My New Year’s resolution this year is to take over the world. Whoo-hoo! I can hardly wait! By this time next year, I should be fully installed as Supreme Ruler of the World. (I’m also leaning toward the title of “The People’s King,” but we’ll see.) I’ve been meaning to take over the world for quite some time now, but with shopping and chores and all I’ve struggled to find the time. This year I’ll find the time. This year it gets done.
This year things get taken care of the way they should be.
I’m tired of TV commercials, for instance. So they’ll be gone. And also junk mail. Gone.
Pretty much all advertising, basically. I’ve had it with trying to be sold stuff. I’m surprised advertisers haven’t figured out a way to put ads on the insides of people’s eyelids. Well, soak up all the ads you can for the next seven or eight months. Because once I’m in, they’re out.
I have a plan for taking over the world, of course: I’m ambitious, not stupid. I know no one’s going to just hand the world to me. I understand these things must be done in methodical, ever-widening increments.
I’d share with you my plan for taking over the world, but it’s so good that once you saw it you’d try to use it to take over the world, and then I’d have to kill you. So you’ll just have to wait and watch how I do it.
I can, however, share a few things with you about my upcoming rule, so that, come the time, you might be less inclined to resist it.
The way I see it, the big problems facing mankind today fall within the realms of Politics, Religion, War, Poverty, and the Environment. Here’s a taste of how I’d address each of these major concerns:
Politics. From the minute my rule is instated, all politicians will be forced to get real jobs. Because I’ll be putting an end to all advertising, public relations, and marketing jobs, politicians will be qualified to do exactly. Luckily for them, though, part of my plan for the environment involves the harnessing of hot air. So I feel there’s a synergy there just waiting to work.
Religion. Everyone will have to be a Christian. I respect all religions, but ensuring world harmony means having only one. Since Christianity is my religion, it’ll soon be everyone’s. Why not? It’s got mysticism for the New Agers, One Supreme God for the Muslims and Jews, a sound and aesthetic philosophy for the Buddhists, a rational underpinning for the atheists. It’s perfect. Besides, what people hate most about Christianity is the way that Christians are always trying to turn everyone who’s not a Christian into a Christian. If everyone already was a Christian, that problem would be solved.Can you believe what an awesome king I’m gonna make? Me neither!
War. Have you ever noticed that in wars you never see any soldiers fighting who are rich and fat? My plan to eliminate all war is to give everyone in the world so much money and food that no one will ever be angry enough about anything to put down their food, get out of their chair, turn off their TV, get dressed, and go fight. Poor and hungry people fight wars. Rich and stuffed people yell at each other, but they’re not about to do mud and foxholes. Plus, it’s extremely difficult to get rich people to follow orders. War problem solved!
Poverty. Within hours of my being named king, everyone in the world will be making exactly $200,000 year. Farmers, captains of industry, petty officers of industry, nurses, engineers, cops, teachers, Taiwanese mechanics, Finnish plumbers, Chinese car salesmen, German crosswalk guards: everyone in the world gets paid 200K a year. No more, no less. End of poverty.
Environment. Instead of cars, everyone will drive one of those cool little air vehicles from the old cartoon show The Jestons:
I know. I’m amazing. Life’s gonna be so great under me.
As I’m sure is plain to you by now, my being Supreme Ruler of the Universe is going to be the greatest things that’s ever happened to mankind.
Please be sure to keep an eye out for an upcoming mailer or email from me about the beginning of my rule. When given the option (and while you still have the option) be sure to check the “Yes” box.
If you have any suggestions for policies or rules that I might adopt as King of the Known World, please don’t hesitate to share them with me. And if you think you’re qualified to serve as one of my ministers or cabinet members, I’m certainly open to considering all qualified applicants.
Okay, that’s it for now!
Looking forward to a better tomorrow,
King John I