as a group, they start pushing you back out the door.

Years of experience have taught me that the very best way to crash a party is by first sneaking into the party-house’s garage, and then entering into the house through the door that connects the garage to the kitchen. I just walk in, shake my head disappointedly, and say, “I guess there isn’t that case of soda out there. Oh well.” And I’m hanging with the cool people in the kitchen before you can say, “Hey, let’s look in this cabinet here!” (By the way, you wouldn’t believe how much good stuff people don’t put out at their parties. It’s so wrong. Except I’m not big on sharing, so it works out.)

What makes the Garage-to-Kitchen PCM so great is that the highest quality people at any party are always in the kitchen, because they’re the ones who: A. Are good-looking enough to be okay with the interrogation-quality lighting of most kitchens, and B. Possess the initiative and strength of character it takes to fully bypass the middle-man, and hang out at the very source of the party’s food and drink. So they’re good-looking, smart, and have all the food. If that doesn’t say Alpha Crowd, then my name’s not Jimmy Steele. Or Tony Rock. Or (a favorite) Jack Rippington.

Once, on a whim, I even used Rumplestilskin Jones–but it turned out the people at that party weren’t as drunk as I thought they were.

Anyway, must run. I feel I have more to say on the Party Crashing theme–and would love to hear your ideas and thoughts on this matter, which, given the time of year, I am sure is just now paramount on your mind.

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • Windyblue

    Here's the flip side.

    How to make a christmas party, be the boss who gives out christmas bonus. A boss who buy's his employee's a ham or turkey. Be the friend who invites a person over for christmas dinner, who has no place to go. Make up a food basket for the needy, and bring it over to there home. Take a name off the Angel tree at christmas and buy a child a toy, or some clothes. Go over to a nursing home and sing christmas carol's.

    Now John which is better, the party crasher who ruins every ones time or the one who blesses some one.

    • Tom Psillas

      The way companies treat people today, I would have to side with the party crasher. Keep on crashing!

  • LeeAnn

    Grand advise my man! I will be trying it out this season…and let you know how it goes.

    Another good way to enter, the backdoor with the "smoke break smokescreen". Even if you don't smoke. Light a cig (ps…if you aren't a smoker save money by relighting the same one over and over….just make REALLY SURE it's all the way out befor returning it to the pack….don't ask how I know). Get a little smoke on you and then enter the party with the phrase…"WOW..too cold for that habbit tonight!"

    Merry Crashing!!!

  • http://hoppingintopuddles.wordpress.com Michael

    Oh man…these are great. I'm too shy and insecure to crash parties though. Maybe after a drink or 8.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Um. Is this a trick question?

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Most extremely excellent. The smoking ruse! “Too cold for that habit tonight.” PERFECT!

  • samwrites2

    Where I work they cancelled the annual Christmas Party last year, so I started asking all my relatives and friends if they would take me to their parties. Didn’t work, but I did get a doggie bag of treats and cookies from one party. Scored a tray of ham from another party a relative invited me to because the host didn’t have room in their fridge and I was in the right place at the right time. At a newspaper I worked at several years ago, the publisher gave me not only a turkey but a side of venison. I think he felt bad for the wages he was paying me and knew I was supporting a family of four.

    So remember, right place at the right time, gush about how good all the food was while helping clean up and chances are you’ll leave with some of it.

  • http://odgie.wordpress.com odgie

    Sound advice as always, my friend. For your next post, do you think you could do one on weaseling out of parties you don't wish to attend?

  • Leif Sr.

    Dude, you are holding out on us. From your brief and hilarious discription, I know there’s plenty of party crashing experience that you haven’t told. Maybe a books worth! You could slip in a chapter about Santa Satan. What could be more holiday fun than that, right? Trust me on this one though, leave out the blog responses.

  • http://thedailycolumns.wordpress.com aniche

    You could call up and tip the cops there's going to be some major ass PCP use at the party!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Well … but, see, the goal here is to ATTEND a party, not … obliviate it.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com Skerrib

    I think we can look to Ferris Bueller for this one, Odgie…feign stomach cramps, and while you're doubled over lick your palms to create a nondescript clamminess.

    "Ohh, I don't think I can make it. But you go, honey, and have a great time."

    Bingo.

  • http://andrewminchew.wordpress.com andrew minchew

    but what about if you walk in and the garage DOESN’T connect to the kitchen? do you make a b-line for the kitchen, meander in, or split for the door because, what kinda crappy house doesn’t have a garage-kitchen connection?

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    This is SUCH A HILARIOUS QUESTION. Man, I have got to have THE funniest reader/commenters in the blogosphere. It’s just amazing.

  • http://dillsnapcogitation.wordpress.com johnnypeepers

    The kitchen entrance is a good idea. I used to jump over the back fence and tell anybody who saw me that I ran out of gas getting more beer for the party and got chased by a dog. I would even put a little slice in my jeans to lead some credibility to my statement.

    When I got in the house I would drop my ruphy-juice in the vodka bottle. Mostly it is the broads who drink it, and if dudes get a hold if it even better, I won’t have to smash them in the face when they catch me diddling their honies.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Um. Wow. Fun gone horrible.

  • http://busyshirts.com bernard borah

    Thanks for your blog.

    Heres my thoughts on crashing Christmas parties. What kind of party would Jesus want to crash? And what would He want for HIS birthday.

    One scripture comes to mind right away from Matthew 25 , “I was hungry and you did not feed me, depart from me into eternal fire.” If Jesus is going to send some people to eternal fire for not feeding the hungry, he must take feeding the hungry very seriously. So I’m thinking that one thing Jesus wants for his birthday is the hungry to be fed. 29,000 children die everyday (including Jesus birthday) from preventable poverty related causes and He would like this to stop. Christians in the United States spend about $100 billion buying Christmas gifts to friends and family whose birthday is some other day of the year.

    The U.N. estimates that for about $13 billion a year we could feed every malnourished person in the world. That’s only about one tenth of what Christians spend giving each other gifts on HIS birthday. Think of the possibilities! (For an online booklet on this subject see goodmeasure.org “A little more would change the world.”

    One idea to give Jesus a birthday gift can be found at busyshirts.com.

    Have a Merry Jesus Birthday.

    Bernard Borah

    bborah@gmail.com

  • http://savemenot.wordpress.com samanthamj

    hmmmm…. I’ve crashed a wedding reception in my day… but, never a Christmas party… I have too many freaking parties to go to this time of year already… matter of fact… I SHOULD be at a a really good one RIGHT now… but, I gave it up for my kids b-day party/sleepover tonight and big day tomorrow instead. Man… I bet they put on a good spread and open bar tonight too… I hope my son appreciates this!

    And, for the record… the wedding reception crash was a blast… but, eventually people were on to us… and we admitted we were actually suppose to be at the Greek wedding reception in the next ballroom over but their party looked like more fun. They let us stay anyway… even our husbands… We had a riot! =) LOL…

  • http://phfft.blogspot.com Ted. A. Thompson

    We crashed a party from a houseboat once. We were tethered out on the lake, saw action on the shore, and rode the jet ski over for a few hours of good food, drink and merry making.

    Unfortunately, we were told almost immediately to go back and jump in the lake by a bunch of buffed up guys half our age who could undoubtedly whip our babyboom butts. No food. No drink. No making merry. Should have worked out a better PCM, but hadn't read this article yet.

    Great piece, John, thanks.

    Ted A. Thompson

    phfft.blogspot.com

  • theunthinkable

    I'm sure no one wanted 2 hear ur thoughs on giving out hams, that's nice and all but doesn't compare 2 the rush of being a party crasher. u seem like you'd have a dead party anyway that would be in desperate need of a serious crashin.

    what's ur address since u want 2 feed the needy?

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com Skerrib

    With all this talk of feeding the hungry, it seems that you need to expand your audience a bit John. If you teach hungry people to crash Christmas parties, that could be quite beneficial. And perhaps a charity tax write-off for you. You know, the whole "give a man a fish/teach a man to fish.." thing. You could be the next United Way, man!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Man, these are the best. I had no idea party crashing was such a … THING! I didn’t know people really crashed parties! Too great!

  • http://www.barethoughts.com/blog tam

    Sigh. My parents have one of those crappy houses with no garage/kitchen connections. If you would like to crash their Christmas party via the garage method… I suggest you pretend ypu were downstairs checking the woodburner (the garage door leads to the basement) then walk up the stairs to the kitchen.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    This (Tam's) is SO FREAKIN' FUNNY!! I can't believe how funny people are. It sounds like you're just giving the most boring, plain, of-course-you'll-do-it-this-way advice. HILARIOUS!

  • http://anothersunnydayinhell.wordpress.com Nicholai

    The “Too cold for the habit” bit hit the spot just right, probably works really well if you say it with just the right amount of eccentric in your voice.

    Yah the garage is a great idea, but it isn’t always open. I always make sure to go down to Jons and buy myself a large 1 little bottle of 10 dollar vodka. I always get this one called Russian Shot, its fairly smooth for 10 bucks and says Russian on it. It also is a subtle psychological mark that anyone notices when I walk in the door, and assume that I have brought it as a gift for the host, when in reality I just drink and share with the good peeps of the party.

    So to recap, its shows authenticity(Russian Shot), gives the impression that I belong there, and allows me to bring my socialistic drink-sharing charm to the heart of the party.


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