New Year’s Resolution: Take Over the World

The hat I’ll soon be never taking off.

My New Year’s resolution this year is to take over the world. Whoo-hoo! I can hardly wait! By this time next year, I should be fully installed as Supreme Ruler of the World. (I’m also leaning toward the title of “The People’s King,” but we’ll see.) I’ve been meaning to take over the world for quite some time now, but with shopping and chores and all I’ve struggled to find the time. This year I’ll find the time. This year it gets done.

This year things get taken care of the way they should be.

I’m tired of TV commercials, for instance. So they’ll be gone. And also junk mail. Gone.

Pretty much all advertising, basically. I’ve had it with trying to be sold stuff. I’m surprised advertisers haven’t figured out a way to put ads on the insides of people’s eyelids. Well, soak up all the ads you can for the next seven or eight months. Because once I’m in, they’re out.

I have a plan for taking over the world, of course: I’m ambitious, not stupid. I know no one’s going to just hand the world to me. I understand these things must be done in methodical, ever-widening increments.

I’d share with you my plan for taking over the world, but it’s so good that once you saw it you’d try to use it to take over the world, and then I’d have to kill you. So you’ll just have to wait and watch how I do it.

I can, however, share a few things with you about my upcoming rule, so that, come the time, you might be less inclined to resist it.

The way I see it, the big problems facing mankind today fall within the realms of Politics, Religion, War, Poverty, and the Environment. Here’s a taste of how I’d address each of these major concerns:

Politics. From the minute my rule is instated, all politicians will be forced to get real jobs. Because I’ll be putting an end to all advertising, public relations, and marketing jobs, politicians will be qualified to do exactly. Luckily for them, though, part of my plan for the environment involves the harnessing of hot air. So I feel there’s a synergy there just waiting to work.

Religion. Everyone will have to be a Christian. I respect all religions, but ensuring world harmony means having only one. Since Christianity is my religion, it’ll soon be everyone’s. Why not? It’s got mysticism for the New Agers, One Supreme God for the Muslims and Jews, a sound and aesthetic philosophy for the Buddhists, a rational underpinning for the atheists. It’s perfect. Besides, what people hate most about Christianity is the way that Christians are always trying to turn everyone who’s not a Christian into a Christian. If everyone already was a Christian, that problem would be solved.

Can you believe what an awesome king I’m gonna make? Me neither!

War. Have you ever noticed that in wars you never see any soldiers fighting who are rich and fat? My plan to eliminate all war is to give everyone in the world so much money and food that no one will ever be angry enough about anything to put down their food, get out of their chair, turn off their TV, get dressed, and go fight. Poor and hungry people fight wars. Rich and stuffed people yell at each other, but they’re not about to do mud and foxholes. Plus, it’s extremely difficult to get rich people to follow orders. War problem solved!

Poverty. Within hours of my being named king, everyone in the world will be making exactly $200,000 year. Farmers, captains of industry, petty officers of industry, nurses, engineers, cops, teachers, Taiwanese mechanics, Finnish plumbers, Chinese car salesmen, German crosswalk guards: everyone in the world gets paid 200K a year. No more, no less. End of poverty.

Environment. Instead of cars, everyone will drive one of those cool little air vehicles from the old cartoon show The Jestons:

I know. I’m amazing. Life’s gonna be so great under me.

As I’m sure is plain to you by now, my being Supreme Ruler of the Universe is going to be the greatest things that’s ever happened to mankind.

Please be sure to keep an eye out for an upcoming mailer or email from me about the beginning of my rule. When given the option (and while you still have the option)  be sure to check the “Yes” box.

If you have any suggestions for policies or rules that I might adopt as King of the Known World, please don’t hesitate to share them with me. And if you think you’re qualified to serve as one of my ministers or cabinet members, I’m certainly open to considering all qualified applicants.

Okay, that’s it for now!

Looking forward to a better tomorrow,

King John I

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  • snowhite197

    green ketchup? gross, I don't even like regular ketchup!!!

    I'm not so sure I'd vote for you in the real world John, but in the world in your head you definitely have my vote! Of course, you already knew that. 🙂

  • breezy

    "So, for a change, politians will be able to take people for a ride".(literally you mean)

    "Christians are always trying to turn everyone who’s not a Christian into a Christian. If everyone already was a Christian, that problem would be solved." (AMEN to that John)

    "everyone in the world gets paid 200K a year. End of poverty" (some would complain – me? I'm jumping for joy at this one)

    "everyone drive one of those cool little air vehicles from The Jestons. That should work" (I knew someone felt like me about this).

    You do remember that other Guy – JC – who's in line for Supreme Ruler right? You're on my 'vote for Supreme Assistant list" 'k. Happy New Year All

  • windyblue

    Good luck, you do have some good Ideas. How about our welfare system, and health care, people who have no health insurance, and the people who live off the welfare system and can work but refuse.

    There is a lot wrong with this world, but man cannot fix it, we have done nothing but ruin this world since Adam and Eve, Oh, not all people are bad, there are some wonderful people who have really done and do a lot of wonderful things for people.

    This world will ONLY get right When JESUS comes back.

    And until that day, well, read Revelations this world only gets worse.

  • Debra

    What a delightful way to begin the new year — thank you, John. And you have my vote…wait…you didn't say anything about voting. Nor about anybody else having a say in anything. Why…you selfish little beast!

  • Martin Zimmann

    i would peel your grapes.

  • If this is Resolution #1, I wonder how you're going to follow up after that …

  • I'm gonna try to lose a few pounds.

  • Also, I think you should use the title "Most Illustrious Potentate"

  • ran across your post, well written haha

  • Angela

    Hey, John. Some good ideas here. I figure you get to be Most Illustrious Potentate for a while, but you gotta realize that Cat will actually be running the show, right?

  • Oh, you just HAD to go there, didn't you? NO! Cat will NOT be "running the show." I will be running the show! ME! I will be! I'm the smart one! I'm gonna be the one in charge. Not her. ME! She can .. wait back in the .. waiting chambers, or something.

    God. You people.

  • Hjordes

    Can you please outlaw green ketchup? I still run across it occasionally and it is just so… wrong.

  • Billy B

    John, are you planning any new holidays? I”m thinking the first week of every month could be set aside as a time of reflection.

  • Darrell: Thank you. I like your blog, too. I might let you keep it.

    Hjordes: DONE!

    Billy B: A week, huh? That’s a pretty good chunk of time. Do you think people would really reflect for a whole WEEK? Maybe we should start off with people reflecting for, like, fourteen seconds.

    Snow: Please see comment #7

  • Sabina

    John please ban locking shopping carts! I haven't done serious grocery shopping in a couple of weeks because I can't get the shopping carts to move from the parking lot and end up carrying everything I can hold to the check out! Oh I guess you know that you get my vote or nonvote :).

  • Locking shopping carts? How do they LOCK? So, let's see … it's Politics, Religion, War, Healthcare, the Environment, the Economy, and then locking shopping carts. Got it.

  • How about banning hot air hand dryers in public bathrooms? Those things never work. And while you’re at it, could you ban reality television too?

  • Martin: I believe you would, you pervert. But you’re hired.

    Odgie: “Most Illustrious Potentate”!! I LOVE it! Why I didn’t think of it is a mystery. That you DID, however, is going to work for you in the future. Promise.

    Now, about your idea of banning hot air hand dryers. I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree with you on this. For reason entirely too disgusting to go into, I sometimes LIKE having hot, drying air blowing at right about that level. As to your suggestion of banning reality TV shows, I’m going to do better than that. I’m going to have anyone who has ever had ANYTHING to do with the production of those shows become the subject of the LAST ever reality-show, which will be called something like, “Hurl Rotten Fruit At People Who Ever Had Anything To Do With Putting On A TV Reality Show.” Or “Throw Horse Manure At People Who …” Or “Dunk Into Putrid Swamp Water Anyone…” But, like that.

  • I hope you will still have time for blogging… If this is a career change from author/blogger to World Ruler, I am going to have to protest.

    And you cannot simply hire ghost writers either. We will know.

    That said, when things get tough, just send me your password and I'll ghost (Along with one month advance on my $200K salary).

  • “Most Illustrious Potentate” … isn’t that Bubba’s title in the Ray Stevens song “Shriner’s Convention”?

    Do I really want to admit knowing that?

  • No.

  • samwrites2

    Count me in. Helping you realize your resolution is a whole lot easier than trying to live up to mine. I have some small arms training in case there’s any need for it, but currently the most dangerous weapon I own is either my jeep or laptop. They’re both heavy and old, like me. Otherwise, I may be useful writing propaganda or press releases. After all, my full name matches that of the father of propaganda.

    – Sam

  • Angela

    I mean, while you’re standing there in front of the hot air hand dryer in the men’s room, somebody’s gotta be doing the thinking . . .

  • (by the way, Angela, I’ll be needing your home address. E-mail it to me, okay?)

  • Angela

    Oh the address whouldn’t be any problem at all. When you become Potentate, you can get the address book from George and Laura at the White House. Each and every year since I voted for W, they take the time to personally sit down at the kitchen table to write out a Christmas card for me!

  • Oh, you’re friends with George Bush?

    Um. I’ll see what I can do about arranging you and he to spend some time together.

  • Laz

    Hilarious post, where do I sign up?

  • Elizabeth

    Ok, JS…. I always said you were a lot like Stewie Griffin on Family Guy! 🙂

    So… When you become the Most Illustrious Potentate, will you also ban Brady Bunch reruns and any of those awful movies from then?

  • Elizabeth: Absolutely not. If there's one thing I think all of us have learned by now, it's that there's NOTHING like television to keep people from really caring all THAT much what their leader is doing.

    Bring on Brady Bunch Movie 3: The Return of Alice's Boyfriend, I say.

  • tam

    I have a couple of requests for the new Supreme Ruler, Head Huncho, and Grand Pumba.

    I like junk food, junk food is important… please protect junk food and allow everyone access to it!

    Also, I have tried many health drinks… and most are vastly improved by adding alcohol. Will you please make that a requirement for all health drinks (that they contain alcohol)?

  • Hello? Is the request line to the future Supereme Ruler of the World ? Cool. I will refrain from making my (very worthy and clever) requests just yet – until you are in office, so to speak.

    Not that I doubt your plan will work or anything…. honest…. it's just that… well… I… I…. okay, I am skeptical. But, if you prove me wrong and take over the world tomorrow, I will gladly give up my right to vote, convert to Christianity, remain fat and out of the military, accept a mere 200K/year, and force myself to be seen in one of those Jetson cars. Ooooo! Oooo! can I also get one of those cool robot Rosie maids?!? Crap. Now you know what I was gonna ask for after all… *sigh*

  • Tam: I TOTALLY want you as my Minister of Health. Up for it?

    Samantha: Do you think I WON'T remember that you've declared, above all, your skeptisim about the inevitablilty of my rule? What a sad thing for you to say. Tragic, really.

  • I know… I know… Story of my life. Sorry.

    I'll apologize more sincerely when I see you get your crown… or corner office… or whatever it is that Supreme rulers get that shows the world they've conquered they are now the boss.

    Hey? What perks are in this for you anyway? Besides getting to make up the rules for a bunch of whiney and demanding common-folk? 😉

  • Of course you know that an apology proffered from fear or hope of gain is no apology at all. I’m afraid your continued skeptism about the inevitability of my rule has left me little choice relative to the question of your fate.

    This is not about making up rules. It’s not even about the accrual of personal power. It’s about finally having in place an order of rule that is good, right, and for all. I’m tired of waiting for anyone else to do it.

    Plato asserted that the ideal society would be ruled by a benevolent dictator, an “enlightened despot.” I believe him.

  • sharon jacobs.

    Nearly died laughing reading your blog. Thank God I’m not fully incontinent. Your wife must be ready to kill you every day, or have you made a few followers of Depend?

  • tam

    Sure – I can handle the job of minister of health… with your plan, the pay will be good!

    I also will be allowed to taste all sort of junk food and alcohol inhanced health drinks on the job, correct?

  • I was wondering what ever happened with this. I'm glad to see it's back on the agenda.

  • Aliza Worthington

    Can I be the royal choreographer?

  • Barbara Heller

    I’d like to apply for a job. Is Minister of Thinking available? If not, I’ll settle for Secretary of Propaganda.